CSI My bathroom

The spider's dead.

My best friend gone. Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

incy wincy spider

Incy, wincy - well no - a bloody big one actually is living on the shelf in our toilet - well the room that contains the toilet. He's living in a large plastic container which we keep the dying cactus in - I forgot to take it out after decorating.

Well I was going to obliterate him when I first saw him - but it was late and I was tired and I was deperate for a pee. So I sorta left him alone.

I keep forgetting about him - until such times as I need to go for a pee and usually that is not the time i want to go hunting. Well not until I've washed my hands - by which time there is usually something fascinating to do - like drink tea - which sorta starts the cycle.

Anyway he's been there for two weeks and last night I was working to two in the morning - then went to the loo and I couldn't see him. But after looking for awhile i could see he was hiding from the light behind the dead catus plant.

So now we're sorta of friends - I couldn't bring myself to kill him and I'd kinda miss him when working late - when there's just me and spider awake.

And anyhow Spiderman was my mostest, bestest favourite American comic book hero.

waste the boss's time

Find Spam and other games - such as Guess the Dictator or the Dada Server on the www.smalltime.com site.

A good site to spend many happy hours.

CSI Sodom

Murder Report - Lot's Wife

DNA investigations show that a pile of salt found on the roadside close to Sodom City confirm that they are the remains of suspected murder victim Lot's Wife.

This murder seems to be associated with a break down in law and order within the city following the celebrations after the Annual Sodom Pride March. This regular event has in recent years attracted a lot of opposition - mostly from people from outside the city.

Lot was told to leave the city and to take his family with him - by a person, part of a gang known as 'The Angels', who all dress in an all white uniform. Lot was specifically warned to leave there and then and not look back.

There then appears to have been a mass attack on the celebrations, causing wide spread destruction, injury and deaths. The excuse for the attacks was that the celebrations were sinful.

Lot's wife looked back at the attacks and was immediately struck by a weapon of mass destruction which instantly turned her body into its component minerals. Lot, terrified, lead his two daughters to safety away from the area. He later reported the attack to the government security agency.

Investigations suggest that the Angel gang are lead by person known as Jehovah, among his many aliases. He is linked to many other acts of destruction and other acts contrary to state regulations.

We are unable to clarify whether the attacks were just sheer vandalism or were part of a more sinister motive, such as controlling crime syndicates within Sodom or possibly the celebration organisers failed to pay protection money.

We are also receiving reports that a similar attack has taken place on the nearby City of Gomorrah, which is very disturbing and as this appears to be a trend we are drafting in a large detachment of troops to improve safety in the province.

We also have grave concern of the weapon used in the attack. We have no experience of this weapon and need to trace it quickly. We are concerned that there appears to be an organisation importing illegal weapons into the region. I need hardly to remind you of the 'Jericho Incident' and the destruction of the city wall by another new form of weaponry.

We believe that the cause of Lot's wife death was that she was able to identify one or more perpetrators of the crime. This suggests that they are known to Lot and I suggest that he be questioned - though I do not suspect him of being involved.

To Be and to Have
Etre et Avoir
A simple film - well not really a film - a beautiful documentary.

This is a year in the life of a French teacher monsieur Lopez - who runs a one man - one room rural school - teaching both infants and juniors in the district of Puy-de-Dome.

There is some remarkable film as the children and teacher seem not to notice the camera crew. Lopez works by setting one group of students work - while he works with another group.

He has amazing patience as he gradually persuades the younger children to read or do maths. His approach to discipline is to be firm but to talk through problems in a gradual way - tackling two of the older boys who had had a fight or the mischievous JoJo - well there always has to be one like him in a class.

JoJo always in trouble - always the center of attention - immediately became star. As did Alize - a little girl - very laid back - fantastic when she worries because someone has taken one of her erasers.

The film also showed some of the life of the area - the farming and the life of some of the children - the boy who is a bit aggressive - actually works like an adult on his parents farm - at 11 driving a tractor and cooking meals for his sister. One of the most hilarious scenes in the film was when his family tried to help him with maths.

All is not perfect - one of the pupil's father has cancer. One of the girls - although a good student is very withdrawn and it is great how their teacher deals with these problems.

The film hit me as it reminded me how when I was lecturing in the early days we had the time and structure to spend more time dealing with problems - building confidence - building awareness of a student's potential. Which has now been destroyed by larger classes and a more prescriptive curriculum - so that you are more concerned with achieving dozens of petty little goals by virtual rote teaching - so that you don't time - you don't have the framework to develop students properly.

