trainspotting

Frontline Al-Qaeda suspects
looking at the 15:05 from Euston

Trainspotters are now considered the top terrorist threat - what with their writing down of numbers of trains and making notes of how many wheels the engine has - and taking photographs of stations - and keeping the anorak business in - er - business - and supporting railway buffets.

Johnny Jobsworth (Rail Division) has banned train spotters from some stations and is demanding that all train spotters are registered before they flash their - notebooks. As telling the times of trains could be useful to a terrorist organisation. However we British have already beaten this threat as no one can predict when a particular train is going to arrive or leave.

Following the logic that train spotters are subversives - it suggests anyone sitting in a station buffet - looking out of the window - and - er drinking more than one cup of coffee - could be considered suspicious - I mean - have you ever tasted the coffee from one of these places.

So bin Laden - we know your plot - the total destruction of the British railway system - so were you behind the placing of the wrong kind of leaves on the line? We need to know.

Or could it be that all the companies running the railways are in fact Al Qaeda fronts? - sapping the British morale - again we should be told.

dead bad taste

The above advertisement was banned for being in bad taste. Apparently we can't had tasteful corpses advertising Channel Four's new series '6 Foot Under' - however - we can see lots of really tasteless stuff in the tabloids day after day after day - in fact - there is quite a lot of sleaze on Channel Four - which is far, far worse - but only very late at night - so no wonder I'm always feeling tired.

erm weapons of erm

Hi George, Hi Tony

Hey Donald get me a coffee - white - no sugar - there's a good boy.

Well erm - we've looked into the matter and - erm - the actual translation was 'Weapons of Moss Destruction' - erm - and they are selling packets of the stuff at the 'Abdul Al -Tichmarsh - Mother of All Gardening Center' - 20 miles south of Baghdad on the main Basra road.

Apparently Saddam liked his lawns.

Our intelligence services have also suggested that in future if you want to identify dangerous weapons - that you ought to sell the chemicals and the germ containers with larger 'Made in the US' and 'Made in the UK' stickers on.

Thank you Donald - oh look - you've spilt some of the coffee in the saucer - get a napkin please -you'll have to try harder - if you want to hold on to your new job.

the show must go on

bloody reality shows

don't try this at home

grub's up

You can't make a feel good movie and more 'feel gooder' than Mostly Martha. Obsessive gourmet chef, Martha. has her world turned upside down when she has to take care of newly orphaned niece Lina. This pressure in turn means that she has to let a handsome Italian chef disrupt first her extremely well run kitchen and then her life.

Lina makes her life hell - by refusing to eat - and causing trouble at school - and Italian chefs are well - Italian - which means cheerful - noisy - happy - which clearly has an effect on the kitchen staff - which are mostly female - and of course a little less organised. Soon Martha is having child problems and feeling very threatened at work.

What makes this film extremely good is the charm of the direction, brilliant casting, the attention to detail and some of the side issues. I particularly liked Martha's sessions with a psychotherapist - ordered by her boss - where she has difficulty talking about anything but food - and - clearly driving him to distraction.

Go and see.

* * * *

and my latest hobby is

growing a beard.

Well if Sean Connery can grow one - why can't I?

What do you mean - some things work for Sean Connery - won't work for me?

So you're suggesting that I'm growing a beard to compensate for growing thin on top?

Of course I am - what else?

After all I was 21 when Woodstock happened

erm - no - I wasn't there - but hair is important to my generation.

etc - etc - etc

It was a nice pleasant morning. I phoned my mother to see how she was getting on.

Stupidly I mentioned my daughter who was at uni - was giving up her flat and coming home .

She got thrown out as she was too untidy - you didn't teach her to clear up - she should have had more discipline when she was young - etc - etc - etc.

Won't she have to travel into the centre of London? Well she'll get blown blown up - you've seen what they've done with the concrete blocks outside parliament - and can't you see that Tony Blair is frightened - you see the way he jumps into his car outside Downing Street - he's scared etc - etc - etc.

What do you mean she's only got one exam and then's she finished until next October - she's bunking off - don't they expect students to study any more - they should be doing more work - university makes students soft - what work will she do when she's finished? etc -etc -etc.

She drinks too much - I've seen it on television - girls are worse than boys - girls wouldn't behave like that when i was a girl - she'll get into trouble - she'll get pregnant - etc - etc -etc.

Then she wishes me well.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sun goes out and it starts to rain.

feeeling a little prick

So there I was - naked to the waist - top down you'll be glad to hear - with - both my trouser legs rolled up above the knees - holding a bell. So now I know what its like to be a freemason.

