heroes and villains

.

This afternoon play was a cross between the lighter parts of 'Trainspotting' crossed with Del Boy - with a touch of 'The Plank' - with the damaged shopping bag - and about 2 minutes of 'The Office' meet 'The Sweeney' + a happy ending - for the two nice characters.

Based on what looks like the same estate as 'Only Fools and Horses' - the play instantly threw you into a case of a 'dodgy' character, Jonny Potter, being chased by two heavies onto the estate. Quickly you are introduced to a diverse group of characters from immoral club singer/ supermarket cashier Yvonne and sometime wife of nice postman Derek to her respectable sister Helen.

Oh and Jonny has quite a few problems - the two boxes of designer leather jackets he - er - liberated - erm - belong to 'Big Ed' - the local 'Mr Very Big' - and Jonny is having hassle getting Mickey - a friend - well acquaintance - well someone he does the occasionally deal with - to agree to store the jackets in his lockup - and - yes - he's due to get married - to his heavily pregnant girlfriend at midday.

Oh yes - the lift - in the block - the could be Nelson Mandela House - was of course broken - and there was Fat Fred's coffin - stuck on the stairs - and the wedding party having to slide over it - and the fact that dodgy Mickey was selling off dodgy Jonny's leather jackets until - well we find out that the jackets - have what was called a 'Class A' - that's cocaine to you Yanks - lining - which made both the police and 'Big Ed' extremely keen to get hold of jackets - which were now in general circulation - including Fat Fred - well - Winny his wife wanted to send him off in style.

So Jonny got wed - and then there was the escape from the night club - the car chase - and the fight - and everyone sort of got their just desserts - which included black eyes - and numerous confused arrests.

It is a pity we haven't got a film distribution like France - an extended version of this play would have made a great film - and would have appealed to an international market - combining crime and working class humour - casting was brilliant - direction was clever - including the small detail - sound track excellent and the script clever.

OK some critics complain that these plays are lightweight - but - these were made for afternoon viewing - and I would suggest that they make good early evening viewing as well. This play was meant to entertain - and entertained I was.

As seen on BBC afternoon television

bomb Iraq

When you're happy and you know it, bomb Iraq
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq
If the terrorists are frisky
Pakistan looks shifty
North Korea is far too risky
Bomb Iraq

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq
For our might knows no borders, bomb Iraq
Disagee, We'll call it treason
Let's make war not love this season
Even if we have no reason
Bomb Iraq





Quoted by Pandora, the Independent. 28th January 2003

in the inbox

that's the last time we do it at your place

She was only an undertaker's daughter,
but she'd always bury a stiff.

She was only the captain's daughter,
but her naval base was full of seamen.

She was only a road layer's daughter,
but she liked her asphalt.

She was only a farmer's daughter,
but she'd lie under any old sod.

She was only a fishmonger's daughter,
but she'd jump on the slab and say "fillet."

She was only an oars-man's daughter,
but she liked a fine pair of row-locks.

She was only the telegraphers daughter,
but she didit didit didit didit...

She was only the batsman's daughter,
but she could take a full toss in her crease.

She was only the cricket umpire's daughter,
but her crease was fit for Lords.

from the inbox

literary research

In a lecture I attended on 'ethical issues' in social research - our lecturer - told us about a young student - keen on dh lawrence - decided to write a dissertation on 'the influence of literature on the sexuality on women in mining villages' - or some such significant project.

His methodology consisted of - er - yes - going door to door - without any notice - or informing his tutor - in a Nottinghamshire mining village - asking miner's wives about their reading habits and sexual experience. At the fifth house he was met by a miner - who was working nights - and being a little- a lot - innocent - he told the miner exactly what he was doing.

One of the conclusions of my research paper - Hazardous Social Research Techniques - is that there is a 99% chance that a male researcher going door to door - researching the sexual experiences of women - in a working class area - will be in a good position - to research the facilities offered in a National Health Service A & E unit - or he could get lucky - but - not being able to keep his mouth shut - or the smirk off his face - he will - with a certainty of 85% - be able to research intensive care facilities - not being awake during the A&E part.

