she is what she drinks

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her servant.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send you a drink.

Drink: White Wine
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: Red Wine
Personality: Sensual and intellectual;
Your Approach: Talk art - DH Lawrence

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Laddette - likes to hang with the rugby crowd - looking to get totally drunk…and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required — everyone knows what happens here.

he is what he drinks

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

Merlot: He's gay.

it's the way you sell them

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

— That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."

— That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

— That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

— That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

— That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.

— That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.

— That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all of these houses that you're passing. You climb onto the roof of one of the houses and shout, at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

— That's Spam.


from the in box

TB is a disease

Tony Blair's win in parliament - where around a third of all MPs voted against him - shows that the guy is more concerned with his personal links with America - than with the interests of Britain - the Labour Party - or the rule of law.

It is a sad fact that the French and Russians have to fight to prevent British and American troops plus tens of thousands of Iraqis being sent into a war - where some delay - to allow the weapon inspectors do their job properly - could completely neutralise Saddam's activities - and - could give time for regime change - or - for Saddam to negotiate a safe exit from the country.

The French and Russians are not ruling out force - but just wanting a bit more time - to allow for negotiation or compliance. This would then give us a period of around September - when Iraq is starting to get cooler - to launch attacks - if necessary - in better fighting conditions. It would also give the British military time to get their equipment up to standard.

That is - if we are to believe the politicians - and their moral cause. Of course we may be attacking because Iraq has oil - and the Americans want to steal this from the Iraqis - and steal the French and Russian investment in oil in Iraq - which amounts to billions. I wonder if that is a factor in their making this stance.

Whatever - Britain is not going to benefit - so why are we there? Because of Tony.

The only way we are going to halt our involvement is to get rid of Tony Blair.

TB is a liability to the country - he is costing us tens of millions which will benefit America - not the UK. We need to get rid of him. I urge the MPs - I urge the constituency parties - I urge the lords - get rid of TB - Get rid of TB.

TB is a disease

REMOVE HIM

licence plates for dogs

In Frankfurt they are planning to introduce a law making all dogs wear what is effectively a licence plate so that the public can report owners - well dogs - that are doing the business - without being scooped. The next thing they will be introducing is - 'On the Jobbie Fines'.

Linked to this i had always thought that castration would be the most effective way of stopping aggressive behaviour of dogs -such as pitballs. However I am informed that the European Court of Human Rights will not allow to harm the owners. Shame.

How many surrealist post modernists does it take to change a light bulb

Erm - I don't know

What did the girl with the big breasts say to the Post - modernist.

I don't know I wasn't there.

not more Post - modernism

There was an English Post-modernist, an Irish Post-modernist and a Scottish Post-modernist and they all went into a pub.

And they had a drink.

in the pub we discussed

Post -modernism - Sorry

Name a famous Post - modernist?

Foucault

Well be like that then

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The Post-modernists

The Post-modernists who?

Stop messing about and let us in.

How many post - modernists does it take to change a light bulb?

One

tougher than crack

The government talks a lot about addiction to crack cocaine and heroin - but I have never seen anyone write about - the addictive substances - known by their street name - 'Bassetts Liquorice Allsorts'. Pushed by a gang - headed by a master criminal Bertie - these innocent packages - of what look like - ordinary bag of sweets - are highly addictive - and once a bag is open - there is no stopping an 'Allsort' binge - until the bag is empty.

These substances are seen in many forms - such as 'coconut' yellows - white and brown 'slices' - blue nodules - and sometimes the 'little blue man'. Each one looking totally innocent. However once in the mouth - softly sucked - there is an urge to get the next one - and the next one - and the next one.

These 'Allsorts' are sold through a network of dealers - fronting what look like legitimate businesses - however for the addict they are easy to spot - and - there is a growing attempt to expand the number of addicts - by placing packets - near checkouts - and - special offers - such as the notorious 'two for one' offer.

Does the Priory have a special 'Allsort' dry out section - no! Does the Health Service provide any get off Bassett support schemes - No! Can my doctor write a prescription for 'Dolly Mixtures' to get me down gently - well - No! So I am a confirmed addict - and unlikely ever to get off.

can the government get anything right?

So someone came up with the idea of having a national police force. So the Chief Police Officers design a nice blue uniform. So we give the nice blue uniform to the police. And guess what? - well what? - tell me - it does not keep you warm. So different areas have gone back to their old uniforms - that did work in cold weather. So - if the traffic policeman is especially miserable - and seems to hate the world - you now know why.

about Iraq

There was a programme on TV - in the format of a trial - debating whether America was morally right to use the first strike against Iraq. About half the audience was flown in from St Louis. The final result was that 56% of the British audience felt that America was morally wrong to use first strike - ie attack Iraq - against 44% who felt that America had a case.

