... winter holidays ...

The Odtaa Files are off on holiday - staying in a computer free zone - will we survive? - we don't know - these threats of socialising - healthy walks - having conversations - are rather scary.

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year

See new improved Odtaa Files site in the New Year - with magic ingredient Z - which will greatly enhance your life - making you rich - making you successful - making you attractive to whoever - or whatever - you are attracted to - giving you improved health - helping you slim without exercise - yet still eating chocolate.

Seriously have a good holiday

... am I English ...

I was criticised after the talk for calling myself English - rather than British. I have thought about this a lot. If I was born in Scotland - I would have no problem calling myself Scottish - in Wales - Welsh - so why should I - who was born in England - not call myself English. I accept the fact that often people use the word England - when they should mean Britain and an easy way of getting yourself thumped is to go to ask is that Glasgow, England - actually untrue - the average Glaswegian is extremely friendly - even to the English.

I know a lot of people - didn't call themselves English as the word - and the flag - got taken over by the extremists - and to call yourself English was almost a suggestion that you were a thug - or caused trouble at football matches. Interesting the term 'ooligan' - in Japanese - has changed in meaning from hooligan - who was going to smash the place up - to hooligan - meaning English - within the context of being lively - possibly - with a red, white and blue painted face - possibly a little bit drunk - but in a pleasant way - due to the good behaviour - good nature - of the English football fans in the world cup.

Over the last year the St George's cross and the word English has been recovered and is inclusive - and I actually feel proud to be English - proud of England - and I feel that we may be able to recover some of our lost sense of identity. I know there is still a lot of racism - and anti-foreigner feeling - but it is lessening.

... bananas to EU ...

I belong to a group where I can practice public speaking. I decided to talk about Europe - and I tried to explain that I felt that being part of the EU was having an enhanced nationalist - ie I'm English first - but with the addition of being European. This is different to say most Americans - who are generally American - but a few from places such as Texas or New Yorker - may think of themselves as Texans or New Yorkers first - American second.

I illustrated my talk with a banana - scenes of the non-existent battle between Britain and Germany over the shape of banana - as letters in the Mail stated - we didn't fight a war so that the Germans can tell us what shape our bananas are - and I heartily agree - none of my history text books mention the banana as even a minor cause of the conflict.

So I pointed out that the conflict - was in fact a negotiation - where the civil servant in charge of bananas - discussed, chatted and argues - at great expense to the EU taxpayers - the shape and import regulations and quotas concerning bananas - and the great EU Banana Strategy was developed. The Germans ending up straight bananas and the British with their more curved variety.

Then I described the 'Great Banana Trade War' where America - who doesn't grow commercially any bananas was attacking the EU - who don't grow commercially bananas - because the guy who had all the banana concessions in South America paid considerable amounts of money into the Democrat and Republican parties - so we had a feud that threatened a blockade of French cheese and Scottish knitwear being imported into the US or having massive import taxes put onto them. This was eventually resolved by the World Trade Organisation.

Then in Britain we had the 'Metric Martyrs' - some jobsworth in the Trading Standards department decided to prosecute a market stall holder for selling bananas by the pound. This is just an example of bad implementation of EU law. Nobody buys bananas by weight - you buy by the hand - and how the stall holder works out the price is his business. I believe there should be a conversion table set up on a noticeboard in every marketplace so that buyers can convert.

... another day - another list ...

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

... there should be a law ...

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court,

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

... the return of angus ...

Angus Deayton (Deaton) is back. Radio Active is back - one of the funniest - and one of the cruelest radio shows ever. Listen to it on internet radio on BBC Radio 4 Radio Active.

This demonstrates that Angus Deayton is not just a reader of autocues - but a talented performer - how's about considering him for as the replacement presenter of 'Have I Got News For You' - I believe there is a vacancy for this post at the moment - and the jobbing agency - seems to be short of staff these days - well it is near Christmas - and you can only get people who won't work in the shops.

... shopping presently ...

I have almost done all the Christmas shopping. This is frighteningly organised for me. Thank you Borders for having a good selection of books and calendars.

Awkward people to buy for are a 14 year old boy distant relative - at 6 we could buy him anything to do with cars - and 7 - and 8 - but 14. I also have a grandson who grows bigger every month and I am totally out of touch of size - interests etc etc - so I have found a token present - and - copping out sent money.

My usual tactic is to go shopping at around three on Christmas Eve - the shops are full of people - lots of stuff has gone - so there is less choice - and you get caught up in the excitement - your common sense gone - and you get interesting presents - or a load of tatt - to use a Cockney expression - which you give to people who buy you - sensible socks - hankies - or clothing you cannot be seen in - so in a way this is a fair exchange.

... fire strike will heat up ...

The firemen have been told that they will only get 11% pay rise - although there had been a provisional agreement with their employers - local government - for a 16% rise. Both these deals require some modernisation - while I agree with some changes - I am greatly concerned with the plans to effectively reduce the force by 20% - or - to get rid of one in five firemen.

Modernisation in the UK has nearly always ended up with a worse service - a good example is the National Health Service - where there was some slack in the provision - which meant that the service was able to deal with emergencies and problems better. However the real serious effect of modernisation has been to demoralise NHS staff and to destroy the concept of a team. So now the cleaners are employed by contractors - the nurses are from a temporary agency - and the managers are on temporary contracts - looking to make a quick impression before moving on to the next higher paid job.

Short term solutions and short term strategies have destroyed a lot of what was good about the NHS and caused serious problems - such as selling off cottage/local hospitals has caused bed blocking. Selling off accommodation has meant that lower paid staff cannot live in the big cities - which is the cause of the staffing crisis. No accountability has meant that the wards are dirtier and so on and so on.

So modernisation will have a serious effect on the morale of the fire fighters. Modernisation will mean that instead of the teams such as 'Blue Watch' and 'Red Watch' you will have revolving shifts - which will keep the accountants happy - but will make the teams less effective - will make the job - just a job - not a service.

The other big concern is terrorism - who will be in the front line to deal with bombs, crashed planes or chemical and biological attacks? The Blair government by adopting a very aggressive stance - backing - and promoting - George Bush's planned war with Iraq - has made Britain number one target for an attack. Making the job of fire service much more dangerous and life threatening.

So I repeat the following two questions - if the fire service is modernised

... how many firemen's lives, lost, will be acceptable for the cost savings?

... how many public lives, lost, will be acceptable for the cost savings?

Will the politicians responsible for the moderisation - actually take the responsibility for their decisions -- I think not - by the time it all goes wrong - they will be in a different job - in a different department - and will lay the blame on someone else.

Recent links

BBC News coverage
Fire Strike latest
Fire Brigade Union

... well don't say we didn't tell you ...

... that employing people who make good guests - or even poor guests is not the way to run 'Have I Got News For You'. Lisa Tarbuck is a brilliant performer and reacted well when she was on before - but making her chair - is ridiculous - she's not an authority figure - it would be her and Paul - behind the bike shed - pouring sherbet over some poor first year's head - and telling them they had dandruff - or sticking the sign with - KICK ME - on their backs.