So the film was nice to see that someone still is in a position to be able to teach - as teachers should teach. It would be an idea for all politicians to see this film to get an idea of what teaching is really about.

Its an absolutely lovely film - please see it - and at my favourite cinema - Richmond Filmhouse.

On the way home I stopped for chips and cake on a very sunny Richmond Green.

When I got home younger daughter had robbed bottles of red wine and was entertaining her friends in the garden.

So a Good Night for all - but what about the kitchen?

bussing it again

If life is boring travel by bus. On the bus back from Richmond today - as my bus was pulling out - a Jaguar car tried to aggressively overtake and got upset that he had to pull back.

He then overtook the bus - going blind around the corner and then braked violently - stopping his car diagonally across the road. His electric window down and he started swearing at the driver.

The driver just yelled at him - get out the way - and there was a large cheer from the passengers. The Jaguar driver obviously heard it and his car suddenly sped off.

The atmosphere on the bus became almost party like.

We got talking to a guy who was travelling to Hampton Court to check out the restaurants to take his new girlfriend next week. He's too good for her

rules of the road

As I was walking down the pavement on a quiet sunny afternoon. I heard a shout.

'Who the hell do you think you are?'

'Get out of my fucking way.'

'Bikes have got priority over cars.'

'You bitch.'

'Move'

The cyclist then maneuvered round the car and road off extremely fast - narrowly missing me as he carried on his way - illegally riding down the pavement (sidewalk) at speed.

The poor driver was coming out of a driveway - very slowly - and if the idiot had not been travelling so fast there would have been no problem. He certainly had no concern about my safety.

Still life is too short. As is my hair - I had just had a haircut.

decisive - moi?

On the TV there was a program about being stressed. They started with the 'Stress Test'.



The first question was:

Do you have difficulty making decisions?

The answers were

1 - Never

2 - Occaisionally

3 - Frequently

4 - Always

and you know

I couldn't work out what to answer.

The new 'Human Relations Director' signs the death knell of more employees.

Hail Ceasar

Last night I went to my public speaking club - Toastmasters - where you are able to practice giving short speeches and learn how to speak off the cuff. It is also a good social group with a wide variety of people.

Well last night I gave what was my sixth speech - where the way I used words was the target. Rather than give a conventional speech I told the story of a Roman auxiliary - that's in the Roman Empire - that's in the first century AD.

I gave the story of one of the survivors of the Vasius defeat by the German tribes. Travelling - staggering - through the woods and a short brutal fight with a local tribe. Although outnumbered our side win as we had a group of slingers - those that use sling shot - a new weapon to the tribesman.

Interesting quite a few people in the audience did not get the reference when I used the Roman greeting 'Ave'. So when i was talking about Germanic tribes some assumed I was talking about one of the World Wars.

On the whole the performance went OK. Although I missed a great punch line - 'We entered the clearing a rabble and came out the a fighting unit.' But in a performance like that you are bound to miss something.

The other two speeches were good - one using gestures - had a discussion with two imaginary people - one always negative and one always positive - the other on Roosevelt's New Deal. Then there were the short one minute speeches - there was a great one on London being the most expensive capital city and a great one - should people who do stupid things - like row boats across the Pacific - be rescued - the answer was yes - but the fee should be negotiated - before they are picked up.

being spiritually aware

My daughter went to a government sponsored 'BiteSize' training taster. Apparently they are worried that adults are not taking enough educational courses. Nothing to do with the fact that they have starved the sector of money for the 30 years of course.

Anyway my daughter goes to the local college where normal high level of administration and support was employed - erm - making sure the Principal was getting his cup of tea with the right amount of biscuits and - er - making sure he wasn't bothered by all those nasty people invading his college.

So there's this long queue of people milling around hoping that the temporary admin assistant - who is fluent in four languages - but has only recently been doing intensive English - but - er - doesn't know her way around the college - as - its like her first day.

So people are worried and stressed.

'Where's such and such a class?'

"Where is such and such a room'

Which the poor girl tried to answer - but was unable due to lack of permanent staff helping or working on the desk. It was an appalling way for her to be treated.

The woman in front was getting agitated. She was looking around - looking at her watch - sighing loudly.

The queue moved forward very slowly - indeed.

'God!' exclaimed the woman in front - looked at her watch again.

Another person moves up to the counter. It is now getting close to the start of lesson.

Another big sigh.

Then the woman walks straight to the front of the queue.

'Where's the 'Spiritual Enlightenment Class'?' she demands.

The girl at the counter asks. 'Please - you're not next.'

'WHERE'S THE SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTMENT CLASS?' Shouts the woman.

'I'm sorry.' said the girl. 'I have people to...'

