... and the weapon inspectors went ...

... to Saddam's 'Mother of All Wars' Engineering Works. Now that's what I call an armament factory with a proper name - not like BAE systems etc

Incidentally there have been complaints that the Iraqis are being too helpful - such as opening the gates of inspection sites - having the managers there to greet the inspectors - and even having tea ready.

... and yet we blast the country to kingdom come if they delay the inspectors going in - possibly the Iraqis have an incentive to do it right.

... to those people that say Iraq does not respect free speech - let me make this clear - every Iraqi has the right to complain about Saddam - once - in his lifetime - think about it

... a little technical difficulty ...

Listening to the online radio - the BBC 4 programme 'the News Quiz' . You can hear repeats - good British satire - but you have to know British news.

Well the sound was very quiet.

Checked the sound software - pushed sounds of to maximum - played around with balance - CD balance - WAV controls - MIDI balance - no real change except sound only comes out of one speaker now.

Investigated the Creative Sounds folder - frightening - lots of programs - that do technical things - each program very scary - went had coffee.

Came back and solved the problem.

The sound control on the speaker was turned down.

... so if you want a full explanation of the EAX Sound Mixer - don't ask me.

... the insurance company ...

... that is paying me a pittance for my car - are telling me that I have to send them all the documents - that I have already sent them - and with which they already needed to process the claim - again.

I can't because you have them and I do not - can you send them back to me - so that I can send them to you again ...

... and with that the line went dead.

... who are these people ...

... destroying 'Have I Got News For You'. After the sacking of Angus Deayton (Deaton) in a knee jerk reaction because said Angus had sex - calm down here Pau - with consenting females and was alleged to have snorted - stuff - totally unproven - and the allegees made lots of money selling the story - the story is impossible to prove - or not to prove.

I am also concerned that the first story was told by a prostitute - has she no professional standards? - should she not be severely censored by the professional prostitution bodies - and her license taken away.

... well going back to the show - Boris Johnson - conservative MP - editor of the Spectator - all round good chap - clear proof the PG WodeHouse was in fact writing serious biographical novels - and not the humour books we previously thought. Is Boris as stupid and clumsy as he appears - or his he a clever act?

... anyway Boris demonstrated that he could not read an auto cue - he cannot control the - subdued Paul Merton - note to Jane Lush - this one of the key assets of the show - Paul Merton reacting to a chairman that can control him - mostly - and Boris demonstrated that he can wreck up the structure - by incompetence - or pretended incompetence.

One of the guests Steven K Amos - a brilliant standup - a great actor - see him compare the toughest venue in Britain - Late and Live - in Edinburgh - where drunken Scots, drunken yobs and the drunken care in the community - hurl abuse - and worse at the performers - Steven K - can control them - calm them - and get them eating out of his hand - in the Coliseum - he would have been telling the lions - to sit - and they would sit - and purr - well he just wasn't allowed in the game - as the so called host - was taking all the limelight.

The show was a subdued shambles - and guess what - you're going to have Charles Kennedy on as host soon - these decisions are just unbelievable - is this a deliberate ploy to wreck the show? - has there been political pressure to get the show pulled? - or are the people in charge of the show - from another planet? - or do they think that pals from the Groucho Club - can just walk in.

The show needs the return of Angus Deayton - or someone strong - to control Paul and Ian - and yet smart enough to know when to shut up - when Paul rants. As politically they can't let - well they would have to admit they got it wrong - wouldn't they - they someone like Angela Rippon - who would be good - or someone like Stephen K - experienced in stand up - who could control it - but would be very different from Angus.

and just out of interest who wrote the blurb on the BBC listings website

Another exciting round of the topical news quiz with prince of the put-down Ian Hislop and joker of the pack Paul Merton is not how I would describe the show.

The Sun has obviously lost a brilliant headline writer - but on second thoughts ... erm .. no they haven't.

... taking the walk ...

One benefit of having my car stolen is that I have to walk more. I actually walked a whole mile to have my hair cut - more of a search, find and bring back the missing hairs mission. The baber is nice and tradional - he doesn't talk much - and hides as much as he can of the bald patch when showing me the back with his mirror.

As a result I have found two new restaurants - including an Afro-Caribbean one with an amazing menu.

So the pounds that come off - may get put back on again.

... ding, ding, ding - seconds out ...

You should have stopped at the last bus stop.

No I shouldn't - you should have rung the bell.

Buses should always stop at designated bus stops.

No they shouldn't.

You *&£!ing b*stard.

Don't you talk to me like that.

Bus stops - woman gets off - and screams something else as bus moves off.

Oh the joy of public transport.

and the bell on this bus goes burp.

... is that the car insurance company? ,,,

... remember me - my car was stolen?

... and you told me it was only worth - which is not enough to buy a replacement car - well one where I won't be absolutely ripped off - as your guy said - independent dealers are a bit riskier - and a seven year old car in good condition - well that's rare - and there was not an equivalent car on the internet.