Research in the suburbs is significantly less hazardous - but can be extremely exhausting - due to the long driveways - I'm told.

men and sheds

I got the most significant male-ist men- ist masclinist - well - male orientated book - since - well -ever.

Men and sheds - quite simply is a book about men and their sheds. It shows how a variety of men use their shed to build things - develop their own things - but more importantly - it gives them space - to be themselves.

None of this crap about a group of men hugging - building, assembling, engineering an American quilt - co-operating - working together in harmony - no - this book sends out a very clear message - a man needs to be alone sometime - and - he needs to own space.

Sure he may invite you in - sure he may show you his prize collection - of rusty toys - mishappen bottles - obscene vegetables - but understand - you are entering his personal kingdom - leave well own - do not clean it - do not tidy it - or - when there is an extension - you may be helping - by being part of the foundations - and no all male jury would convict.

surreal prison sentence

The ten minute quick fix and slight update - has taken over three hours. I didn't realise that the Blogger.com system wasn't working properly - and so the reason my updates weren't working - was nothing to do with me. So unfortunately I have rewritten bits of my system - redone the template a few times - tried to post to other sites - etc etc - arghhhh!!!!

The Odtaa Files will be split into two different sites over the next week. The Odtaa Files will be setting up another site - the Issue Zone to allow more serious campaigning - on issues like iraq and the UK firemen's pay dispute.

So please bear with me - or bare with me - (not a pretty site and far too cold) - for about a week or so - before normal service is resumed.

Nothing works yet

This will be the new improved 'the Odtaa Files' with the mystery ingredient X - which will give you you everything the spam mailers promise you - a better sex life - health - wealth - educational diplomas galore - and without once HAVING TO TYPE IN CAPITALS - or join a pyramid selling scam - (I got caught on one these once and now own substantial chunks of Egypt - but the government won't let me sell them on - or move them - watch out for the small print - particularly the hieroglyphics)

Unfortunately due to laziness - pressure from other people - if you don't wash I'm leaving you - and other demands on my time - well will the couple on the Trisha show resolve their differences if I don't watch - quite a lot of this site doesn't quite work as yet.

I'm off to lunch in an exclusive restaurant with my society friends.

... the ministry of defence's secret ...

beep beep
I have finally worked out why we British do not seem to be able to buy things that work for our military. You know Apache helicopters which fire missiles that blow the tail off - its a good job we forgot we needed pilots to fly the things - our existing transport helicopters and tanks - work fine - except in desert - we have guns - that won't go bang when you pull the trigger -and even our boots - melt or fall apart in the desert heat.

The answer is quite obvious really. The Americans have identified Roadrunner as an 'Al Qaeda' operative. He was obviously being investigated by American secret service operative known as 'Mr Coyote'. Due to his lack of success at capturing Roadrunner - 'Mr Coyote' was redeployed as a liaison officer to British forces.

It was his suggestion that the British use the services of the general trading company, ACME. They in turn provided much of the British army's equipment as their prices were cheap - and their delivery service excellent - unfortunately they do not seem to have adequate quality control - to provide reliable military technology.

... help its snowing ...

The temperature is 0 Centigrade - and in London it has snowed. Help - I'm trapped in a building and unable to get out - as the trains don't work - the buses don't come - and the 12 year old rough boys might throw snow balls at me.

And today we have sun and snow - and melting - and slush - and I still haven't got new shoes - and the water comes in - and my new socks get wet. I am happy something to complain about.

... medical dilema ...

A real problem - one of the doctors at my local surgery - is basically incompetent - and lazy. For example he told me I had RSI - and then told me he didn't have time to talk to me - so I didn't get any tests.

I also have a stomach problem - which he diagnosed as IBS - without any tests. When I went back later with a lot of pain - he told me not to complain - and then gave me a horror story of investigative surgery. About a year later I ended up the local hospital's emergency centre creased with pain. It quickly became clear I had an infected gall bladder. The surgeon who operated said it was quite serious and that if they hadn't operated when they did - it the infection could have spread to my liver.