'WHERE'S THE FUCKING SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTMENT CLASS?' Screams the woman.

The man at the front of the queue said kindly. 'Oh answer her - it'll be quicker.'

The girl looked at her folder and told the woman the classroom number. 'Room 202 East.'

'WHERE'S THAT?' Demanded the woman.

Someone else from the queue called out. 'If you go through the double doors there that's the East block - the stairs are just through the doors.'

'THANK YOU' Said the woman threateningly and with a look of contempt at the receptionist stormed off.

As my daughter was also going to the 'Spiritual Enlightenment Class' she followed the woman but at a distance.

My daughter got to the class, sat down and waited.

The Instructor stood up, moved to a flip chart and uncovered the statement...

'Spiritual Enlightenment
is Learning How
to Release Your Spirt
to bring Harmony
to Yourself and Your Environment.'

The Instructor was the woman from the queue.

bloddy bankers - bloody government

I would like to open
an account - please
My daughter's boyfriend wants a bank account - as his new job insists that he is paid by cheque. He's been working there for about three months and has not had his wages paid because he has not got a bank account. These requirements are because the government is tightening up rules on casual employment.

So he's getting up at 4:30 so that he can start work at six - and frankly - he's knackered - which is why he was a bit slow in organising a bank account. But what he is looking for is solely a bank where he can pay his wages in and take his money - no credit needed - no cheque book - no overdraft.

For the past 8 years he used to work for an organisation that paid him in cash - legally - so that he paid tax and all. But he made the move to try and get a better job with some prospects and things like - holiday pay - pension - etc etc.

He has another problem in that the name on his passport is different to the name he went to school with - because - his mother remarried. This is also an area that is - not surprisingly - sensitive to him.

He is also living with my daughter and recently they moved to my house. Therefore most of his identity is linked to another name at another address.

I have been in this house for 14 years - worked as a lecturer - never had any trouble with the police - I am on the electoral role and pay my council taxes.

Now here is the rub -

to get a bank account you have to have two separate IDs - the first to prove who you are - and - the second to prove where you live.

So as boyfriend has moved around and is now living with me - and I am happy to vouch for him - it seemed it would be fairly easy to get an account.

But no.

Woolwich - who have my mortgage and main account will not accept a personal recommendation. Something to do with government regulations.

Lloyds who I have had an account with for over twenty years will accept a personal recommendation - but - not from me - as the account has a low turnover - due to the fact Lloyds do not offer the same type of mortgage that I want. Something to do with government regulations.

Building Society Saving Account - No - Something to do with government regulations.

Another branch of the Woolwich - helpful staff - but - No - Something to do with government regulations.

Registering with our doctor should be proof enough - except - the registering has now been privatised and he has to be seen by a nurse - and pee in a container - probably not in front of the nurse - and get his blood pressure tested - and this now takes weeks - Something to do with government regulations.

So it looks like we have to contact Gas, Electricity to get him as an addressee on one of their Bills - to prove that he lives at our address - and you know what they're like - incompetent - slow and likely to spell his name wrong.

He has also applied for a driving licence - even though he does not want to drive - using a cheque wrote out by us - but this will also take at least 3 weeks. Something to do with government inefficiency.

So the money waits in the employer's bank account while this jumping though hoops wastes his - my daughters - and my time and effort.

And yet on the government - Department of Works and Pensions - they tell us that there are 'Basic' bank accounts - with no credit facilities - which can be easily opened by people like him.

Ironically if he had not been honest and fiddled social security he would have been OK.

So his back wages are not available for at least another 2 to 3 weeks - which is - Something to do with government regulations.


Thank You

insider training.

I taught an adult education class tonight. There were four guys who obviously knew each other and a Spanish girl - large class. The guys were all jokey as if they all belonged to the same firm - but the mix wasn't right - they were different ages. I enjoyed the class and they were eager to learn.

I got them going and towards the end of the class one of them asked about other courses. They were interested in learning about the internet and then one asked about using mobile phones - I thought he was joking.

Then I found out that they were all on a prison release course and genuinely had never used a phone. Anyway I am now trying to work with them and tomorrow I'll be contacting their education officer.

smell the tobacconist

I went into a tobacconist shop today to buy some vanilla flavour herbal tobacco for a friend. I have not been in an old tobacconist shop for many, many years. There are amazing smells from peach, rose and other flavoured tobaccos. Then there are the pipe tobaccos and cigars.

Then you look around and there the cigar boxes from exotic places, a massive selection of cigars, and the pipe display. It was amazing and then there was the display of roll up papers.