What surprised me was the shock of many of the Americans - that many of the speakers and many of the audience were not 100% behind Bush - or had an anti-American viewpoint.

In the first place why should Americans care what others think. Being English - I am aware of there being a lot of antagonism towards us - I've met this in Israel and I am aware that this anti - English feeling in America - by the Irish community - funding the IRA - who were trying to kill me - I do take bombs personally when they go off - where I might go - even though - ironically - I probably have stronger Irish roots than many of the Americans doing the funding. It is part of the problem of being number one - which Britain was - up to about the end of the Second World War.

One woman got angry that people didn't like America even though - America gives a lot of aid. What does she expect? - the West - and I include Europe - are shafting - most of the developing world - by blockades and by our corporations - and buy encouraging corruption. Most aid is tied to some sort of deal - which usually helps political sponsors.

Americans have to understand that if America attacks Iraq - and I don't see Bush stopping now - then America is going to be hated. The actions of what I call 'Imperial America' causes a lot of problems in the world - backing of dictators - corruption - trade barriers and sponsoring of people like bin Laden and Saddam - both of whom have received many millions of dollars in support.

The 'Axis of Evil' speech and the talk of a 'crusade' have caused instability in the region - for example in Iran - which voted for a moderate government - but is now having to be very careful in how it handles the religious leaders - it has caused the problems in North Korea - which was starting to negotiate with South Korea - but which looks like it will in reality - put nuclear weapons and missiles in the hands of some very unpleasant people - the speech has played into the hands of the fundamentalists in Egypt and Turkey - and could cause Saudi Arabia - to collapse into an even more fundamentalist area - with the problems of oil supply.

Unfortunately the price of being number one - is - not to be liked. Getting angry with people that don't like you - causes them to dislike you even more. Sadly America and Americans often tend to over react to the militiants - let them shout - let them rant - don't put on sanctions - just quietly trade in the background - consumer goods - improvements in health - and particularly music and films - will gradually build a middle class - and the hot heads would dies away - or more likey become the wheeler dealers - and be sending their kids to Harvard Business School.

Look at Cuba - if there were no sanctions - and just quiet trading - Fidel - would have gradually lost power - and Americans would be enjoying - legally - holidays and cigars - and Cubans would be enjoying a higher standard of living.

Finally I have to say the proposed war in Iraq is wrong. American and British planes were monitoring the country. Saddam was effectively neutralised - and although a total bastard - he couldn't risk another incident like his attack on Kuwait - as he knew what he would get. He won't supply weapons to Al Qaeda as he is even more frightened of the fundamentalists than we are. The war will kill tens of thousands of Iraqis through starvation and many more through bombing.

It will also kill many Americans - and British - and the war will not be as straightforward as Afghanistan - there will be urban warfare - and that will be costly in troops and the killing of innocent civilians.

not just a pretty face

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. Teh Captain slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Captain: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Captain: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Captain: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Captain: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Captain: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Captain: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

forgot to pay

OK sad bloke

to the sad bloke - who seems to be a student in Michigan - STOP SENDING VIRUSES - to me. You've wasted quite a bit of my time - big deal - and you've made me reorganise my system for receiving emails - thank you - you've helped me improve the system - I've now moved over to Eurdora - which is an improvement on Outlook - although the support is appalling.

If it continues I have no problem with contact the FBI - who seem rather keen on hitting people like yourself - and I gather you could see quite a lot of time in jail. You sex life might improve - but not in the way you'd probably want.

As I seem to annoy you - after you starting sending pretty vile abuse to a woman - this does suggest that you are sexually immature - and can I suggest washing - clean clothes - conversation topics that don't revolve around how brilliant you are sending viruses - and possibly some woman may eventually take you on.

poor person

So another chapter in the Carole Caplin/Cherie Blair saga. The ten day fly on the wall documentary - The Conman, His Lover and the Prime Minister's Wife - shown on BBC TV last night - made spectacular viewing - erm - compared to paint drying - or a 1970s Open University programme on higher maths being shown at three in the morning. I have the life style to know about theses things.

So we were 'energised' into watching poor Carole - reluctantly - allowing a film crew - erm - film her. She was devastated to hear that her friend - Lynn Alleway - then betrayed her - by showing said documentary on - erm - television - where it dragged up all the old rubbish - that was - er Cheriegate. Oh dear the poor woman - dragged into the media - this way - if only the tabloid press - had ignored the TV programme - and if the the TV programme - had not mentioned the Blairs - all would have been alright.

Peter Foster has described the programme as 'tasteless, tacky...' - and from what I hear - he would be well qualified to give this comment. According to reports Foster - who had been in trouble for selling a dubious slimming product - as well as buying two flats in Bristol for Cherie - is now on his reluctant way to Australia - after his arrest in Ireland.

