nice walk

Had a great walk in the Woodland Gardens in Bushy Park - near Hampton Court Palace - about 6 in the evening. It was lovely - it was quiet with few people about - so the rabbits and squirrels came out. There is an amazing variety of flowering bushes - particularly reds and purples and on many of the paths white blossom. Sorry I forgot my camera - so I'm afraid I can't share this with you.

today is Saint George's Day

Unlike St Patrick's Day - nothing much happens - it should be a national holiday - we should all be drinking warm beer - and - being harassed by Morris Dancers - and - enjoying ourselves in a restrained - polite way - and then going on - to private tea parties with cakes and things.

Well locally - that's in Richmond borough - the British Legion (for Americans that's a Veteran's organisation) held a parade on the Sunday before - which should have been good - with a grant of £3,000 - from the local council. Which is good - except - the politicians can't keep out of it - some politically correct idiot said it was racist - as it was pro English - which is nonsense - or should have been nonsense - except the Mayor of Richmond - and Twickenham - and Whitton (same person - same job)- has to go charging in - first saying that it is a good thing to celebrate St George's Day - which is good - but then goes on ranting about Britain being the bed and breakfast capital of the world - and what have the Yardies and Kosovans (gangs?) done for us - not a lot - but they won't be coming to the parade - and they certainly don't want to celebrate with me - and the mayor. (I assume he meant by Kosovans - the East European people smuggling gangs)

So what the mayor has done - is turn - what should be a good day - celebrating all that is good about England - into making St George's Day - a day which is stigmitised as racist. Why oh why oh why can't politicians KEEP THEIR BIG MOUTHS SHUT.

So with all the good work done of promoting England - particularly in the World Cup - last year - where the Japanese have changed the word hooligan - from being a mindless English football thug - into meaning someone - someone English - who loves football - and - celebrates well - like it's alright for the Scots and the Irish to do at rugby - a characteristic to be admired - not feared.

I like being English - we have a lot of plus points - so why do these stupid idiots turn what should be a day of celebration - into something narrow and petty and nasty. Being English I have celebrated St Patrick's Day and Irishmen have wanted to celebrate with me - I have even been bought drinks by the Scots on Burns Night (Note politically correct police racial stereotyping) - so why can't we invite all and sundry to celebrate the best of Englishness.

excuse me saint george

(Whispered aside) Be careful he's armed.

Excuse me Sir

Yes constable

Could you explain to me what you're doing?

I've come here to save yon maiden from ye dragonne

Which - erm - maiden - would that be Sir.

Whye yon maiden chained to ye rock.

Ye rock - erm - that rock over there.

Whye yes.

Erm - excuse me Sir - are you aware that that is in the grounds of the Surrey Kinky and Sado Klub - and that there is a strong possibility that yon maiden - erm - that woman - is er - quite a happy - in that - erm - predicament.

Butt I am here to kill the dragonne.

Are you aware Sir - that - er - killing dragons is prohibited under the 'Protection of Mythical Species Act 2003'

Erm - no.

Are you also aware Sir that it is an offence to carry offensive weapons.

But I am a knight - these are the tools of my crafte.

So Sir - you are working?

Slaying dragons is parte of my destiny.

Then Sir I must arrest you.

Post Script
Saint George - freelance knight - from Turkey was arrested and deported as an economic migrant.

in the pan

A good example of ODTAA - One Damn thing After Another.

My toilet roll holder is broke - and I can't find my drill - or to be more truthful - I can't face the hassle of hunting through the garage - which has never been used for a car - but is full of junk - sorry - valuable books - stuff for the house - stuff that should have been recycled a century ago - and tools.

I went to have a pee - and being male - that meant standing up - lifting the seat - and - yes - I do put the seat down when I'm finished - though guys - if you are being nagged - don't lift the seat up in the first place - then the habit of leaving the seat up - is a less obnoxious habit than leaving the seat damp - but I digress.