Then there was the exotic Belgium chocolates and the very friendly assistant. And he weighs the tobacco with an old fashioned brass scale with brass weights.

I wondered why it affected me so and then I remembered - when I was a kid - we had survived the fifties and in the early sixties - we were recovering from rationing and scarcity. Tobacconists to us kids were full of smells from exotic places - with stories from the war and from travellers tales and from Hollywood - made these shops so exotic - so mysterious - in our imagination these were the places a secret foreign agent would come and go - and yes we heard about them making cigars - by rolling them on the thighs of scantily dressed women.

Its a pity I don't smoke - a pipe would be so cool - I could prod people with it when making a point - and with my gray beard - I would only need to put leather patches on my jacket to become a full professor.

Can we have Angus back?

Sorry but this is about the UK TV show - Have I Got News For You'

Why - oh why - did they sack Angus Deayton?

Bruce Forsyth was entertaining and would have made a good guest - but because they were playing around with his role as game show host - it lost the point that Paul Merton is the very funny one - with Ian Hislop occiasionally getting in a good aside - and guests either getting roasted - or bringing in the odd joke.

Angus Deayton was good at knowing when - and when not to allow Paul Merton to have his rants or go into his surreal mode.

One or tow of the presenters like one of Armstrong and Miller and Martin Clunes were OK - but only for a week.

Its almost like the production company and the BBC want to destroy the programme.

what a way to wait

So I am seeing the consultant at the local hospital. Unfortunately he uses the room of the skin disease specialist. So I am in the waiting room. On the wall are a whole load of posters, booklets and advice on how to identify and treat skin diseases.

Now I know we English tend not to sit next to each other - but in this place everyone was maximising their distance away from each other - and there was some careful wiping of chairs.

The consultant was quite good - the tests they've done so far - eliminate a lot of the things worrying me. However I've got to wait another 6 months for the next lot of tests. Ho hum.

Its more if you do it by yourself

So I was in this back ally near the river in Cambridge.

'How much?' I asked this young lady looking for business. 'I only want to know the price.'

She thought - 'For you it will be £10 - unless you want to do it by yourself - in which case it will be £12'

I thought.

'And it will cost £10 each for all the others involved.'

'Erm'

'OK - I'll give you a special deal £2 off each charge.'

'That's good.' I said. 'But...'

'Oh go on.' She said with a smile.

'No - its a bit too windy for a trip on a punt today - maybe tomorrow.'

danger lurks on every street

Sunny Suburbia. I am just walking down the road around 10 in the morning and right before my eyes is an act of unforgivable aggression. Three older people have just got off a bus and were walking slowly - two of them had sticks to the shops.

Another older person with a four wheel motorised - erm wheelchair - is shooting down the pavement - speeding . He overtakes me bangs one old lady and rams the stick of an old man. Then narrowly misses the third person.

Not a word of apology as he buzzes on carving up a woman pushing a - erm pushchair with a toddler on board.

We didn't have old people like this when I was a kid - well we did - but they persecuted we kids - not other older people.

India Company

There was a low key documentary on the Iraq War - about India Company - it showed the war from the infantry's point of view - that is the poor guys that have to go in on foot - when all the hi-tech fireworks have finished.

On three occasions they had to make an assault on what were known to armed positions. Fortunately as it turned out in each case the defenders have melted away just before the Americans advanced.

There was a lot of discussion among the troops. Some wanted to go into a fire fire at least once - just to to see if they would perform well under fire - I can sort of understand the reason - we've been trained - can I do it? Others were more pragmatic - its better not to get into a fight unless you have to do - as it almost certainly means some of your unit will be killed or injured.

Whatever - it takes a lot of courage to face what you think is an armed enemy - and a lot of training to get your troops doing it right - which they did. In a way where there may or may not be an enemy is possibly more frightening than have a specific target. It had an affect on the troops as they were keyed up to attack - and then meeting a serious anti-climax.

Mostly they just had to hang around - or search isolated settlements and tents for weapons. Then move on - averaging maybe 6 hours sleep a night. I got the impression the soldiers were well trained - well disciplined - and ranged in views from 'I am here because I am here' - to one or two who were very interested in the Iraqis. It was worrying that a number seemed to think the reason they were there was because of 9/11 - which most people now accept had nothing to with Iraq.

There was one sombre moment as the troops approached Baghdad - through an area where there had obviously been a severe fire fight and the reality of war hit - bodies were still lying on the ground - some who looked innocent bystanders - and the troops all went quiet.

For me it was good - they Americans reminded me of the Americans who I met when travelling around Europe in my twenties. I think the programme demonstrated that the American troops were very professional and not as 'gung ho' as portrayed in some of the media.