Anyway - I was talking to the owner of a local cafe - and one of his friends - had just died - from cancer - he had the same doctor - and had been told to take over the counter pain killers and anti-inflammatory drugs - he wasn't sent for any tests - although he went to see the doctor quite a few times.

I don't know what to do - if I make a formal complaint - as I have no formal evidence - it will just give me hassle - and I won't be believed. On the other hand I just can't leave it alone.

... adjectively speaking ...

"Here's the gift" he said presently.
"Night time" she said darkly.
"I'm having a shower." he said wetly.
"My foot is on fire." she said warmly.
"A one minute orgasm" he said hurriedly.
"I've accidently shot your mother, your father, your brother, your sister and the dog." she said innocently.
"My name is Hamlet." he said dramatically.
"Miaow" she said cattily.
"Woof - woof" he said doggedly.
"I have a double whiskey." she said spiritedly.
"There was a young lady from Kent" he said poetically.

... search stringys II ...

munroes email does case carlsberg
dancing chickengif story
what crazy trial bart
picture support stand war
hit george fighting depression
dead cure
bush writing without wills
tarsus station spyder
sort scotland quotes
lazy ignores husband
get chair cat
tatooists simulator research
phone islamic heard
saturday partying

... war is now inevitable ...

When a hard man - the bully- the thug - beats up someone in a bar - he always has a justification. He is usually 'reluctant' to start the fight - but he must be shown 'respect'. So its usually the 'accidental' spill of a drink - the reasonable demand for respect such as 'who are you looking at?' - before the fist - broken glass or boot hits the innocent victim

What we are seeing in the Iraq situation is a similar build up to the attack.

The war is less likely - says Jack Straw - UK Foreign Minister. But this is all part of a set piece. Saddam is being set up - continually provoked - and when the American and British troops are in position - and ready - then the buttons will be pushed - and the public will be given the impression - that reluctantly - we have to fight.

The Odtaa Files predict the following will happen:

In the near future technical breeches of the UN mandate will be found by the weapons inspectors - or American intelligence - using data gleaned from the inspectors - eg where are you storing the weapons we gave you? - you remember - when you were the good guy - fighting Iran - we want to see them now!!!!

This will enable George Bush to issue stern warnings - that will be followed up by a huge media campaign - in which other accusations - most will already be known - such as the use of gas warfare - when Saddam was still a friend - will be paraded - and repeated - and repeated.

Sometime in the two weeks beginning the 27th January there will be an incident - that will finally provoke the war in Iraq. The most probable cause will be an attack on a British plane flying over the 'No - Fly Zone'. The attack will be reported by American and British military and there will be no independent verification.

Why a British plane? - to give the incident more credibility - and to avoid the accusation that America provoked the incident.

Then the bombing starts. The troops invade - and the killings - and injuries - start - in a war that is likely to be far worse than the Gulf War - as the Iraqis - are defending their country - and they will fight in the towns and cities - and we will either bomb those towns and cities - and be blamed for killing - and injuring - thousands - tens of thousands - of innocent Iraqi civilians or ...

... we will send in troops - to fight - in the towns and the cities - and they will kill and injure - thousands - of innocent Iraqi civilians - and yet we will also lose - hundreds - and maybe thousands of our troops - before the war is over.

And few of those that fight - few of those that survive - few of those injured - on either side - will benefit from the profits of the oil companies that will take over the Iraqi oil fields.

And the world will be a more dangerous place - as the war will recruit - thousands to the bin Laden cause - will attract millions of dollars - to the Al Qaeda coffers - and the terrorist bombings will continue -and no one will be safe - anywhere.

Britain in particular will be unsafe as to hit the UK - you hit at America - but without the risk of retaliation - as - when it comes to the crunch - America will not launch a second Afghanistan type attack - or risk many American lives - to avenge an attack on Britain - and we have not got the resources - to mount our own attack.

... phallically speaking ...

According to psychologists - and they should know - being they're obsessed with sex - and all - that the tie is a phallic symbol - OK - lets face it - all it is - is an arrow pointing down to - er - you know where.