And Charles Kennedy - ok in the role - of idiot to be pulled down a peg or two - and - anyway - why is he not kicking the crap out of the Blair - why is he not running the Liberal Party - while the Tories are playing at - I want to be alone - quietly. Well - I actually turned off - I am actually going out when the programme is on - more seriously I want to see programmes that are on - shhh - the other side - when 'Have I ...' is now on.

The guest presenters are all frightened - of not being good enough to get the job - which they're not going to get anyway - and they are frightened of getting a mauling from Paul - but he's clearly being told to tone it down a bit - or they've put something in his tea - or he needs someone like Angus to wind him up a bit. And so far - no one has read an autocue as good as Angus.

So a good format - an easy format - has been destroyed - because - the tabloid press want a victim - and Angus was it. This means they have the right to knock off performers one by one - skeleton by skeleton - all for a cheap story. Any popular presenter in the BBC will eventually be doomed - on a quiet news week - or doing something wrong - at a party - or with the wrong people - and - er - and I'm sure Angus will agree me - should prostitutes have a professional code of practice - or should be looking at charted prostitutes - that could lose their license - if they breached their privacy agreement.

However you - the BBC - you Jane Lush - who I believe is in charge of Light Entertainment - you need to get Angus back - but I suspect that no one at the BBC would have the guts to do that - after all management can't be wrong - or the BBC needs someone very different - but with authority - as suggested by the Odtaa Files - Angela Rippon could do it - or you could be really radical and employ someone new - but good - like Stephen K Amos - a black comedian - used to dealing with the real rough houses of stand up - but good with new acts - that is he knows when to control - when to let go - and when to bring people out - but let him do it his own way - but again no one in the BBC will have the guts to try him out - or if they did would have to control him.

So Angus Deayton (Deaton) you will be the last real presenter of Have I Got News For You - it will probably last another season - but slowly die - lose rating - as ITV eventually puts something decent on - like 'celeb mountain biking' or 'You've Been Famed edition 902' - where people hilariously fall over - sometimes even by accident - but Paul and Ian will have to start looking for other easy earners.

... what every optician needs ...

is an assistant with bad hand writing



So I end up misreading the appointment card - and I arrive two days early for my appointment - or do I really need glasses?

... report on Paul of Tarsus ...

We have had a disturbing report from the traffic police. A well respected tax collector - Paul of Tarsus - was speeding on the approach road to Damascus - we believe he must have been travelling at over 20 cubits an hour - when he was flashed by a traffic lantern.

He fell off his camel and was found in a confused state and taken to the nearby Damascus Hospital A&E department. After being kept in over night - he exhibited a complete personality change - kept on insisting his name was Paul - and discharged himself. He then left his job - started travelling around - and kept writing - what are called missives - to all and sundry - using green ink.

Doctors are not able to say whether this is a mental breakdown or drug related. However there concern that the incident is connected with the Christian sect - which is a group of people we strongly suspect of criminal behaviour.

... but Dear ...

In the beginning was God.

And God said 'Let there be Light'

... and there was Light.

And God said 'Separate the light from the darkness'.

... and the light separated from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.

And God said, 'Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.'

... and God saw the land appear on a world of oceans.

And God said, 'Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth.'

... and the earth brought forth vegetation, plants and trees bearing fruit. And God saw that it was good.

And God said, 'Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens.'

... and God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves under the sea.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth.

And God made the beasts of the earth and the cattle and everything that creeps upon the ground.

And God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."

... but at his point Mrs God shouted - your dinner's ready - and its getting cold.

God called back 'But dear - I need to finish my work.'

'Come down now.' shouted Mrs God 'You're dinner's getting cold.'

God hurriedly made man and then went downstairs.

'Why can't you get a proper job - like all the other deities' complained Mrs God 'I don't know - up there in the attic - messing about with all those lights and things - its not a proper job.'

'Yes dear' said God in a sad voice.

... damp day afternoon ...

Yesterday was wet - very wet - and we couldn't get the car to start - so we didn't go to the cinema - because it was too late to get by public transport - and - it was a long way by public transport - so...

... we went to see a friend of friend's art exhibition - which was linked to an open day of the artists - who have studios on Eel Pie Island - which is famous for its bohemian past - and is an interesting mixture of homes - boatyards and small studios.

It was wet - and I have lost my hat - and the hood in my coat isn't waterproof - and it goes all over my eyes - so I can't see properly and after five minutes - it soaks through - and makes my head wet - so by the time I get to the bus - my hair is wet and it is about this time I discover my shoes aren't waterproof - so I have a soggy sock.

The bus comes and takes us near to the exhibition - we get off and walk by the river - in the rain - with my soggy sock and water starting to go down the back of my neck - making my collar wet. I walk through puddles - I walk through mud and the rain - well rains - that persistent - not heavy - but cold - and damp - and it sticks to you - as my hood gets sodden - and the back on my collar gets sodden - and now both my socks are sodden - sodden the lot of them (new English epithath).

We find the studio - which is in what was the stable - of a museum - near the bridge to the island - and I am impressed - very large abstracts - well displayed in a large room - I liked a couple of white painting - which seemed to illustrate a misty landscape - both sold - as had much of the exhibition.

We drank wine - and talked - and drank again. A little later we walked in the dark over the bridge to the Island and saw glass work and pottery. We bought glasswork - for older daughter and pottery. We went home - to warmth and dryness and relaxed - talking and watching TV. Quite an enjoyable day.

... positive sayings ...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The softness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

from the inbox

... style or branding ...

Should you employing a 'style guru' or should you be developing your own 'brand' - this is the big debate that is hitting the media after Cherie Blair (also known as da judge (part time) Booth - no doubt with a honorable worship - or m'lud stuck in front) fiasco. Should she have allowed herself to be influenced by style advisor - Carole Caplin - and getting entangled with super conman - Peter Foster.

What Cherie did was a littler silly - was in fact very silly - but with the pressures of a very active life - including law - working with charities - mother - and having to live with Tony - she has little time for chit -chat and so would have seen Foster as a quick fix - for someone buying a flat - and why not buy one get another one cheap - which would have been a good investment.

So when the Mail on Sunday rang up Downing Street the appropriate response should have been - two words - the second one is OFF!!!! - we don't answer questions about the Blair's private life - but the spin doctors do like to control everything - so - they responded - and they don't seem to like it up them - don't seem to like it up them - so maybe they've learnt not to get involved in everything.

So I have learnt my lesson - I no longer cannot afford a style guru - to make myself look good - but should save the money I don't have by not employing a self branding expert - which in my poor state at present means I have a higher level of ambition.

In fact I had started on this track already - there are quite a few writers - journalists - and even an associate producer of 'Diagnosis Murder' with the same name as my self - I had to therefore rebrand and in 2003 - Pau Odtaa - becomes my brand.

Paul - my real name means gentle - Pau - is well more dynamic - particularly if you used to read American comics - and Odtaa - one damn thing after another - is the title of a book by John Masefield- it is the one part of my English Literature - in fact the one part of my secondary school - I enjoyed - well apart from sneaking off games to go fishing - and - well I was fourteen - the appreciation of the girl's new summer uniform - with its defective buttoning - and leaving.