... so you do remember.

... well I don't have a car and I can't afford a replacement at the moment so ,,,

... well I want to cancel my insurance as I don't have a car to drive - and I can't afford to buy a new one ...

... well you've not given me enough money for a new one - and I do want want one that's reliable - so I'm going to have to get a job - and older people don't get jobs that easy...

... so can I cancel the policy?

... no - as I've made a claim I can't cancel - even if I don't have a car to drive?.

... well it that case can I suspend the policy as I'm not driving a car.

... the only car I am likely to drive is my wife's and I'm already covered by you on that policy.

... you're not - can I have your name - oh you'll put me through to some one else

... hello - I used to like Vivaldi...

... you're claims people already have all the documentation - or they wouldn't have give me that very small cheque (check)

... I'm glad the computer recognises me.

... fill in more forms - OK - and then you'll consider it.

Thank you.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... let me eat cake ...

Well she is on a diet - she is going to Weight Watchers tomorrow - she is concerend about her figure. She did go out last night -and - there wasn't much on the TV. And there were only two slices - I thought I was being helpful - helping her avoid temptation - helping tidy the kitchen. But...

... she didn't seem to appreciate my support - and sacrifice - by eating the last two pieces of chocolate cake.

... as seen in Private Eye ...

See this image in the current edition of Private Eye taken from our 'No Need to Boast' article in the archives.

Link: Private Eye web site

... modernisation will kill ...

I actually agree that some modernisation of the fire service is reasonable. It seems to me ridiculous that the fire brigade should have a separate control from the police and ambulance service. There probably are more efficient ways of organising shifts.

However 78% of the budget goes on personnel - and I get the impression that fire engines and modern communication equipment are not that cheap.

Most of the time firemen are not putting out fires - and most of the fires they do put out - are lets face it - small - chip pan fires - rubbish bins - but ...

... on a Sunday morning - when I was - as station manager's clerk - in charge of Paddington Station - the alarm went off - and within minutes - three fire engines turned up - OK - a fire alarm glass had cracked - no problem - but - what if that had been a real fire - then the brigades' prompt action would have saved thousands? - millions? property costs - and probably many lives.

My mother's retirement complex - again false alarm - and once a small fire - quickly put out - but - if the fire had caught - who would have got all the people out????

Fireman are needed for the exception - not the norm. The big fire - the chemical spillage - the multi- car pile up - the flood - need a full team - to deal with the incident - deal with the people - deal with the mess.

To reduce the fire fighting team means - there is less manpower - means less backup to the front line fire fighters - means there is less men to give the front line a rest - means there is more risk to the team - means more risk to the public - more risk to buildings, more risk full stop.

The job has got more complicated - more chemicals - worse traffic conditions - risks of radio-activity - risks of terrorists. And lets face it - the public is less supportive - less aware of what to do in an emergency - its someone else's problem after all - ain't it - and more yobs making - more malicious calls.

The government by making Britain the prime terrorist target - who's going to bomb the US - when you can hit us - and we're not going be able to hit back - like the States - let's face it we can't - we don't have the resources - and George Bush - OK - he will express concern - sorry - but will use the attack as an excuse for his other plans - like attacking Iraq - and controlling their oil - and winning his re-election - and showing he's better than dad - but what he won't do - he won't risk American lives to avenge British deaths.

So why is the government fighting the fire brigade at a time like this - when the risks of a major attack are high - very high.

I believe its partially a cock up. I believe there was a lack of understanding of firemen. I believe the Treasury is playing a game. I believe the firemen were seen as a group easily beatable - to teach the rest of the public sector - not to mess with the big boys. I believe it is Gordon Brown setting up friend Tony - so that he will take damage hits - and Gordon can work towards the goal of - becoming Prime Minister. I believe that the government think they can spin - and spin - and spin - and win.

The agreed 16% pay offer - linked to some cost saving was blocked in July - this is the only reason the strike is on.

Now the game seems to be to hit the brigade hard. To win a battle with the union. To show who is boss. To force a severe reduction in manpower. This plan needs to be costed. Not only in money terms but ...

... how many firemen's lives, lost, are acceptable for the cost savings?

......................how many public lives, lost, are acceptable for the cost savings?

... the bell on the bus ...

... no longer goes ding a ling a ling.

It sort of just goes clunk and a remote sign lights up.

The people on the bus looked so unhappy and almost scared. Don't hit me. Don't punch me and please don't - whatever you do - talk to me.

The bus got me into town too early. So I ended up going to a coffee bar - and read the Daily Mail - which is all very depressing news - fire strike - economy collapsing - house prices collapse - and even celebrity big brother - Anne Diamond depressed. Still there was an excuse to print a picture of Melinda Messenger wearing very little - as it was an essential part of the story - well we wouldn't want to put anything in gratuitous - would we? - we're a serious newspaper.