It also concerned me that it is clear that there was not sufficient troops for the job. It was luck - and the stupidity of the Iraqi leadership - that the Iraqi forces collapsed as they did. Had there been more resistance - particularly on the supply lines - then this documentary would have been more dramatic and some of India Company would have died - and some would be maimed for life.

I also blame the American leadership - particularly Donald Rumsfeld - for anticipating the problems after the collapse of Saddam's regime. American soldiers were only obeying orders. The looting - the disorder in Baghdad - was down to not giving the soldiers the proper orders - and not sending enough troops in the first place.

oops forgot to close in quotes

I was going to boast that I am a millionaire on BlogShares but when I went to check I find my portfolio dropped in value - how like real lfe.

I've also forgot to put the second set of quotation marks - which has messed up the last post.

Ho hum

I am now a millionaire

Wheeling and dealing on

jail spotting

Can I be the first on the net to predict that as train spotters get sent to jail - for writing down the numbers of trains and the number of wheels under the train - apparently this concerns those that - ruin - that was a mistype for 'run' - but I think I got it right first time - what we in Britain call the railways.

Apparently they are going to tell bin Laden - that the 8:12 to Paddington always leave at - erm - well some time between 8:10 and maybe the next day - but it may be cancelled due to defective investment - and poor management - and - er when I say poor - that's their level of skill - not their wage packet.

So these sad individuals will start measuring size of prison floor space - numbers of bars on the windows - type of soap in the showers - but don't - DON'T - too late - bend down to pick it up. In fact they will probably be some of the happiest prisoners in the jail.

should I be out by myself?

Going to the cinema - I managed to book my seats in row B - right at the very front instead of near the back. Moving around in the dark after the film had started - I managed to disturb a couple of women - yes officer - I should have worn my glasses when booking my seat.


Yesterday was Koffee on Khaki Day - at the cinema I managed to spill coffee three times on my trousers and twice on the steps. That's 2.5 spills per cup (spc) - and one set of trousers that need washing. I did it well got both knees and almost the crotch. I then managed to spill coffee on my other set of trousers at home - bring my Koffee Spilling Average down to 2 spcs.

I am thinking of approaching Gap, a detergent manufacturer and an instant coffee company and then we could have a 'Nation Koffee on Khaki Week'. Watch this space - I am on my way to riches beyond my wildest dreams.

economic migrants

This film follows the fortunes - probably the wrong word - of two Afghan refugees - Jamal, about 14, and his cousin Enayatullah as they make their way from the refugee camp on the borders of Pakistan through Iran, Turkey, Italy, Sangatte and eventually to England - well Jamal makes it -Enayatullah dies on the route.

The film directed by Michael Winterbottom and written by Tony Grisoni follows the actual route. So we see the dusty long roads - the crowding in the cities -the sleazy coffee bars - the border crossings - the border guards - the beauty of the Iran/Turkey border - Sangatte - hostility - friendliness - and comradeship.

There is a lot of good work - with mostly untrained actors - all the scenes look naturalistic - and are believable. This film really does make you despair - why do we not spend just a fraction of the money - we spend on war - on helping these refugees have a decent life?

This is a film I would strongly recommend.

The Terrorist

This is a very powerful film. Based in India - it tells the story of 19 year old Malli, played by Ayesha Dharkar, a hardened terrorist or freedom fighter as she travels and prepares to assinate a government official by blowing herself up.

As she travels you get flash backs of her life - the death of her father - the martyrdom of her brother - her encounter with a young boy wounded during an army attack on a guerilla base - an his subsequent violent death - and - we see her in action - killing soldiers in a fight - and with a machete. The film gives a strong insight into why a person would want to be a suicide bomber - and an insight into the life of a freedom fighter.

Malli travels to the area where she is to make her attack and is lodged with a kindly farmer, Vasu. His kindness and his situation make Malli start questioning whether she should continue with the attack - this would have been her first experience of normal life - since she was a child. There is another twist in the plot that I can't tell you as it would spoil the film. Needless to say the tension mounts as Malli rehearses the attack and struggles with her conscience - and the tension holds to the end of the film.

The direction is extremely good - the cast - mostly non-professional - very believable - and the locations - rivers, waterfalls and rural India are fantastic - its certainly an area I would love to visit.

Of course in reality a suicide bomber - would be kept away from the real world - to prevent doubts - and a little of Vasu's life is fanciful - his son long dead - and his wife in a coma. However these are minor quibbles.

Go and see the film its very good - it grips you - and helps you understand why people are terrorists.