... the Jesus Files II ...

from the files of Pontius Pilate - Jerusalem AD/BC

Further investigation into the suspect suggests that his natural father could be a major cause of concern. We know the father is known by many aliases including Jehovah and Emmanuel. He is well known locally - but impossible to find. He seems to be very influential. He is suspected of running a gang - including Gabriel - suspected of supplying drugs to shepherds and another associate Satan - who is believed to have fallen out with his boss to form a rival gang. People also talk about the 'host' - which we believe is some form of protection racket.

We know the father was either responsible, or certainly associated with, the use of biological weapons of mass destruction in Egypt - the three plagues - and was involved in the attacks and riots in Sodom and Gomorra - which we believe was an attack on rival racketeers - in addition we are seeking him for the disappearance and believed murder of Lot's wife.

We are still trying to work out what was happening in the 'Great Flood' incident - why the area was flooded? and what his believed associate, Noah, was doing with a collection of animals - we have yet to understand - the excuse of saving the animals for breeding - seemed a bit far fetched - and the suspicion of planning to start up an illegal theme park is speculative.

We are also looking for him in our investigation into the smuggling of weapons to those attacking the city of Jericho - the destruction to the city walls is still a mystery to our military experts. The explanation that the walls fell down because of the poor quality of the Joshua's music is laughable.

An alert has been sent out and anyone apprehending the self styled 'God' will be greatly rewarded. A minimum reward of 30 pieces of silver will be given as a reward.

... one night of high living ...

Christmas started well yesterday - I went to a carol service in the Savoy Chapel - which is a mixture of traditional, well known carols and the choir - from St Pauls - perform difficult Christmas tunes - including one in Italian. We then went to a reception in the Institute of Electrical Engineers - on the embankment - shades of Faraday and British engineering and scientific pioneers. We then rounded the evening off with a coffee and Baileys in the Savoy Hotel.

... sheer fear ...

About 11:30 last night we took one of the cycle rickshaws around London and then to Waterloo station. It was quite an interesting experience going around Convent Garden and charging through the traffic in the Strand - very scary as the rickshaws didn't seem to have brakes and the driver seemed to have no sense of fear or self preservation.

We scattered groups of pedestrians and without losing momentum charged in front of cars in the backstreets of London. However the scariest bit was going across Waterloo Bridge which has a long downward slope culminating into the large busy Waterloo Bridge roundabout - where cars aggressively challenge each at other at speed.

The rickshaw speeded up - about a hundred yards from the roundabout - we jerked suddenly to the right - blocking a taxi - yes - a taxi - and it backed off - and then momentum built up. Cars were rushing around - our driver sped up - he stood up - so that he could kick down harder - closer - I could see the cars - I could see the trucks - and we were still speeding up - I shut my eyes - we hit the roundabout - and the cars just parted - and a minute later we were whizzing up the pavement outside Waterloo. I paid and walked rather shakily to the station.

... santa is the real thing ...

At the tender age of 49 my Christmas was ruined when I was told that the real reason that Santa's coat was red - was because of a Coca Cola adverting campaign in the late thirties - green didn't go well with the red of the cola label or the look of the drink.

However a great eccentric on the BBC TV breakfast show has put my mind at rest. In Victorian times the British post man wore a red cloak and on many Victorian Christmas cards - Santa was portrayed as red as opposed to green or blue on continental Europe. Interestingly the nickname for postmen was robins - which was how the link between the robin and Christmas developed.

He also told the tale of St Nicholas - the origin of Santa Claus - who was always dressed in green - and how he helped a landowner down on his luck - by giving a bag of gold - for a dowry - for each of his daughters - just before they were to be married. The first two he was able to throw the bag through the window - but for the third one - the window was locked - so he climbed up on the roof - dropped the bag down the chimney - and it was found the next day in the girl's stocking - hung up to dry near the fireplace.

So Christmas has been restored for me.

... and the junk rolls in ...

I wanted to personally extend an apology -- Yesterday, @@@@@@@ sent you an offer on behalf of Affordable Healthcare. Per our policy (which can be viewed at http://www.@@@@@@@@.co.uk/privacy.html ) we ALWAYS allow you the opportunity to remove yourself from future mailings. Due to an oversight, however, yesterday's campaign did not include the following message:

As a result of their sending me junk mail - which offended their standards - I get more junk mail - or is this a new spam technique.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... the hoops get smaller ...

as you get older

I keep applying for jobs - but getting few interviews.

Its hard to do it right - most jobs won't employ anyone over 40 - over 45 its hard - over 50 difficult and over 55 - employers think you're senile.

The government and councils because of equality issues - are so used to discriminating against men - use age and lack of direct experience as an excuse to discriminate against men - are you listening Surrey and Richmond Council - Department of Work and Pensions - the government Vet Agency (agency name has been neutered) - local universities?

The two interviews I have had - I am too experienced - ie I am more experienced than the manager - and so they fear me taking their job. So I have undersold myself at an interview yesterday - and because of that didn't get the job.

I have made a couple of complaints - the vet agency told me - that they didn't discriminate - but that there were no vacancies - in their computer support department - which as I only applied for an admin job - was completely irrelevant - they agreed I met the person specification - but the positions had now all been filled - but I could apply for the same post - if it came up again.

Richmond Council - personnel department agree that their recruitment procedure was a shambles - but that they definitely did not discriminate - and anyway they had changed their procedures now. So everything is alright then.

Interestingly I did get interviewed for a job as a computer games tester - but - I turned the job down - as it was minimum wage - and only temporary - interestingly this wasn't mentioned in the ad - and I reckon I was only asked to interview as they couldn't find anyone else.

... this is an annoying email ...

---

Hi again

I am so sorry for not replying sooner it seems that, one of my emails seemed to have gone astray, so I thought I would reply hoping that you would still remember who I am :)) If by some chance you have changed your email, I guess I would have lost an opportunity too. shame :(
Anyway, I'm still willing and waiting here http://www.@@@@@@@@.com/@@@@@@.asp If you want to contact me through the site again you know where I am.

Kisses

Ali

---

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

This turns up in my email - clearly an advertising stunt - however - it suggests I had been in contact with someone in a singles area - or chat area - and that I was obviously interested.

So my computer is used by other members of my family - and this sort of approach - often used by the porn industry - suggests that the recipient is doing something they're not. This could lead to arguments - and even divorce. In the workplace it could suggest that someone has been accessing porn and could lose someone their job.

Rant over.

PS I do not need by breasts enlarging - Viagra - my penis extending - and I am not interested in watching you and your bloody webcam - and do you really think I am that stupid as to think you are doing it as a home business - and do you think that if I want to see porn - I am not that bloody stupid - I can't find any on the net - if I wanted to - and often when I don't want to - I am also not interested in model cars - recording DVDs - or criminal TV decoders and I DON'T WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE by USING CAPITALS IN EMAILS. I also don't need a degree - dubious driving licence - or dubious credit card - or multi-level anything.

Yes I was interested in buying the business cards and the digital author - except I've hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of emails about these products and I have now bought my business cards from a local printer and I feel that the over the top advertising has severely damaged the potential of electronic books

GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

... Ok its sexist ...

Three blond MEN are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

sent to the inbox

... off the buses ...

Having had my car stolen I am now using the buses - which I have not used properly for over 30 years - ie I've only used the occasional bus - and in the cold weather - like now - I've always used the car.