On my shoulder were 3 pins - on my wrist one - and on my legs around six. Told to clear my mind of everything - to get cool karma - I thought about "               ".
Not too difficult.

Then panic - I could see legs under the curtain - legs I didn't recognise - the curtain parted and in came a therapist. She stole my tray of needles. Then this started me thinking - karma - was slipping.

Erm - how can you play darts with an acupuncturist. I mean they stick needles in my leg to cure my shoulder.

So - you've just scored two on the board.

No - the two is really triple twenty.

You cannot win against them.

Also in America where you punch holes in cards to remove chards. Well does an acupuncturist mean - who are they targeting - do they mean the person they punched holes for - or - are they curing the political system - something that really needs doing - by putting their vote in one place - but meaning someone else. An ancient Chinese bloke living near the top of a mountain would know.

does crime pay?

'Welcome to Collinwood" is like a Ealing Comedy directed by the Coen brothers. It is a gentle caper film set - very much on the wrong side of the tracks - in the fifties - in the district of Collinwood - which could be called - 'The Beirut of Cleveland'.

The first part of the film shows the setting up of a perfect robbery - in local parlance a 'Bellini' - the robbery of a pawnbroker's safe through a wall - that a builder had fixed - so that anyone could break through it easily. The nice thing about the robbery was that it was from an empty apartment.

But it quickly goes all wrong - as the search for a "Mullinski" - a person willing to serve time in prision for money - in order to get the man who knows the details of the 'Bellini' out. Soon a whole rag bag of likable 'riff raff' get in on the act. This early part of the film is quite quirky with quite a few twists and development of character - such as the guy reduced to painting women on beer glasses to support his baby - as the mother is in jail - for not paying a $1,000 fine.

I feel the cameo - by George Clooney - of the crippled safe breaker - was not necessary - but probably had to be in to help market the film. The scenes around him slowed the development of the film a little.

The robbery was pure farce - one of the funniest sequences I have seen - and it got roars of laughter from the audience. It will spoil the film to tell you what happens - but one scene has someone high as a kite on drugs crossing a very high pipe section to break into a roof on the next building and of course - another of the thieves - is petrified of heights.

The film has a strong 'feel good' ending. Do they succeed? - well spend your money and find out - don't get anyone to tell you the plot - it will spoil it for you - its an excellent film.

* * * *

extreme acupunture

The sport of extreme acupuncture had a massive following at the start of the very first century. The government warns that this is not a hobby that should be taken up lightly as it can lead to death, resurrection and you know what sort of trouble that can start.

Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

A five minute upgrade has wrecked the layout of the site. Style Sheets don't seem to be working. A crack team of highly qualified personnel are urgently working on the solution. Pity their 'highly qualified' status is in sociology and classical history rather than anything technical - and 'urgently working' - well at present we are using all our management skills to - erm - get them out of the pub.

program planning session

passive smelling

My mother smokes a lot - even though she says - I don't really smoke much - only when I have visitors.

Anyway I'm home - my clothes and bag smell of smoke - yeuch.

so much better in spanish

Someone has translated one of many rants about the sacking of Angus Deayton from 'Have I Got News For You' - really sounds cool and sophisticated.

...... la persona que sacked Angus......

Deayton/Deaton era Jane Lush

... hay un problema de la bebida que debemos saber sobre...






Más sobre Angus debajo y en de archivos.

Las demandas del archivo de Odtaa: Restore Angus Deayton


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nota a los abogados de BBC: Ésta se significa para ser una broma. No hay intención de sugerir que Jane Lush bebe. Es un juego en palabras

we still have information

We love the Iraqi Information Minister web site

erm yes mum

Visited my mother. Helped her sort out her tax. She's got quite a bit of money invested on the government spot market. I try and point out that she put the money on deposit she would get a better interest rate.

I don't want to do that.

Why not?

I would pay more tax.

Erm - yes - but you would get more money as well.

No - I don't want to do that.

Arghhhhhhhhhhh

we're searching for

the man known as Agent Saddam - this man was on the CIA payroll - and wouldn't be embarassing - if he still was. Agent Saddam was paid to assassinate the Iraqi head of state - but failed. Nice work if you can get it.

Possibly this is the reason that the coalition forces of the first Gulf War were not allowed - against Papa Bush's instructions - in taking Baghdad and capturing Saddam and why so many Iraqis were allowed to die in the uprising immediately after that war when again - Papa Bush - promised support - but was over ridden by people unknown in Washington.

It would be embarassing - wouldn't it - if Agent Saddam was still receiving his pay cheque.