Well on BBC radio this morning a fashion designer said - Look at politicians - when they're being interviewed by women journalists - before very long - they are fiddling with their tie knots - or - mentally playing with themselves - which goes to show that most politicians are a load of...


... hard working individuals - seeking only public service - and trying improve the world.

(British libel laws really encourage free speech)

... search stringys ...

A potential new internet game - search stringys - if you use a package like extreme tracking to monitor your site - it has a facility to tell you the frequency of words used to find your site.

Look for phrases among adjacent words. So here are a few:

naked angus the burrel dress off johnson girls christmas toilet burrell got orgasm jokes butler remove simpson homer   diana scandal bill bbc sex men lesbian vargina charles like ladies talking pricess penis intelligence jester inhabited horse funny flashes gay diamond

public girlfreind removes peeing deaton pregnant homepage beer when twin skirt racers that queen postman nudist nickname girlfriend from cocaine joker bottler depressed depressed daughter believe sexuality secrets marinate cold alex banana wearing government drink cock all lancashire hot police makeup

... we kick ass ...

According to a posting on wildcatmania - the Odtaa Files is a 'kick ass' site - this is our proudest moment to date - thank you - thank you - he says - hand touching forehead - and swoons.


That's the last time he'll
kick ass in a hurry

... a poem ...

The was a young netter called Seb

Who put his home page on the web

He said "What a drag

I've missed out a tag

The nerds will all think I am a pleb"


by Louis Boyce

... a very christian thing to do ...

Today is the twelfth day of Christmas. It is the custom - certainly in Britain - and I assume many other countries to hang up holly in the house. The origins of this custom date from pre-Christian times - when holly - and the leaving out of food - and the having a feast - and drink - and more drink - and yet more drink - was as hospitality to the local tree spirits and gods - and to keep them warm - over the coldest part of the year.

The Christians took over this custom - including providing the feast - and protecting the spirits and gods from the bad weather. This is a brilliant example of true Christian Spirit - looking after a group of small gods - you don't even believe in.

... not so friendly ...

'Friendly Fire' is not a term I like. It is the accidental killing of your own side by 'cock up'. In the coming war with Iraq - and let's not play games - George Bush - wants a war - and by George he'll get his war - and it will be in February 2003. For reasons best know to himself - Tony Blair wants Britain to pay the 'blood price' - ie he wants our troops to be involved - probably the only supporting nation.

However the British army - that is the army of the fourth richest country in the world - I repeat fourth richest - does not have the basic equipment to fight this war. We can't even sort out decent boots for our troops. As part of this regime of neglect there appears to have been no co-coordinated attempt to use technology and develop systems to avoid the unnecessary accidental death of our ground forces.

Lt-Col Andrew Larpent had 9 men killed and 12 wounded in a 'friendly fire' incident on the second day of the Gulf War. His men mistaken for Iraqi units - were in the right place rounding up prisoners - when two of his armoured vehicles were hit by missiles from an American A10 Tankbuster.

Lets not start looking around for who to blame. War is unpredictable - and people have to make split second decisions. In my life as a lecturer - making a mistake about the timetable - or getting someone's name wrong - was easy rectified. I have never had to make a one second decision on pressing a missile button - while facing the possibility of being shot at or targeted by a missile. Robust 16 - 19 year olds can be challenging - but not life threatening.

In Lt-Col Larpent's interview with BBC radio this morning - he stated that the main defence against accidental attack are identification signs stuck of the roofs of military vehicles. He also points out that military aircraft have electronic equipment which identifies friend from foe. However Britain with its inadequate 30 year old communications system has not got any systems for electronically identifying vehicles or fighting units. So it looks like orange stickers and sticky-back tape will be all that protects our troops.

Therefore Tony Blair is right in saying Britain will pay the 'blood price'. It will pay it in unnecessary deaths and injury of our soldiers and marines when he sends our troops into the Iraqi battle zone. The people responsible for the deaths will all be sitting in offices - accumulating points of their very generous pensions - and will never be brought to account.