I have forgotten how cold you can get - standing around waiting for a bus - with a slight wind chill factor - and you feel your legs -and body get colder - and colder - and there is a chill that feels like it goes to your bones. You realise that you need warmer clothes - a hat - scarves - items you've thrown away years ago.

You feel angry as you wait 35 minutes - for a bus advertised as having a 10--15 minute interval - you get angrier as you are getting close to the start time of the play you're going to see - and a friend is waiting there - and you've got the tickets.

You suddenly realise that you lifer has become limited - I had to anticipate a two hour trip to get to a job interview on time - instead of the 45 minutes by car. And again the cold - the unhappy people at the stop making unhappy jokes about there not being buses - mustn't grumble - must we?

I wasn't going to buy a car - I was going to try and live without one - but no - I can't afford the time - I can't afford the limitation - I can't stand the cold.

... a few jokes ...

Why is the BMW the favourite make of car in the city? Because they can't spell Porsche.

An economist has worked out that nine women can produce a child in one month.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

An old man saw a very tired paratrooper resting. The man said with "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten mile march." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the para.

found in the inbox

... proof that that government is right ...

Government officials have pointed out that immediately the firemen went out on strike the number of call outs reduced - and the number of fires reduced. This could not possibly be the result of the public taking greater care - I know - I know - they should do anyway - and the fact that the period of the strike was held in particularly wet and miserable weather - meaning that fire is less likely to start.

The strike finishes - a fully functional fire brigade is working - and low and behold - the is a massive fire in Edinburgh - seriously damaging fourteen large buildings in the old town - and losing the fringe festival one of its most important venues - the standup comedy industry will be severely harmed by this disaster.

If the government's logic holds - that we need less fireman - and we need less fireman at nights - based on the figures of an 8 day strike - rather than looking at the figures over many years - then the logic is - that there is some link between the numbers of fireman - and the number of fires - therefore if the strike had continued - the fire in Edinburgh - would either not have happened - or would have been minor.

In reality the Edinburgh fire demonstrates why we need a well manned and motivated fire service. They need the manpower - equipment - and they need the motivation - and the team spirit - to deal with serious fires - when they happen. This incident would have been a lot more serious if troops were trying to deal with - as they don't have the expertise - and there is the possibility that a large area of Edinburgh could have been destroyed - and possibly lives lost - as this area - contained a lot of clubs - pubs - and restaurants.

As it is there was only one casualty - and that was a fireman - which also demonstrates that the job is dangerous - the spurious charts of some newspapers showing that as a percentage - fireman die on duty - less than some other groups of workers - is spurious - the figures ignored injuries - or the fact that the low causalities reflect - training - good procedures - and the fact that there is enough manpower on call to sort out most problems.

Within a year it is highly probable that Al Qaeda will attempt to perform a serious terrorist attack on this country. The people sorting out the mess will be the fire brigade. Lets be rational and negotiate a fair pay settlement - possibly with some modernisation - efficiencies - but let's not cut the manpower available to deal with a fire 24 hours a day. To me 48 hours seems a long enough time to work in a week.

BBC News coverage
Fire Strike latest
Fire Brigade Union

... the masculine machine ...

... women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

... weapons of mass destruction ...

I think I've found one

... making it last longer ...

... so love making to your wife is becoming routine and boring.

Be creative - role play - try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That'll do the trick.

Ah great - but how do you make it last for an hour?"

Play NHS doctor.

How do I do that?

Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!

... these boots weren't made for walking ...

... erm sorry George - but you really are going to have to postpone the war on Iraq - you see - we have - erm - a slight problem with military supplies - erm it seems that as was reported in the Odtaa Files - October 31st - erm well the British army - hasn't got any boots.

Well strictly speaking that's not completely right - we have boots size 1 and size 7 - which means we can equip a few soldiers - in fact we have given some soldiers two left boots. There is also the other problem George - which is - that their - erm - boots - we do have - erm - melt in the desert.

OK - I know - the army surplus stores are full of old British army boots - that have been tested in deserts - but they are not the same as the new standard issue boots - which are the only ones we authorised to give our troops.

So if you need support - we can send troops in bare feet or in trainers. That's if we can get our transport planes organised - and we can work out how to use our tanks in the sand - or we can figure out a way to keep our guns firing - and the troops can start getting their mobile phone contracts sorted - so that we've got at least some form of communication.

Love and kisses Tony

... at the clinic ...

... a female friend of mine had to visit the clinic - that we don't like to talk about - you know the - erm - social diseases place.

Well she arrived when it was closed for lunch - looked irritated - and was immediately greeted by a friendly - motherly - nurse - are you here for your methadone prescription? she asked - as the clinic also deals with drugs.

This immediately made the friend feel annoyed - so not only am I a harlot - but look like a junkie as well - she thought.

... well eventually she was examined - prodded - by an unhappy doctor - so would you be with all the jokes about - pox doctors and pox doctor's clerks. Got the tablets and then left.

As she was leaving two guys were hanging around outside - trying to pull - I suppose on the theory that all women visiting the clinic do.

She was not a happy bunny when I saw her.

... the Jesus Files ...

from the files of Pontius Pilate - Jerusalem AD/BC

The suspect was born in poor circumstances - family homeless - mother had to get married and husband not natural father.

The family were under suspicion for the gifts given to the family - by members of a group known as 'the Wise Men'. No satisfactory explanation can be given for the origins of the gold - it is noted that there were a series of thefts from Roman official's villas - however nothing could be proven. Frankincense was being sold off cheaply in the markets - we believe from a smuggling gang from Syria. The Myrrh could have been stolen off the back of a wagon as 'Fingers' Wise Man will - as seen by his files - take anything not nailed down.

There was also the suspicion - again not proven - that illegal drug taking - the cousins from the country and the 'Wise Man' gang both reported bright lights - disembodied voices and were obviously hallucinating about a character called Gabrielle - giving them instructions. The cousins were so disorientated they left their flocks without supervision - which were then attacked by a wolf - and as a consequence they were unable to pay their full level of taxes.

The Suspect then trained as a builder like his father - but we were able to find little evidence - of his working - or paying taxes. However he was able to maintain a relatively high standard of living.

Although there was no proof we suspect he was running a catering business. On one occasion we found around 5,000 people eating a fish supper - the only catering establishment being a stall run by the Suspect. He claimed that most of the people had brought their own food and showed that he only had invoices for the delivery of five fish and five loaves. Due to lack of evidence the case was not followed up.

On another occasion he was suspected of catering for a wedding party. He claimed he was doing it for free. There was a suspicion that he was deliberately avoided paying the newly introduced wine tax - by supplying wine in water pitchers. When challenged he denied all knowledge and the only explanation he was able to offer was that it was a miracle. By the time soldiers arrived at the scene the evidence was drunk and therefore the matter was dropped.

Other incidents in his life include the fight at the synagogue over a pitch for stalls - charges of claiming to be a doctor and there were a number of suspicious instant cures - and there was the bet that he could walk on water. We have no explanation of how this was done - but suspect some sort of platform under the water - it was known at this period he was friendly with a group of fisherman - and they could have easily rigged something.