I sneezed - proving quite conclusively that men can do two thing at one - in this case peeing and sneezing - and I was able to do this without mishap or missed direction.

Being on a roll - that is being skilled in multi-tasking - rather than anything else - I decided to impress myself - there being no one else in the bathroom - by continuing to pee one handed - a skill most men achieve by early middle age - and grabbing for a piece of toilet paper with my other hand - to blow my nose.

The toilet roll holder collapsed - the virtually brand new toilet roll fell - bounced on the waste bin - and bounced straight into the pan - and immediately started sinking. I was still peeing and this was wetting the dry top of the roll. There was nothing I could do until I had finished.

By now the roll was have submerged with eau d'toillette as the French say and the top of the roll sodden by splash back from my peeing.

Being squeamish - and a sensitive soul - I went and got an old set of barbecue tongs - and put said toilet roll - into three layers of carrier bag and then wrapped it up with the tongs in a large black rubbish sack.

This is all before my morning coffee. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)

DOH!

Please note tea can be as satisfying as beer

erm - sorry

Sorry

It was - erm - weapons of moss destruction - erm - not - erm - mass - as we - er - first thought. Arabic's a bit difficult you know. And - erm - Saddam did like his lawns looking good.

Secret Service 'Mother of All Cock-Ups' Translation Department

Yet another post has been wrecked by blogger - not only that - it appears yet again uncorrectabel. This could be close to the final straw - I'm looking at alternative blog technologies - sorry

happy bithday to me

As you get older birthdays get quieter. Had a French breakfast at a local restaurant. Then excitment in the day was to shopping - the local supermarket wouldn't let me have a coffee - as they were closed - due to technical difficulties. Tried to be clever is setting up joke

a man on a train

Just been to see the film - a man on a train - an interesting French film - about two men - one a gangster meeting up in a small town - to rob the local bank and the other - a retired school teacher - who was about to have a heart bypass operation. The film was really about how the teacher admired the life of the gangster - and the gangster - could see the benefit of living a quiet life.

The build up to the robbery is quite funny - as the driver is clearly not very bright. It is also interesting from the British point of view as one of the robbers is a failed artist - and he rants about different artists style in a gallery.

The teacher changes because of the relationship wanting a new hairstyle - like someone who has just come out of prison crossed with a footballers. He also persuades the gangster to let him try his hand at shooting a gun. The gangster also mellows - becomes a little politer and towards the end of the film starts enjoying the comforts of slippers and a pipe.

Can't tell you the ending because it will spoil it for you.

how do I get into porn?

Well what I really want to do is set up a joke porn web site to promote a dubious theme night at a nightclub in Edinburgh. Don't ask - the decision making process at 2 in the morning - is always a bit - erm suspect. Anyway we check the name out - and - yippee - the name is there - even the .com - so lets go for it - and - no - I'm not telling you the name until the domain is ours.

All went alright on the night - the transaction appeared to go through - but next morning - the new domain has been rejected - but it still appears on my control panel - and - my credit card has definately been charged. Sent email - reply said - contact techncial suppport. Does support want to be connected to me - no - not once - but three times it went horribly wrong - however I do suspect my BT line - is the Pentagon listening in again - are my neighbours using a ray gun on me - and where can you buy green ink.

Anyway I eventually get through - helpful person is polite with me - when I give the wrong account - then the old password and eventually I get the problem sorted. Ho hum

theft warning

On the car barrier going into a car park.

Please leave your valuables clearly visible - signed Rupert the car thief.

Far more effective than the normal warnings.

Incidentally what's happened to Poole - small town - next to Bournemouth - on the south coast of England. It was horrible - the quay was so quiet - the horrible cafes were mostly shut - they've halved the area of Poole Pottery and the pubs - all shut - cept for the one with all the people with tattoos.