... well over the top ...

Now shout bang!!!

I personally don't understand why we must fight Iraq. Of all the states in the Middle East - Iraq - is the least likely to support bin Laden's medieval Islamic terrorists. Saddam's approach to dealing with awkward priests is to put them up against a wall and shoot them. If they got hold of weapons of mass destruction they are as likely to use them to kill Saddam - as to attack the UK.

However as Tony Blair seems determined to have British involvement - then I want British troops to have the best equipment - and the best level of support they can get. And yet what seems to have happened is that military procurement - no - not someone who who manages prostitutes wearing uniforms - has fallen apart.

As it is a public sector service - I suspect the Tories - under Margaret Thatcher - started the rot - and brilliant New Labour - drove the steam roller over the service. I am appalled at the constant reports of bad quality equipment and really stupid buying strategies - the worst example being the buying of Apache helicopters - at £48 million each - years before the UK have trained pilots to fly the things.

According to Mr Tooze, a Gulf War veteran, You need to have a weapon that's going to go bang when you pull the trigger .

Even with my limited knowledge of armed warfare I would have thought this obvious. But we are still getting reports that the SA 80 standard issue rifle - has bits that melt in the heat - and it needs a maintenance procedure - the marines - are not supposed to be able to grasp - well mister manufacturer - mister minister - I dare you tell them that - face to face - and then let them show you - the new plastic thingy insertion procedure - the demonstration of which - should leave you standing - erm - a very long time.

Operational troops in Afghanistan are reported using captured Russian guns or borrowing weapons from the American troops - it really gives us a sense of national pride. Why is it that any hoodlum - or drug dealer - can buy a working gun - that does not require super maintenance - and yet the civil service can't?

The same report highlights the problem that the new British Challenger tank ground to a halt in exercises held in Oman - August - last year - because - whoever buys tanks - did not order any desert filters. So the tanks which worked well in the original Gulf War will grind to a halt in a very short time.

In the first Gulf War - boots did not melt - or fall apart - so the army - which now only has stocks of the new - improved - army boots in sizes 1 and size 7 - will be fighting in trainers, sandals and bare feet. Oh Doc Marten - where art thou's boots.

The Lynx helicopter - now gets clogged up with dust - in the desert - after an average of 27 hours operation. In a short time - in the Oman exercises - they were were completely out of service. So our troops will have to walk - or take taxis.

The British Apache helicopters - exactly right - for supporting infantry in the desert - lack trained pilots - thank God - as our present version - destroys its own tail rotor - when firing missiles - which while being very sporting - is probably not the most effective method of attack - unless you want to kill the enemy - by making them laugh too much.

Communications will be bad - the 30 year old system is creaking - and the British troops will not be able to resort to their Balkan strategy - of using mobile phones. Erm excuse me Saddam - can we put a communication mast on top of all your palaces? - erm - probably not. According to the National Audit Office even the fork lift trucks don't work in the heat. And I have the feeling - that unless Easyjet or Ryan Air - do a London Luton or Stanstead to Baghdad - our troops will never get to the combat zone.

So Mr Bush - if you want UK support - can you send us boots, rifles, tanks, trained pilots - and - could you do us a favour - can you send your special forces to take out our entire military purchase department. All you need is missiles which target strong tea, digestive biscuits and red tape.

... a mature start to 2003

... the Odtaa Files will be more mature in the year 2003. We plan to bring you serious thought - life improving suggestions - helping you to focus on your long term goals - encouraging self development and ...

So where's the new Odtaa site then???

Well - erm

Well where the hell is it

Erm

You were down the fucking pub - again - weren't you

Erm

Weren't you

Shhhh - don't talk so loud

WEREN'T YOU

Er yes

And you were lying in bed

Er..

And watching those bloody videos

Er - yes

Well shut up about being bloody mature then

Er - sorry.

Odtaa leaves and seeks relief.


- in a cup of properly made tea - from a warmed teapot - of course - with muffins - and...

... and you thought what? You should be ashamed.