We are not sure what led to his downfall - he came in to town - on a festival day - and was extremely popular - three days later everyone was against him. We suspect he must have sold them something that didn't work. All we know is that he had a banquet with 12 friends and that they ran out of money. He set a colleague, Judas, out to collect 30 silver pieces. Judas - clearly fed up - reported the incident to the city authorities - and was willing to help us convict him. Judas was subsequently found hanged - and although suicide was the formal explanation - we suspect foul play.

The Suspect was arrested - charged - and on the evidence of many in the trial convicted. We were willing - and in fact suggested a custodial sentence - but the local population wanted him to receive the death penalty. He was consequently sentenced to death with a thief and murderer.

He appeared to die and was taken to a tomb - three days later there were reports that he was seen in the locality and then nothing was heard about him. We suspect that his death was faked and that he has subsequently left the territory. We have concerns that his gang and other supporters are still well organised and I advise my successors to watch this group carefully as believe they have potential to cause problems in the fuure.

... the t-shirt design ...

Show Me Your Weapon

Of Mass Destruction

... good luck Anne Diamond ...

... so she was evicted first from Celebrity Big Brother - so she was a little down about it - and being off the show - and being on the show - and she has put on a little weight - which is perfectly normal - and makes her about average size - or thinner than mosdt woman.

The interviews she has given - show that she is still a good performer - her replies are well thought out - she is still very attractive - still has a sharp mind - so lets either leave her alone - or support her.

... so this young policeman ...

... and a sergeant carrying a clip board were walking down the road.

Oi - you - the young policeman said.

What me? - I asked

Yes - you're coming with me.

But ...

He grabbed hold of me by the arm.

Hey - I said

Come along Sir - he said.

My arm was now twisted and going up my back.

I must protest - I said - arghh.

There's no need to resist - Sir.

He started to push me.

I tried to hold my ground.

Push

I sort of shoved back

Arghhhh - I started to move backwards.

The policeman now had me in a strong grip. I couldn't resist and he slowly guided me across the pedestrian crossing.

When we got to the other side he released his grip a little.

How was that sergeant? - he called out.

The sergeant looked up from the notes he was making on the clip board.

Good - he beamed - and what are you going to do next?

Erm - oh yes - I know.

The policeman released my arm. He smiled at me.

Then he pulled back his sleeve.

I flinched back - tensing for the blow.

He looked at and then down at his wrist.

The time is now three thirty in the afternoon precisely - he said.

He looked over the the sergeant - Is that alright?

Yes - said the sergeant - who then pulled out a pencil and started making marks - helped a member of the public across the road - check - told time to member of public - check - right - that's the customer service training nonsense out of the way - lets go back to the station and have a lovely cup of tea - then we can meet some proper villains tomorrow.

He looked across at me and smiled

Thank you very much Sir - he said - You've been a great help.

I was stunned. I stood on the other side of the road and waited for them to walk off and turn round the corner - before I dared cross the road again and continue on my way home.

... and the good news is ...

Chocolate is good for you. Well theobromine - a chemical found in chocolate - is more effective than codeine at preventing coughs - according to researchers at Imperial College - in a paper delivered to the British Thoracic Society - and what they don't know about coughs - ain't worth knowing.

Good news for all women - now if only chocolate made you slimmer as well and...

... good news for Ian Duncan Smith - give him chocolate bars and see the Tory revival.

I'm sure a guy called Theo Bromine used to drink at my local pub - and do you know what? - he never had a cold or cough.

... in a war zone - far away ...

Why are the weapons inspectors:

> not being given proper funding and equipment?

> why do they not have proper security scanning equipment or proper security arrangements?

> why is America insisting on sending low calibre people in the monitoring group?

Because George Bush wants the mission to fail. So that he can attack Iraq. So that he can steal the oil.

Saddam is a totally obnoxious man and he treats his people abysmally - but he was no threat to Britain or America.

His approach to dealing with fundamentalist Islamic priests and leaders is to put them up against a wall and shoot them. He knows that weapons of mass destruction given to terrorists are more likely to be used on his own regime - than against the west.

I really don't want to see American and British lives lost in what is an economic war.

In the sixties and seventies I hitched throughout Europe and the people in the front line in the Iraq war will be grand children of those great Americans who gave me lifts. They have the courage - and the sense of duty - and the professionalism to do the job - as will the British - but not for them the spoils of the war - if they are lucky - a medal or two - a military pension - small perks - but not the massive wealth - the tens of billions of dollars - the oil industry - such as in Texas - will make.

... and if the war goes wrong? - they will be the ones that die - the ones that are injured - and they will ignored - blocked out of the national consciousness - as the politicians - and media pretend it never happened.

... revolting students ...

My daughter was on the protest march against the plans to 'top up' - ie charge dramatically higher university fees. This would mean that the top British universities would only be available to the very rich, foreign students and a few from very poor backgrounds - through some form of government support.

... anyway at midday she was revolting - and by ten o'clock at night Tony Blair had backed down.

A good result for once. It pays to listen Tony.

I presume the success had little to do with the fact that at least six of the cabinet violently oppossed the plan and that the majority of the cabinet were luke warm in support.

... after Quasimodo's death ...

... the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

"but his face rings a bell."

we apologise but there is more - see below

... the following day ...

.. despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, The bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

"I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but...

. . . . Wait for it . . .





. . . It's worth it. . .





.... He's a dead ringer for his brother."

the management apologise unreservedly for the quality for this joke

... and there's more.

The police came and looked at the two bodies.

We have an arrest warrant for the first one - he used to be a pickpocket - using his feet.

I am most surprised. Was he dangerous?

No mostly 'Armless' (said in a cute French accent)

... meanwhile in a remote location in Iraq ...

... the armaments inspectors assistant said

Erm - I think I've found one

What?

A weapon of mass destruction - in fact lots of them

Where?

Just behind this door.

What have you found?

Well I think I've found a nuclear bomb - see over there - next to the boxes marked - erm - oh yes - 'Toxic Chemicals- Agent Orange '

Lets have a better look - yes - we'll have to walk around all these missiles and what's that over there - a chemistry set - argh yes - no - it seems to be more a biology class - look at that sign - what a funny way to spell Anthrax.

Yes my Geiger counter is definitely detecting radio activity - must be a bomb - hey look there's dozen's of them over there.

Right - I suppose we'd better report it.

Erm - no - because if we do that - what happens then - yes - George Bush will start bombing - he'll start bombing immediately - and - he'll be bombing Iraq - and this bit of Iraq...

... we are - erm - actually - in Iraq - in the target zone and - Saddam might extend in hospitality - wouldn't we like some sweet tea - Quality Street chocolates - rest our weary eyes - and have a magnificent view - perhaps in the penthouse of this building.

... and anyway - we've only been here a couple of weeks - erm - you seem to be forgetting the main reason we're here.

What? - to protect the free world from the evil of the Iraqi empire?

Of course not.

To enforce the will of the UN in a troubled region? - leading to peace and prosperity for all?

No - I mean the real reason.

Oh to be paid a ludicrously high consultancy rate - collect our fees - and get out - before George attacks anyway.

Right.

So its another Weapons of Mass Destruction - Not Found Report then.

Er - yes - pass the expenses form while you're there.

... the other A level scandal ...