So having arrived half and hour early - I actually ended up arriving twenty minutes late.

... lancashire otpotss ...

I was of the generation that 'gay outing' meant a lively picnic, with a strong possibility of bread being thrown around.

The government has now come up with the term otpotss which stands for "orientation towards people of the same sex" to replace the term 'homosexual' in government anti-discrimination legislation. Apparently homosexual is too clinical a term.

So 'straights', 'hetros' or whatever are they going to be called otpotos - "orientation towards people of the opposite sex". Bisexuals - 'otpotsaoos' - "orientation towards people of the same and or opposite sex" or by the simpler term 'aoias' - "any orifice in a storm" - now there's a word I'd like for Scrabble.

Andrew Brown's Guardian article Sense and Sexuality tell us that practicing otpotsss - working on the theory that practice make perfect - now use the term mo - replacing the over used gay - with the term mo.

So a flash gay guy is now called 'fly mo' or a very camp person can be called "so mo they went to mo a meadow".

And as a caller to the Wright Stuff, Channel Five, asked - What is going to happen in Manchester - with "Lancashire 'Otpotss" - I suppose it would make a good name for a club down Canal Street - then again ...

I feel the homosexual community has suffered enough - without this stupid set of initials. After all look how otpotos dress - otpotos? - 'ot potatoes more like it.

... I'm not sure I can stomach this ...

One of the prize winners in this year's Ig® Nobel Awards has done in depth research and found, to my amazement that you're more likely to have 'Belly Button Lint' if you're male, older and hairy.

Link Belly Button Lint Survey Homepage

The Ig® Nobel Prizes are given out to academics that 'done things that first make people LAUGH, then make them THINK. It is held at Harvard University each year.

... at the job club ...

I've joined a government sponsored 'job club' which is supposed to help me get a job. The training is OK, but not dynamic. Still it is helping in that it forces me to look at my strategy objectively. I have had to junk most of most qualifications and minimise my experience and conceal my age.

Anyway yesterday we merged groups with a compulsory 18 -24 New Deal group. In a week four out of the original six had not turned up. The two that did were a seven month pregnant girl, who did not want to get a job and would be unlikely to get one and a 'Nike boy', one of those that wears a white Nike hat.

Through the lesson Nike boy plugged in his sound system and apart from making annoying stupid remarks like interrupting the lecturer in mid flow to ask him his age. Nike boy ended the class by announcing that he would be off 'sick' the next day. The pregnant girl just groaned, holding her stomach. She was suffering from bad back ache and was looking forward to be signed off in about two weeks time, when she did not have to sign on. How she was sent on this course defies common sense - but I suppose somewhere it will hit some government target.

... they don't all climb thro windows ...

Some work for insurance companies

My car was stolen. I have had the interview where the nice girl was throwing out rope to allow me to trip myself up - maybe I didn't have all the keys to the car - maybe I was letting letting strange people use the car - maybe I left the car unlocked - maybe with a sign on it saying 'steal this.'

I then sent off every bit of paper I possessed with the car's registration - invoices I've paid - keys - road tax - not in the envelope provided - as that could get lost in the post - and then they wouldn't have to pay out - oh no.

Then I talk to the engineer - posh name for a man with a computer and the internet on his desk - yes he admitted that having the car from new - meant it was more valuable to me than a second hand car - being seven years old meant that it was impossible to find an equivalent value - particualy as it had low mileage - only one owner - high spec - and was diesel - well there wasn't a lot of them sold in the UK. So I am being generous - he said - and the money will buy me a car - from an independent dealer - which the engineer admits are likely be less reliable - with more miles - and yes they are more likely to rip me off - yes - particularly when I'm not used to wheeling and dealing.

So the nice honest person - who has only made one claim in about 30 years of motoring - except for the crash where some drunk - wrote my other car off - but was keen to admit responsibility - well it saved hassling the police - and anyway the red light was artistically pleasing for him.

So am not a happy sole. Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

... so I said to the pub landlord ...

Al Murray

... well still feeling fragile I saw Al Murray at Richmond Theatre. It was an amazing performance as it was just himself on stage. He was very clever in picking on members of the audience and from their names or jobs building up whole routines. He kept back to his targets throughout his act. His act is based on the twisted logic people have after having downed quite a few and being over patriotic. For example he was annoyed at Brighton for building the pier - as it made England closer to France.

So there was this guy called Max, who - to his surprise - ended up being told he was a World War Two Spitfire pilot - or that he wanted to be a pilot but the RAF wouldn't have him - later on he got blamed for being one of the few in the 'Battle of Britain' - as the rest of his pals were off hunting foxes - so they should have been the many - and the war would have been over quicker.

Because of his name - Roland - a pub manager got stereotyped - first as running a wine bar and not a pub - and then he kept on making gay references to him - such as working his way through the front row he saying man, man, woman, man, woman, woman and - er - Roland.