Eventually went to Branksome Chime - right next to the sea - five miles down the coast - to a very posh tea room - I used to work there several centuries ago - when I was young - selling ice cream. Now tea is supplied in white china teapots - and - the service is more professional - than - but not as friendly - as when I was there.

got a new motor

I've finally got a new Ka - just that's right - its a Ford car - called Ka. This causes people problems - so - if I say - I've got a new Ka - people ask me - what type? So I now say I have a new Ford car - K A. So other people now think I have a Ford Kay Ay. Are well.

The car - Ka - goes well. I've called it the 'Tardis' after Doctor Who - larger on the inside - than it looks on the outside. Well my son - about 6 foot tall - was OK in the back. Its navy coloured - if you're interested - well to be honest - it will still be navy - even if you're not interested - so there.

service is improving

I had got increasingly paranoid - that's I'm more paranoid - than usual - and my BT broadband was getting worse than dialing up the net from my laptop. Yesterday was bad - nothing seemed to work. This morning all my sites were down - couldn't even access my hosting service - not even with cuteftp - which was a problem - as my account code - which I needed - to phone up the nice support service - is on the system - so - I've relearnt the need of backup - and documentation.

Anyway I finally found out that BT was upgrading their broadband - and it appears that my system is working properly - and in fact - its working faster than what it was - quite a lot faster in fact. So in fact I'll be starting up the Odtaa Files again.

oh you april fool

Oh am I embarrassed? By the Richard and Judy show on Channel 4 (UK) of all people. They did a brilliant spoof. They had this guy who had developed a gadget called the Babylon. It had two loudspeakers each with a button with the British and German flags. This gadget was able to receive speech in say English and if you then pressed the button - the words would not only be translated - but would come out in your own voice in the other language.

Oh on our drive home - all the way from Bournemouth - what a fantastic gadget - we reckoned they would sell it at about £250 - but that it would drop to around £30 over the next few years. Then using the technology - you could have phones - where you speak in one language and it appears that you are talking in another. And - why it would be easy to get it to translate into text for mobile phones - and on and on.

It wasn't until Southampton - it dawned - April 1st - we have been had - well and truly - well done Richard and Judy.

attention FISH VIRUS alert

Syndicat d' Nationale Kalorique - Avril 1, 2003


eip infected motherboard

URGENT FISH VIRUS ALERT

Syndicat d' Nationale Kalorique (S d'NK) the leading French Montpelier based research company developing the radical 'electronic induced perfumery' technology - eip - has announced that one of its ex-employees - technicians Pierre d'Estrangier - has incorporated its technology to provide a new form of PC virus - which the French have named the Virius de Poission - or 'Fish Virus' in English.

The Fish Virus is spread by mutating it with other viruses. Once in the PC it is difficult to detect by normal virus protection software. The easiest way to detect it is to switch on the computer - use it normally for about half an hour - and then to see if there is a smell of bad fish coming out of any of the ventilation slots.

French scientists are working on a solution to this problem - but are being hampered by lack of support from some American experts - because of the anti- French feeling at present.

TECHNICAL NOTE

eip works by controlling the heating of different electronic elements within an electronic system. S d'NK is developing systems to improve the atmosphere in air conditioned offices and public areas and is also working on developments such as the 'happy' and the 'romantic' mobile phones - which would effect the mood of the user and a 'productive' lap top computer - where the appropriate essence would make the user feel positive and confident.

eip stimulates the electronic system by using very fast pules mega and giga Hertz and conflicting those with very slow pulses unaHertz and decaHertz. This conflict causes specific elements to heat resulting in e-essence.

© 2003 the Odtaa Files

which is superblack?

A first for the Odtaa Files. Below are two black squares - 'Sample A' and 'Sample B'. One is a square filled with the normal internat colour black - the other uses a very clever programming algorithm to produce the ultimate 'Super Black' - which is the theoretical blackness of a black hole - and has been calculated recently by scientists at the National Physical Laboratory in west London.

Look at the two squares and you will see after a few minutes that one is definately blacker than the other. To check you have the right one - point your mouse to the top left hand corner of the square - press the left key down - and drag down - the writing underneath will display the correct square.

		April Fool
Sample A		Sample B