I used to teach computing to 16 to 19 year students. The move from the National Diploma to vocational qualifications GNVQs - based around NVQs (national vocational qualifications) was a disaster for the students - as it concentrated on paperwork - being very prescriptive - and changing lecturing from being a creative, with some flexibility - to a bureaucratic nightmare.

More seriously the information technology modules seemed to be designed to make the subject as boring as possible. Instead of teaching students how to program - we had units of programming appreciation. No longer could a student write a brilliant program hundreds or thousands of lines long - and then appreciate that by using a procedure - he could save a lot of typing and at the same time the program was more readable. This discovery would quickly be told to the rest of the class and at the end of two years about a third of the class could get technical work - most would go onto university - extremely well prepared - and generally could knock the spots of most A level students when it came to techie parts of the course. In a class of twenty around 16 would go into a technical or computing career.

With programming - making mistakes - developing input screens with bright green, purple and blue input screens - and in the case one student developed an ascii combat program - with blood and heads being knocked off - and another built his own Windows interface in turbo Pascal. There was time to experiment and build up confidence - build up skills and gave the students a wide experience of programming - and the experience of working as part of a programming development team - as well as learning - by making mistakes - why design - and a professional approach was needed. It also allowed the lecturer the flexibility to encourage the good students - who usually needed just pointing in a direction - and spend time with the weaker - less confident students .

The GNVQ with its small modules forced us to teach modules on procedures - so our students - could copy the definition of a procedure from page 253 of the text book - and hand it in with the other 32 definitions they needed to have ticked off - to pass the module. They could steal examples of procedures from course materials - but there was not time - or structure - for the students to experiment. Although I improved the course slightly - by giving the students the option to deliver the reports in web format - and using a primitive ascii based adventure game to demonstrate techniques - the kids were not stupid - they knew the structure was crap - and so I changed from computer lecturer - to wordprocessing teacher - nagging students to produce report after report - or drill sergeant making them do simple exercise after simple exercise -so boxes could be ticked.

The result was that only around 6 of the larger classes of 24 would go into a computing related career - and the rest had been put off a techie career. No one could leave a GNVQ course and be useful to an employer - so it was only the students - that did work at home - who had this option. So the country loses approximately 10 technicians or programmers per GNVQ class a year - which I estimate is at least 5,000 per annum.

The new A level A/S are even worse

OK lets forget that most schools and college still insist on using turbo Pascal - which is so old it is impossible to buy - except second hand - well - to be truthful there is some move towards visual basic and a few colleges do C. And lets not forget that no school or college is going to pay for a teacher or lecturer to learn up to date skills - we need to spend the money - and time - on training on government policies - building structures for Investors in People - learning how to bull the forms to get your performance related pay.

In the old A level structure a student has five terms to learn programming - develop their skills - and develop a significant programming project. In the current structure students do one project a year - which has to be marked in Easter - so that 's an initial reduction of 20% practical programming over a period of two years.

In the first year students are given some form of programming exercise to do. Only around a quarter of the student group - the nerds -have the background and motivation to do these exercise. So a lecturer is forced to teach - only to getting the students through the exercises - this means giving the students around 90% of the answer - and training them just to modify the programming examples given out in class. It also means that the genuine student who tries to learn programming - or has the initiative to try and do it independently will often make a mistake - and get a lower grade.

So there is no training students to design - or training to use procedures properly - and it narrows the course down - making the majority of students bad hackers - with little idea of what they doing - and making a lot of students rethink their career choices - again losing Britain a substantial number of technical people.

The second year A level requires the students to produce a substantial programming project - again in two terms - which again means a cobbled together program - using other people's code - and often concentrating on the documentation. The stress on the students is higher than on many other A level course and effectively if the lecturers and teachers did not come close to cheating and giving more help than the exam boards' guidelines - then at least two thirds of each class would fail or get very low grades.

So the result of the new A level structure is that it puts off a substantial number of potential recruits to the computing industries and many of the grades are achieved by teaching staff bending the rules.

I estimate that the new vocational A level and the new academic A level are losing this country around 100,000 computing specialists, network technicians and other technical recruits per year. I worry what the bureaucrats will do next.

... so the government have won ...

... a war they they appear to have started - there was an agreement of around 16% with the employers - in June this year - but the central government blocked it. The agreement put on the agenda discussions on restructuring - or modernisation as the government calls it.

Thinking it through the health service - the train service - buses - the police - education and even public lavatories have been modernised - and yes - they've certainly changed - needing more management - and more paperwork - except in the case of the public lavatories - where the paperwork seems to have declined.

There seems to be an annoyance that the fireman work 48 hours - as opposed to what? - 37 hours for office workers.

- and then there is annoyance that some firemen do part time work in their spare time - running their directorships - paid speaking engagements - running consultancy projects - foreign junkets - well no - but working class things - like cabbying and doing some decorating - and that shouldn't be allowed - after all they shouldn't be free to use their spare time the way they want to - like say a milkman - or postmen.

... and then they don't work all the time - well that sort of is the point of an emergency service - its there on call - when needed. No call outs mean - well that all is well in the world - and believe it not they do a little training - a little cleaning - a little maintaining - and - a little? - paperwork - because we need some of that.

Apparently due to the period of the strike fires have declined and the death rate from fires has decreased - working on the government logic - if we completely got rid of the fire brigade and employed one green goddess - then we would have no fires - serious car crashes - chemical spillages - or floods - and - sorry - but - Tony - please listen - I'm being ironic - this would not really work - honest.

I am also concerned about the way the ordinary firemen and women have been pilloried - one or two journalists have tried to make it appear that there is a conflict between the army and the brigade. This is appalling.

Within the next six months Al Qaeda is going to attempt to hit Britain hard. As we are the closest link to America - if they succeed then we are going to get hit hard - where - and how - we are hit - is anyone's guess - but we are the prime target - by hitting us - they don't get the full wrath they'll get by hitting America - and they know - we can't hit back as hard - and America will not - when the chips are down - risk American lives - to avenge British deaths.

So why demoralise the fire brigade at this point in time? - why argue about something that was already close to agreement? To play some sort of macho game? To punish the FBU for electing an old left leader? To keep public sector pay down? or some more elaborate game involving Tony and Gordon - and their political ambitions?

So - can I ask - Tony, Gordon and the guy whose name I don't know in the scruffy suit - when you modernise - and reduce the force - which will mean that the job becomes riskier - and increases the risk to the public - can I ask the following two questions

... how many firemen's lives, lost, will be acceptable for the cost savings?

... how many public lives, lost, will be acceptable for the cost savings?

... so the butler didn't do it ...

... again. After the Paul Burrell (Burell, Burrel) saga - where she who should not be mentioned - code word - Liz Windsor - mentioned - in passing - after only half a million pounds of police time - and lawyers time - had been spent - that he didn't do it - because he told her - that he was protecting the stuff from - those evil people - you know the Spencers.

... and Harold Brown and society jeweler, Jan Havlik, were only following orders to dispose of knick knacks and lower grade gifts to royalty and Princess Di.

Interestingly this decision had to be made in court - where the guys put on their spender belts, stocking, red gowns and wigs and where barristers, solicitors and brief case carriers all get paid a considerable sum per hour. Have they not heard of mobile phones and working out of hours - or do they still believe the quill - implement for writing on parchment - m'lud - is mightier than sword - if you want to be on an earner.