Another clever part of Al Murray's act is description of different people, by sounds, rather than words, such as one Scottish accent being like having your private parts rubbed by a shammy, or another high pitched creak of a door, or how the scouser's accent was used in the war to destroy German communications.

He was also very topical saying that as we were now friends with the Germans that Iraq had agreed to take over the role - he praised them for their attention to detail by having a dictator with a moustache. There was also a couple of fairly drunk firemen in the front row and he kept giving them digs - such as they should get the 40% pay increase - but they should have to deal with 40% more fires.

I was very impressed that he controlled the audience for at least two hours. He interacted well with individuals and was very topical in his material. He has also completely rewritten his act of two years ago.

... so we had the party ...

... people came lots. People mixed - which was good and I got erm - very - erm

I started off well - drinking sensibly - but there was booze in the kitchen and - well - as host - why don't I get you a drink - and one for me at the same time - by the time I realised it was too late to stop - it was too late too stop.

I hugged quite a few people - including the entire membership of a punk/rock band - friends of my daughter - swore a blood oath to harm anyone who made rude remarks about the little red car of another friend of my daughter's - ended up in bed - the homing instinct seems to works - with shirt, pants and one sock on - how I got there I don't know.

Why do I do this? I seem to need to get myself really wrecked about once a year - probably the Celtic side of me taking over - and winter - and things. Sunday very quiet - Shhhshhh!!!!!

System indicators still report malfunctions even two days later - the result of being old I think.

... nostalgia ain't what it used to be ...

Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo

You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".

You really, really wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It".



You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space.

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.

You had one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat (Global Hypercolour).

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.

You remember Madonna in her cone stage outfit.

You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."

You wore fluorescent-neon clothing... (if you can call it clothing!)

You could break dance (ok, you wished you could)

You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game System.

You remember M.C. Hammer.

You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" ....

You can remember when it was Jazzy Jeff and The fresh Prince and NOT just plain Will Smith!

You own any cassettes.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ALF or ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered on why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

My Little Pony, Gummy Bears and Transformers are familiar to you.

You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"



Big wheels and BMX's were the way to go.

With your pink (or blue) portable tape player, you sang to Kylie and Jason!

You owned Polly Pocket or Micro Machines.

You made Ken fall in love with Barbie.

Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

You knew that Transformers were "more than meets the eye".

You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.

You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.

You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.

Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite programme.

You said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice.

Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in your wardrobe or make-up collection.

You did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero.

Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings were like a shield of steel.

You still remember when the A-ha video was the pinnacle of modern technology and you can still sing all the words.

Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt.

You remember watching a program about a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of da Capri so it looked like KITT.

You had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.

You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word "Exterminate!".

Girls - You owned a pair of Pixie boots, generally worn with leg warmers.

Boys - You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white towelling socks.

You held a chicken in the air or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You wore legwarmers & tried to do the splits while jumping in the air while singing you were going to live forever.

Your best mate had a Soda Stream at home and you were jealous.

When 'Computer' Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled



You remember hearing the tune then running out to buy an ice cream cone on a warm summer night - 99's, screwballs or a cider lolly.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

How old were you in the eighties?

... we're having a party ...

... by tonight we hope we are not ...

as bad as this one

... the ultimate guarantee ...

I've just bought a new loo brush - my don't I live on the edge.

The guarantee said

Works continuously

for the life of

the product

No definition of how long life is. They've obviously got a good lawyer.

... amaze your friends ...

... and influence people. This will keep you entertained for a couple of minutes - it really works - best to have a calculator to hand though. This also looks like you are doing real work - and may result in the boss promoting you.

follow the instruction one by one.

Don't cheat by looking at the next section.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 9).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll just wait while you get the calculator..........

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752 .... If you haven't, add 1751

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.... see below

... and the result is ...

You should have a three digit number....

The first digit of this was your original number
(ie how many times you want to eat out each week.)

The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE!

So stop telling lies

Notes This is the only year (2002) it will work. Impressive isn't it.

(sent to the inbox)

... lousy lexus ...

Can someone explain why the moron in the lexus thinks its funny to accelerate his car half a block and then threaten to run me over. I suppose it was amusing. Oh I reget not scratching his car with my keys.

... so she said ...

... what about foreplay?

So I said - Look lady - how can you talk about golf at a time like this.


Arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!


... she said

and I limped home.

... don't get cut up about ...

Professor Gunther von Hagens, who has performed a public autopsy in front of over 500 paying spectators. It is also being filmed for the UK Channel Four and will be shown on a cable TV station near you soon folks. The professor's intention was to educate the public.

The Odtaa Files thinks the lesson learnt is that it is easy to make money from a gullible public

... no need to boast ...

Bookshop in Kington upon Thames Shopping Centre.

... a sign in our local park says ...