And who funded Mr bin Laden - why the west - to build up militia against the Russians in Afghanistan. Possibly not such as a good idea or investment. Full report in Soapbox in about a week's time.

Had a quiet weekend

I saw a friend Terry - who has just finished writing a dissertation for his degree course. We had a nice meal and started plotting our way of making a fortune using business consultancy and the internet. I am sorry Bill - you may feel comfortable out there in Seattle - but your has come and gone. We plan to corner at least .00000001% of your market.

cold shouldered

OK this should be a moan on the Soap Box - but why not moan here - I've seen a physiotherapist - only 3 months after I reported problems using my arm - OK beer is heavy - and - after being told I had arthritis - I am now told it is frozen shoulder - which is like a shoulder freezes up for about 18 months or two years - which - is a lot worse than rapidly developing arthritis - which is what I was told I had. So its only around 15 months of pain - rather than permanence - hooray.

Next week I am going to get acupuntured - which means I need to be careful when swimming - as it will let in the water and I'll sink.

what am I doing here?

I had suspicions 'Heart of Me' would be a woman's film before I went - the word heart in the title - two sisters - one man film blurb - Helen Bonham-Carter - still - I went. Before it started I went to the Gents - in the UK we men are still gentlemen when it comes to going for a pee - and when I came out - well - I saw that I was the only man in the audience - in fact others came in - later - but discreetly - when the lights went out.

The film was quite good - well OK - in a sort of a - married man has affair with wife's sister - sort of way. Helen Bonham-Carter is beautiful and has those eyes - those dark eyes - I understand the husband breaking the moral code of those days - of only having sex with the servants. She has a baby - which dies - in picturesque rural seaside location.

Relationship gets shaky - on screen that is - I managed to restrain myself - and husband - Rickey - and I'm sorry - I admit being a philistine - cept - probably they won't accept me the club - I kept thinking of Ricky - from East Ender's - Britain's favourite soap.

Anyway he leaves wife - lives in poverty - but goes back to wife after a heart attack - because mother lied - that Helen Bonham-Carter - well her character - to be know henceforth as the HBCC - the Helen Bonham-Carter character - had gone to France - so he stays with his wife - except he meets HBCC - and she hadn't - and he got very miffed - and rapes his wife.

Later he dies in an air raid trying to get a bracelet for the HBCC - which is inscribed with something about eternity - I am sorry I am a man - and I am sure every woman in the audience could quote it. Wife thought it was for her. Well HBCC and sister make up - as they watch wife's daughter fly a kite - and Kleenex do a roaring trade - then the Richmond Film House lights go on - and everyone looks embarrassed. Why do they put the lights on so quickly - they should let the poor women have a quiet sob - before politely hinting that we should leave.

Good film for women. Good between the war settings, lovely women, lovely frocks and for the man in your life - lovely old cars.

I never opted in for this

Inscription
A Mother holds her children's hands
for just a little while,
But she holds their hearts
Forever.

Apparently if I order now - I can get this by Mother's Day. If I sent it to her - you would be suspicious - and - convinced I've done something bad - which is not that difficult - as she always imagines I've doing something bad - or wrong - or I'm going to mess up something - or - well - she's going to have to settle for flowers - and that's that.

tragic?

President Bush is visiting a class at a primary school. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying Mr & Mrs Bush were struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

We at the Odtaa Files have to confess that this is fictious - as President Bush would not have the language skills to work out such complex concepts - on his own

fit to drop - if only I had the energy

I've started going back to the gym - well when I say go back - I mean - I was there in January - once - and I did do the - this is how to torture yourself on our machines - initiation course - but that was back - erm - oh - erm - that many years ago.

So I've started going to the gym - and it is full of machines - that hurt you - and its boring - and - as this gym is cheap - all the beautiful people - go to the other gyms - there again - would the beautiful people want to watch me grunt and groan - and anyway - I don't look good in Lyra - and my shape don't look good - in any designer gear - so - I'll stick to the stuff - I bought years ago - which were a disappointment - as buying them - did not make me fitter.

Anyway I survived - and then wanted to go to the pool - but in the changing room - there was suddenly hordes - of school children - SHOUTING - and - SCREAMING - and - BANGING THE METAL DOORS. Panicking I thought my way through and locked myself into a changing cubicle.

In the pool - it was full of fit - old people - in a quarter of the pool - and SCREAMING - kids in the rest. I swam my slow length - being thumped by superpensioner and accidently bumped into by a woman swimming backwards - I am not that kind of guy - madam - restrain yourself.

I'll be back - as Arnie says.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road. This is a
complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR I agree with George.

HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n