Three things come to mind - firstly if you've had one farce with one royal butler - why go through another - without at least considering that you might be walking into another farce - as this case is being dropped - as the first case was dropped - this seems obvious.

Two - have royalty no concept of dealing with workers - any company I have worked with - would have sent the heavies from human relations - held the person upside down - shaken them - and got the stuff back - making them tick the box - no publicity - written in red - with their own blood. Alternatively is there no more Keeper of the Royal Knuckle Duster? - the Guild of the Discreet deed Doers - or not some discreet rooms left in the Tower - to sort this sort of thing out?

Thirdly - if the Police and the Criminal Prosecution Service are spending so much time on this - its no wonder that my stolen car - is gone - and the police to seem to have problems dealing with the paperwork - let alone seeking out - and beating up suspects - sorry officer - it was my little joke - yes I will stand in the corner.

... one helluva life ...

Tonight I was in the Richmond Theatre to see 'One Helluva Life starring Tom Conti.

It was a strange experience as I had sat in almost the same seat for the Al Murray - the Pub Landlord Show just over a week ago. The audience was so different - average at least 20 years older - more formally dressed - and definitely less people - and less shoving at the bar.

One Helluva Life has Conti - as the actor John Barrymore - telling directly to the audience - highlights form his life. The show takes the theme of Barrymore's last practice - for his last show - set shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbour - and shortly for Barrymore's death.

Conti has a fantastic stage presence - not that he needed it - as the audience was there with him - and in the early stages in front of him - as they laughed at jokes in the script - before they were delivered. But quickly Conti roped them in - and controlled the audience - and told the story with his timing - his script.

It soon emerges that John Barrymore has a drink problem - funny in the first act - but showing its destructive power towards the end. The only other performer is Frank - the prompt - fan - and friend - who desperately wants Barrymore to succeed - and try and capture some of his former glory. The other person is someone - anonymous - in the audience - who Barrymore performs to - tells stories to - and acts to.

He recounts episodes of his life to a person as Frank tries to coax him to concentrate on his forth coming performance of Richard III. However Barrymore is easily diverted - as he tries to avoid his reality. The script by William Luce is very sharp - which combines some sadness - with some brilliant flashes of humour and the growing realisation that Barrymore cannot deliver.

Early on Barrymore states that 'you are old when regrets replace dreams' - which hit the audience.

There are stories of friends - his early life - his alcoholic father - his brother and sister - friends - directors - and his four wives - always it was back to his wives. They gave him sadness - and were the cause of his grief.

Other good lines include 'To avoid martial disharmony - don't get married in January - or for that matter - any other month.' or 'divorce is much more expensive than getting married - but it is money well spent' and 'With all this alimony - you would think I don't have money to live - that's not true - I have money - lots of money - providing - I die today'

Towards the end of the second act it becomes clear that his memory has gone as have his acting skills - he confuses lines - and keeps looking for diversions - in the end even the loyal Frank gives up.

Tom Conti demonstrates again that he has tremendous power on the stage. 'One Helluva Life' is an extremely good vehicle for him - allowing him to range from comic - to pathos and back again. The play is complicated where he has to show flashes of the brilliant Shakespearean actor to pathetic drunk. Go and see it

... I can't stand on buses ...

After 9:30 pensioners - if they have a pensioner's card - can use the bus for free. So being English - and the main motivation of being English is to avoid embarrassment - why did I sit in the bottom section . When I got on there were a few seats left - but when we went round the corner - all the over 60s in the area climbed on board.

There were old ladies standing up - but who looked fit - and - the last two times I had offered my seat - on public transport - the person refused to take the seat - both told me they were perfectly fit - and - er - who was I to be offering them a seat - which made me very embarrassed - particularly as the other passengers expressed their contempt - in the English way - by looking / not looking - and appearing to look anywhere - but at me.

So I sat - not wishing to commit - not wishing to talk - not wishing to insult - not wishing to get embarrassed - and - wanting the comfort of the seat. We travelled on - people got on - some people got off - friends of old ladies got on - I got looks - oh no - I'm embarrassed again.

In the end a very old lady got on - I got up - and moved down the bus - near the stairs - blocking people getting off - or getting on - no - I'm getting embarrassed again. Oh what a relief when my stop came. Except this other old lady would not get out of the way - so I had to barge - push - shove - to get myself off. Embarrassment again.

... pedestrian rage ...

So I am trying to cross at a zebra crossing - which in England - means I have priority - the first car accelerates - and I would have been knocked over if I'd attempted to cross - there is a gap between this car and the next - so I start to cross - the second car accelerates - I stop - the car brakes - stops on the crossing - forcing me to step back.

The driver shouts at me - then I lost it - I screamed at her - not swearing - but who did she think she was - didn't she know how to drive - didn't she know the law - didn't she know cars could hurt people. As I shouted I moved in - my face closer and closer to hers on opposite sides of the window screen.

Suddenly she went from being aggressive to very scared - and cowered - and seemed to be muttering sorry -sorry.

I walked off - I still feel bad.

... untold war stories number 41 - the biro ...

Quite a few people state that one of the few positive developments of the Second World War was the development of the Biro pen.

However the Odtaa Files believe that the Biro was in fact developed as a particularly nasty weapon.

For example little documentation has been made on what happens when you tread on a broken Biro in bare feet. Not only are you cut - but fragments of the pen break off into the wound. After a few days the wound gets worse and doctors have great difficulty in identifying the cause as plastic cannot be detected by X-ray or ultra sound. In the case of my daughter she was off work for a couple of weeks and on crutches for another - just because of a Biro ambush.

Biros are also a cause of problems - happy people argue about, fight about and steal Biros from each other - which quickly destroys morale and causes conflict. And now I find out that on average, 100 people choke to death on Biro pens every year.

Clearly there was a German Biro strategy in the war to take out Britain using the Biro. These plastic were going to be dropped all over Britain - sowing dissent as people fought over them. Fifth columnists could carry one of the pens innocently - snap one in two and drop the broken containers in places where people were bare footed - eg swimming baths. That and the encouragement of people to chew their pens - while thinking what to write - would have inflicted severe causalities We have to thank the few for defeating the German bombers in the air and thus preventing this subtle - but severe threat - in our hour of need.

... party strategy number nine ...

At the Christmas party - four of the facts below will interest and fascinate other people - reciting the others will encourage people to make their excuses and leave you alone - both very successful party strategies - but which facts are which? Your mission is to read and decide.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (hopefully not on the pavements around here)

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. (the pen is mightier than the sword)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (would you want them to - what about hippos?)

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. (I was told I needed a new hobby, officer)

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, Engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. (that'll teach them to cut the engineering book budget)

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." (and orange ... and chimney)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist! (does this surprise you)

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. (A?)

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. (fortunately I can turn the shower onto cold)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. (makes for a very large table)

Almost everyone who reads this e-mail will try to lick their elbow. (I tried to lick someone else's elbow after reading this - but the magistrate was understanding - and told me about this club he goes to - where there is this nice lady called Yvonne - who ...)

from the inbox

... have the Australian's sussed ...

... the English 2020 cricket plan.

According to a news report in the Ha'aretz newspaper the Australian captain Steve Waugh said yesterday his joy at retaining the Ashes was slightly tempered by England's poor performance.