Please

drive slowly

Deer

I have lost the nerve to write

Thank you

for caring

sweetheart

... iraqk wil be bombbed ...

US bombs obviously prepared for Iraq. Hope the writer can read the instruction manual and someone else is reading the map.

... something uplifting ...

Sales of Viagra have saved numerous stags, rhino and bull seals from execution for their antlers, horns and er their masculine bits - used in the making of medicines to uplift a sagging mankind. Viagra's quick action effect - so they say - means that many of these older remedies are now not needed. This reputedly puts smiles not only on womankind but ...

... a doe - a deer - many female deers - Mrs Rhinoese and - if they can tell the difference - Ms She Seal.

... not so uplifting ...

I went to a meeting. Pressed the button for the lift (elevator) and waited
- and waited
- and waited
- and waited.

So I walked up the stairs - ok so I need to got to the gym - huff - puff.

On the second floor is a notice Lift out of Order

On the third floor is a notice Lift out of Order

On the fourth floor is a notice Lift out of Order

etc

etc

etc

Pant - wheeze - huff - puff - must sit down for a rest.

There was only floor that needed a notice. So why couldn't they have told me on the first floor?

... benefits of sex!!!!!!!!!!! ...

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?



Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

---

from the mailbox of the Odtaa files - ignore the chain message below - we just kept it in as its silly - and anyway all the threats have already happened - where's my magnifying glass?

---

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times.

Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.

This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

... after newton got hit by the apple ...

... he thought

When this apple was released from a tree
It fell in a downward direction
The speed of the fall increased
until it hit me on my head
giving me a severe blow
by a force known as momentum

This leads me to the conclusion
that I should set up a business called Claims Direct

... my mother in law asks ...

... the person who stole my car to please - take the recycling stuff she gave me - and is in the boot (trunk) of the car you stole - to the recycling centre.

I have alternative ideas on what you could do with your spare time. Would you like to take part in a TV reality show? I am looking for contestants - ie you - for a programme based on the Spanish Inquisition - 'Costas de Sadio'.

... the local bra shop...

... has been closed for over three months now.

I suggested it had gone bust.



My wife was not amused.

... hi pablo I am afraid ...

... I find your girlfriend rather strange.

... reach for the sky ...

senate house, london

... it was a little wet on tuesday ...

fountain, tavistock square, london

... seen in tavistock square, london, tuesday ...

... its still a hard life ...

kafka working on her next play

... my liberal values ...

I have not lost my liberal values after having my car stolen - I am now researching a humane way of suspending someone from a tree by their testicles.

... ugly scene in chip shop ...

I went into the chip shop around six in the evening for my regular friday night fish and chips. Small queue - lots of fish in the cabinet - so should be quick service. There was a woman at the front of the queue, who is being extremely slow counting coins out on the counter - she seems to be having problems - so the Hong Kong Chinese counter assistant talks to the woman next in line "That will be six pound fifteen."

The woman hands over a note.

The woman with the coins, stops, she looks up, stares, picks up her purse and then slams it down hard onto the counter.

"Don't you fucking push in." she screamed and turned very aggressively. The woman she is shouting act cowers back.

"You're fucking serving me - don't serve anyone else." Shouts the woman at the counter assistant.

She then muttered to herself and started counting through the change painfully slowly.

She was a penny short.

An old chap in the queue moved forward and put a penny coin on the counter.

"There you are. That's the right money"

The woman stopped. She looked at him angrily.

"Don't you fucking touch me."

He was no where near her.

"Fuck off"

She then grabbed the vinegar bottle, upturned it - and then looked like she was going to smash it on the counter.

Everyone backed off.

The counter assistant picked up the coins and said "That's right"

She put the coins in the till and then started wrapping up two fish in paper.

"Don't fuck with me." screamed the woman. "I want them in a fucking box"

The assistant, very submissively, unwrapped the fish, put them in a container before putting them in a carrier bag.

The hostile woman snatched at the bag, yanking it out the assistant's hand.

She shouted. "Fuck off" - to no one in particular.

She turned and people quickly moved out of her way.

The incident really concerned me as this is not a normal situation that happens locally - in fact I have lived in quite a few dodgy areas and I have rarely such an unpleasant scene.

The other concern was that the woman was black. This woman is wrecking the image of black people in the area.

I felt angry as I had spent a lot of time as a lecturer, helping black and Asian students trying to get jobs - a lot of employers were reluctant to give my students a chance - often a fear of the unknown. But one incident like this will cause a lot of white people to be suspicious of black people. This incident will be related in the local pubs and social clubs before the weekend is out.

I stayed out of the incident. I was scared of getting involved. Thinking back this was the right thing to do. At a minimum I would have got a lot of verbal abuse - and I stood a great chance slapped - or slashed across the face by one of the many rings, she had on her fingers. Had it become a police matter I would have been defending myself from being a racist.

Another thing that concerned me was that I am pretty sure this woman was well aware that she was using her race to be abuse others.

On a good note - the fish and chips were excellent.

... as seen on TV ...

Last Tuesday I was part of the audience of the Wright Stuff on the UK Channel Five. I can now claim to be a star of day time television - except ...

... there was a group of very attractive girls about 3 places down the row - and for some reason the producer - or the camera man wanted shots of them - instead of my rugged good looks - so after lookiing through the video tape - many times - you get a few distance shots of me - oh dear - my hair is going - and one of me laughing. I'm not going to get my Equity card at this rate.

I turned up at the studio at around 8:45 - on a very wet day - with shoes that were fashionable - but not waterproof. We sat around - or stood around - until Matt - the man with the Mike and Beth - the lady in the booth - took us through to the reception area - where we feasted on croissants and coffee.

The group was surprisingly inhibited. There was a group who were obviously regulars - who chatted - a couple of guys - one with a photo album - of famous people he had stood near - and a few coupls and individuals. Matt tried to get people talking about the topics - why men get all the top jobs - discussions about the Church of England's decision to allow divorced people to marry - but without much success. He was trying to target people to interview on air - but most were clearly there only to be audience.

Beth in the mean time was getting us to fill in the waiver form - ie the production now has worldwide distribution rights - to my two second shot of laughter - and shots - and here I may sue - of my lack of hair.

We were then led into the show. The first thing that surprised me was the smallness of the studio. Teh gap between the panel and the audience is very narrow. The second thing was that the seating area for the audinece was also smaller than it looks on TV. Clever these cameramen chappies. There were slightly more audience than usual and so it got rather friendly - it reminded me of sitting in the school hall on benches.

There were two cameras to the left focusing on the guest panalists another camera focusing on Mathew Wright, which shot through an auto cue , which gave running order, some script and names of guests. In addition there was a cameraman who worked with the audience - which meant sticking his camera in my face - but aiming at the girls near by - swine.

In each break Matt - with his mike - was identifying a potential audience member to talk - as backup - in case - or as an alternative - to the callers - phoning in. In one break we got a sticky bun - as it was national eat stodgy food - or something like that - week.

I was particularly impressed by Beth - as it was clear she was suffereing from - a cold - or sore throat - and yet was able to be friendly - to us as guests - and when on screen.

All in all I was impressed by the team and the way they coped with changes in the format as the programme went on. An interesting experience.

... you will dress well ...

When entering central London posher areas, such as Mayfair and Bloomsbury, visitors are reminded that there is a strict dress code - you must look smart - you must wear fashionable - with the new ' Look Right' campaign.

Areas for this campign are marked out by the Look Right' markings on the pavement. Entering these zones in non-fashionalbe clothes can result in your your having to do community service as a sales assistant in Littlewoods department store or compulsary attendence of the Gap Nike '12 step' WAP, Wearers Anonymous Program.

... take a hop and jump ...

Weird, but interesting site on the subject of frog animations and images . If you are into the unusual this is worth a visit.

... famous British saying ...

Ne 're cast a clout (clothes or ...)

in a biker's bar.

... please give me advice ...

In the UK ATM machines - or to give them their technical title - magic hole in the wall that gives you money - there is always an option - money with advice But ...

... I have never had on any of the printouts - spend this money prudently or spend half on wine, women and song and then squander the rest or buy shares in Pyrites Gold Mining Company or 'Under Footman' will be beaten by 'Valet' in the 3:30 at Buckingham so place your bets.

No - there is no advice - good or bad.

So why do they tell me I am going to get some?

... tony advises on terrorist threat ...

Don't Panic

Don't Panic

Don't Panic



Buy the mask - really scare people

... I bet there's a latin name for it ...

I have a weird phobia.



I get paranoid about electrically controlled windows in cars. At the back of my mind is what would happen if the windows were down and a lion jumped on the bonnet - and I panicked - and stalled the car - and the lion ate me - because I can't wind the windows up.

... and to think when I was in South Africa the only wild animals I saw in the game park were giraffes and a hippo - well and monkeys - and tourists - and a man on a bike with a shotgun.

Giraffes are interesting. Although they are big and stand in clearing - you often don't see them until close to. It is usually safe to leave the windows down when they are around - as down low is difficult for them. Smuggling one through customs was quite hard - we hid it in a clump of trees.

OK electric windows My wife's car has one million and one controls. NASA eat your heart out - so when I've driven this huge thing the size of a bus - through traffic - and then I am lining up to get into the car park - you know the type - where you have to get a ticket. Well this involves winding down the window. So I am in the queue - and for once I am the person at the front - holding the rest of the queue up - when it occurred to me that I have to put my hand through the window to pick up...

... the ticket being printed and pushed out in a tantalising way by the ticket machine.

Desperate search for non-existent wind down handle. Don't find it.

Panic.

Discover that attempting to put hand through window - which has not been open - is - well - very painful.