The English team has to be careful if the 2020 strategy is this scheme is to be successful. As you will know - if you are English - this is our cunning plan to field poor teams when playing Australia - up to the year 2020 - with the intention of permanently destroying Australian cricket.

As can be seen by the above report the Australia team is already becoming disillusioned - what is the point of training hard - making all these sacrifices - when the team you are up against is no better than those playing village cricket on a Sunday. Over the next few years these permanent wins will make the Australians look bad - too competitive - trying too hard.

It will make the game very boring - so bookies losing their income - their houses - their wives - their mistresses - no one - but the English - will turn up to matches - no one will want to go to cricket school - or do cricket coaching - and by the year 2020 Australian cricket will be in terminal decline.

It is then - that we English start sending better teams which will dominate the cricketing world for a century or so .

Note to English cricket team The picture above portrays a player hitting a ball - probably quite hard - with the result that they may hit a six - or with a bounce a four. This type of behaviour is not part of the current English strategy and should be avoiding at all costs.

... solving the odd sock problem ...

Christmas is coming - and I went to town to shop - all I bought were bananas and - 30 pairs of socks - all Marks & Spencers' finest - well the finest on the cheap shelves - so I can now throw away all my other unmatching socks - and my holy socks - and let older relatives give me - a box of socks - 'box of sox' - for Chrismas.

... Anita and me and I ...

Adapted by Meera Syal from her book 'Anita and me' - the film tells the story of a young 12 year old Indian girl called Meena and her hero worship and friendship with 14 year old Anita - a thoroughly bad lot. The setting was based in a Black Country mining village in the seventies - where Meena's family are the obvious outsiders - dad was an accountant - where all of the locals were working class - in largely malfunctioning families.

Although the film has not been given good reviews in the 'high brow' press. I feel it is a very entertaining - not too heavy weight - but showing aspects of British working class life - and Asian life in Britain - although mostly tongue in cheek - the film looks some serious social problems, such as racism and domestic violence.

The film hit me hard as I was brought up in a Nottinghamshire mining village in the fifties - my family was also outsider the community - my father was a trainee engineer - National Coal Board manager working outside the village - whereas everyone else living around us - were related to someone working at the local pit. At that time all the housing in the main village was owned by the coal board.

The Meena character was quite determined and stood up to most of her problems - I found it harder to cope - not only was I an outsider - but because I was brought up elsewhere - having spent the first ten years of my life - living in the only council flat in a block of exclusive apartments, in post war London - there I was the poor kid - an outsider - but after a few years I was gradually accepted.

I was then effectively parachuted into a new world - from poor kid in a rich neighbourhood - to still being the poorest - my father was only a trainee - but also being seen as being posh - I spoke with a London accent - and the son of a manager - in a totally working class area.

I didn't understand the culture - so - I didn't argue with my parents enough - and ended up being the only kid in my year - with no football boots - in my first week at school. I was also the only kid in my year group who could not swim. So I was seen as being weak - useless at sports - and weird.

The education in the village was well behind that of London - why bother when the best the children from the village could do was to be a pit electrician - so I was made to go back to printing - rather then doing joined up writing - using pencil - when I was used to pen - I was then made to learn a completely different system of writing - and then penalised for writing in my preferred style.

My school reports throughout this period show a marked decline - I strongly remember being humiliated by a teacher - in front of the whole school - being told I was useless in the school play - I can also remember being hassled by the same teacher at other times - did she hate me for not being local - was it because she saw me from a different class - any way shes was a total credit to her profession - I don't think.

Eventually I developed my own persona with the other kids at school - by wheeling and dealing with American comics - and establishing myself as a bit of a comedian - but I never felt I belonged - but I survived - and being considered a little eccentric - was accepted. In fact in the junior school I had more hassle from teachers - than the kids at school.

My father then got promoted and we moved the Lancashire - where I was about two years behind the other kids - talking with a very strong Nottingham accent - I was then a complete outsider again. At thirteen I was transferred to a so called 'Grammar School' - a brand new school - but with all the clever kids being creamed off to more established grammar schools - so the school was really a 'secondary modern' with pretensions to being a grammar school.

My transfer was an experiment - ten kids - given intensive training for two terms - and then 'integrated' into the main school. So I was then an outsider again - when the integration happened I was a year older than the other kids in class. As we were an experimental group we were slung into the lower group at the school - and supposed to be grateful.

We had to sit alphabetically in class - which meant I sat next to Mackenzie - who every five minutes would stab me with a compass - or some other amusing thing - and I was sitting immediately in front of a guy called Norton - a complete thug.

The lower groups were being trained up for industry - so I had to drop subjects I liked - and was good at - such as history - and was forced to do metal work - and mechanical drawing - subjects I was useless at - but only the top groups were given choices. I also had to keep my head down at the school - bullying was rife - and not being a sportsman - had no real way to build up a network to protect myself.

These experiences have shaped my life - partially badly - in that I lack the confidence in myself to really achieve what I should be able to - but it did lead me into teaching - where I have helped quite a lot of students - with similar problems. I used to be good at helping middle range students.

... what do you call an otpotss in a law court ...

So in the process of joined up, politically correct government - the cabinet office wants us to replace the word 'homosexual' with the term otpotts, orientation towards people of the same sex, the Crown Prosecution service has come up with the term lgbt, standing for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual.

Although these concerns are laudable in attempting to combat discrimination and hate crime - the solutions are so stupid that they could encourage more discrimination - annoy those of us who believe in diversity - but find this type of political correctness irritating. My concern is that the problem with reporting an attack or discrimination is not the terminology, but the process - which is often not sympathetic to any victim.

Within the gay community there are numerous people who can cleverly play with words - and can clearly come up with better terminology - than otpotss or lgbt.

As it is many jokes will be made - lgbt - will obviously become mixed up with the term lbt - 'lettuce, bacon and tomato' and otpotts has already brought in the concept of gays in Manchester being called "Lancashire 'Otpotss"

Already the people who have thought this up have been called 'otts' - orientated towards themselves sexually.

... thanks for the improvements Bill ...

... but the upgrades my Windows system keeps insisting that I use - seem to be giving me problems. I download and install the crucial ones - and ...

.. I keep getting bothered by a thing called messenger - which seems to think I need a dubious degree - my breasts enlarged - and some urgent messages from some - married, but lonely women - who seem to need some technical help setting up a web cam service - I assume it will help them talk to each other. and ...

... my automatic dial up to the internet is - well - no longer - an automatic dial-up. and ...

... I keep getting error messages in my browser - asking me if I want to report errors to you - and if I say yes - or if I say no - then I lose the site - and - you know Bill - when I say yes - and send messages to you - you don't reply - and you know how women tell us off for being like that ...

... so can the next improvement - actually make my system work better Bill - I really would appreciate it.

... I am beginning to watch ...

too much TV. I watched a couple of programmes I wanted to watch - and then I got hooked into a film - I've already seen - and didn't like -and I have contempt for myself for watching it - and then I dozed - and watched more dross.

Its hard living life at the edge

... so I made the sacrifice ...

... of eating numerous sweets and four chocolate donuts - to support my wife's diet. Few women could have such a dedicated partner.