Desperate press of buttons.

Alarms man who hooted as lights flash - wipers wipe - squirty things squirt - air blasters blast - and radio changes. Man looks away - what me press hooter - me no want to be killed by mad person. Man takes interest in the concrete of car park - a good example of neo classical National Car Park architecture I have ever seen.

Eventually find right - press - window hums - does not open.

Press button - other way - window opens a quarter of an inch.

Stab at button - window jerks down a little. Repeat - a little further down - learn the fundamental law of opening electrically controlled window keep your finger pressed down on button. Window opens.

Then I regret not doing more in maths - particularly Pythagoras - car at an angle to ticket machine - trapped in by driver behind - who is pretending I am invisible - I can't reach the ticket - lean over - still can't - get cramps - look back at following driver for moral support - he cowers.

Tried to open door - this is blocked by big concrete thing - to stop motorists crashing into parking ticket machine - open it a little - siddle out - one foot on ground - push body through window - stretch - get ticket - place in mouth - smile at man behind and the six or seven other cars behind.


stay within line markings

Get into seat - start car - go through barrier - go to top floor - this car is brilliant as every time you turn to go up the ramps at 8 miles an hour the tyres squeal - Starsky and Hutch - I'm with you man. Its always easy to park on the roof. Walk around - admire downtown Twickenham.

A woman appears from nowhere and gets into lift. As I get in I look the way she came - no entrance - no exit - just wall.

Ghost? - mad woman - not sure - feel tense - breathe in - cigarette smoke - solution found.

Had an entertaining time talking to the police - had a nicer time eating a bacon butty and chat with cafe manger.

"The bacon smells nice"

"Yes it does."

"Brown or white bread?"

"Brown, please, and can I have a large cappuccino."

Such is the fast repartee that is Pau Odtaa.

Leaving was quite uneventful except ...

... for the fact I forgot which car park I was in - so...

... I went down the up ramp - tires screaming - I must have hit 9 mph on the turn - people turned to watch me - admiring my techniques I thought - until ...

... I saw the down ramp.

Only went for the non-existent handle before I would the window down -and was able to hand over my money properly - except for the small coins that had fallen behind the dash board.

Arrived home safely.

... said the Queen to the butler ...

Paul Burrell, Paul Burell, Paul Burrel joke

"You have been erect for nearly three hours" said the Queen to the butler.

"I'm sorry ma-am I always stand this way."

Worryingly this is the best Paul Burrell joke I have found. Well to be honest I couldn't find any - so I sort of made it up Sorry

... odtaa rules ...

Today is definitely an Odtaa day - One damn Thing After Another.



First I am phoned up early in the morning. A distant relative has died. She was quite ill so it was not unexpected. Still it was a shock and I sort of ended up having to co-ordinate the funeral.

Second the container we store waste paper in to give to the recycling people was stolen.

People kept phoning me up so I kept getting distracted from my work.

I also applied for a job I don't want - but jobs I do want - won't interview me.

Then my mother called and we were having a nice time until I got the lecture about eating fish and chips - well not eating it. We had to discuss the queen and how badly she's being treated - agreed five or six times that Charles should stand down - agreed that Diana was badly treated - I managed to avoid making my comments about what I thought of the servants - agreed - well I bit my tongue - that 'the Express' was a better paper than 'the Mail' - which mad aunty reads - and mad aunty has not sold her house but we all knew that - nice lady has sold her apartment though - which means I will have to chat up old ladies to find someone else to keep an eye on mum.

Then tried to sort out work - daughter rings she may be coming over.

Then I need to video Neighbours - which is depressing - as Drew's dead - and Steph will never run off with him and upset Libby - who is admittedly quite upset at the moment.

The I hear that the Queen's speech is going to be tough on crime - laugh as I think the thief who stole container will end up in prison - see on TV they are going to give prisoners hardcore pornography - maybe bid for the contract - should they have the porn? - well it must be better than them having to talk to Jeffrey Archer - so I sort of agree with it.

Don't do more work - distraction - cat wants to sit on me - the first time in about 6 months.

As soon as she's settled - the phone rings - she gives me that look.

Watch the Bill - which is getting slightly better - but every 10 minutes the phone rings. Miss all explanations of the big punch up at the end - but it seems a good thing - but the new boss did release - guy with machete - plus the 1K of dope - but everyone smiled at the end - so is he a good un - or not?



Offer to drive my daughter to the Peel - music venue? - well Radio 2 listeners said the old stuff is best - but I getting into some of these new bands - I think some are OK - why just the poother day I was listening to a Queen CD - and I feel they may go somewhere - some day.

Only ...

... well ... my car - it anin't - it ain't there. Its been nicked or I'm going mad. (blobble, blobble blobble)

Walk round the block - of course its raining - and no - it is still not there - recount what I was doing - and yes I remember where I put it. Definitely not there. I am now top of Tony Blair's list of important people - a victim of crime.

Victim of Crime rings up police - oh for something like this I have to go in person to a police station - but - they closed our one down - or to put it another way - it was closed except between 10 and three - forcing criminals to work very short hours - but then although it was open - the guy at the desk said he was not allowed to take any messages and I had to ring Twickenham Police Station - but that was a long time ago - and our police station is definitely closed after dark.

So I ring up Twickenham - and they said they can't deal it over the phone - I have to come into either Richmond or Twickenham - and its raining - I would go in my car - but - its been stolen - so I asked if it was alright if I came in tomorrow - and they said fine - and then they said they check their computer - and no mine wasn't on the system - and - phew - it had not been towed away for disposal - as this area is a dumping ground for old cars - probably by car thieves - as my car - a Citroen diesel AX is hardly the first choice of boy racers - or second - or even fifth.

So my daughter doesn't get to see Paul, play a gig at the Peel.

She has a coffee and then decides to go back to college.

While we drink I suddenly notice there's a programme about shop lifters and violent criminals gangs - real ones - smile you're on CCTV - with a bad case of pixelisation - if you are a victim please act in dramtic or amusing manner - sign waver here - fame at last. This programme gets me paranoid - so do lots of things - and I offer to drive my daughter into London.




This means moving the car of a friend of my wife. This does not go well - the four sets of car keys I have found do not work - today I learnt something - that car keys marked 'Rover' do not open cars with a 'Vauxhall' logo. I find this out in the rain - and of course - I decided not to put on my coat - because it don't take much time to open a car - unless you are using a Rover key on a Vauxhall.

Head wet I search - and find another car key.

It works - I get in start car and then put it into reverse - however looking backwards and pressing the accelerator gently - I get the impression of the road getting further away - and of my wife's car getting nearer. Stop.

Look at gear stick - without glasses - and see there is another possible reverse - put car into fifth gear - one kangaroo jump and stall.

Get out - get wet - get glasses - trip over cat - leave house - get wet - get wet - get into car - check gear stick - attempt one was right - so I move the gear stick - it appears to be in gear - slowly apply the accelerator - brake violently - we - the car and me are going forward.

Try brute force. No. Try being gentle. No. Try amusing suggestion of the parentage of the gear stick, car, designer and Henry Ford - I know he hasn't to do with Vauxhall - but it seemed appropriate at the time. No.

When I was about to wrench the gear stick off - I found this ring thing - which I thought were only found in Ann Summer's Catalogues - which moved - and suddenly I could place the gear stick in a new position - a similar result to the Ann Summer's Catalogue - and the car moved backwards.

Remember to look backwards - stopped to check for traffic - and although not off the drive - the traffic stopped for me. I then had to maneuver a car I don't know - which felt the size of a battleship - like an aircraft carrier - with a dodgy gear shift - I backed gently into the road - did a perfect three point park - reverse over the kerb on the opposite pavement - move gently forward until falls back on the road - straighten. Traffic looked at me - then fearing a mad person - avoided my wave - and went on. Then a mere five minutes to try and work how I'd managed to switch the headlights on - lock car - cross road - get wet.

With four sets of keys it was relatively easy top open my wife's car. Talked to my daughter - got her stuff in - got her out of the rain - searched for the place you put the ignition key - turned - the anti--theft started working - lights flashed - horns hooted - turn off - curtains in nearby houses flutter - smile sheepishly - but there again - do sheep smile?

Turned the key again - Lights - Sound - Action - Panic.

Daughter says she feels safer going by late night train.

So I insist - lock car - unlock car - Turn - Lights - Sound -Action - Argghhhh!!!

Try again with door shut -- brm. brm. it works .




Off we go - window screen misted - rain on outside - try to work out control panel - charged up the phaser bank - discharged the laser shields and suddenly there was warmth - lots of it - directed at me - not the screen - so daughter sorted it for me. I found the demister and away we went.

I am terrified to drive my wife's car - but probably not as much as she is when I drive it. I nearly had a crash as they changed the layout of the road - well I mean - fancy putting a roundabout in a road - particualrly when I thought I had the right of way - then got lost near Euston and found myself doing the taxi driver knowledge. I found parts of London - very wet.

Found my daughters' halls of residence eventually.

I knew my way around King's Cross - Its just like a roundabout I said - confidently I got around the side road - and five minutes later found myself in - a place I know quite well - its called lost. Ignoring road signs to areas of London where they used to dump bodies in the eighties - I eventually found myself on the Embankment - which would have been nice - if it wasn't for other cars - and so when the radio said - this is Westminster - I was right outside Parliament - blocked by a big limo - parking right outside the House.

Crawled along - saw a sign for Putney - followed it and off I went - crossing Barnes Common twice - honest officer I was not lurking - kept seeing signs for Hammersmith - which was wrong and after a few diversions - got to Kew - and so to home.