Poor Carole - forced to eke out a poor living - on a paltry £80,000 salary - from the Mail on Sunday - has officially split up with lover Foster. Surely her spending a weekend in Paris with him - was just a way of returning a few CDs - and wishing him well on his departure.

These people are boring, boring, boring - so - get a life - be dynamic - paint a wall - and - let someone else watch it dry. Do you really want to know if Tony phoned - or Cherie phoned - or that a conman sound believable - possibly - so - maybe Tony has him lined up as a media advisor - or maybe - there is a bigger story - possibly Tony sent Foster out with a wad of a couple of million - to buy some boots - or bullets - or something - for our troops in Kuwait.

isn't the NHS wonderful

Finally had my liver ultrasounded yesterday - a mere five weeks - after my doctor sent me for them. I only have to wait another week or so for the result - but as there is some shiny areas - I will have to have a liver biopsy - which means the medical dart champion - hits me on the side with a pointy thing - which will certainly have a Latin name - and steal a bit of my liver - not enough to go with onions - I hope. This will take at least a century to organise - so I will almost certainly have to pay for the treatment myself.

Talking of the ultrasound - should I set it up as a webcam site - as everyone else seems to be doing it these days - so lonely, but bored housewife of Arkansas tells me - virtually every day - in her emails - she wants to show me her friends and her having fun - but that sort of webcam is - after all - only skin deep - so seeing my liver - will - provide some real in depth action.

I was told not to eat for 6 hours before and to drink two pints of water about an hour before. So I'm sitting in the waiting room - wanting to pee - note to people who keep visiting my site - this will not be televised - webcammed - or digitised - I just wanted to go to the gents. Another person in the queue asked the ultra soundist? - ultra sounder? why we need to drink water - and she said it was completely unnecessary for ultra sound - I could have wept - or peeed or peed (gramatically - I'm living on the edge here) as I was next and I had ultrasound session - feeling desperate.

The saga continues...

members of the jury

Somehow or another I'm getting these - erm - Positive Affirmations - sent to me on a daily basis. Then this is a cut from the emailed advert - which suggests I can send these - er - Positive Affirmations to other people. I tend to get these first thing in the morning - and I am definitely not a morning person.

So members of the jury I believe I would not have gone out and killed my boss - most of my co-workers - the nun with the guitar - the nice family group - where apart from a few minor problems - had a perfect life - or the alcoholic - who was suddenly being brave and turning his life around.

So I'm sorry - I should not have done it - I should have - COUNTED TO TEN AND THEN SMILED APON ADVERSITY - or - FOUND SOMETHING POSITIVE IN ANY BAD SITUATION - but I didn't.

---

If you read these Positive Affirmations out loud everyday, you'll develop a magnificent new Attitude.

I'M SO STRONG THAT NOTHING CAN DISTURB MY PEACE OF MIND.

I'M TALKING HEALTH, HAPPINESS, & PROSPERITY TO EVERY PERSON I MEET.

I'M MAKING ALL MY FRIENDS FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMETHING IN THEM.

I'M LOOKING AT THE SUNNY SIDE OF EVERYTHING & MAKING MY OPTIMISM COME TRUE.

I'M THINKING ONLY OF THE BEST, WORKING ONLY FOR THE BEST, & EXPECTING ONLY THE BEST.

I'M JUST AS ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THE SUCCESS OF OTHERS, AS I AM ABOUT MY OWN.

I'M FORGETTING THE MISTAKES OF THE PAST & PRESSING ON TO THE GREATER ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE FUTURE.

I'M WEARING A CHEERFUL COUNTENANCE AT ALL TIMES & GIVING EVERY LIVING CREATURE I MEET A SMILE.

I'M GIVING SO MUCH TIME TO THE IMPROVEMENT OF MYSELF THAT I HAVE NO TIME TO CRITICIZE OTHERS.

I'M TOO LARGE FOR WORRY, TOO NOBLE FOR ANGER, TOO STRONG FOR FEAR, & TOO HAPPY TO PERMIT THE PRESENCE OF TROUBLE.

So sorry to have imposed these on you and remember - TWENTY CUPS OF COFFEE A DAY MAKE YOU A PHONEMAL PROGRAMMER AND VERY ATTRACTIVE TO WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE ATTRACTED TO YOU.

how we support our army

In Kuwait the American forces have nicknamed the British forces - the Borrowers - this is because - our noble British government - has not given our troops - proper boots - desert clothing - tanks that work - guns that go BANG - when you fire the trigger. So using the technique of living off the land - our troops are borrowing - begging and - erm - borrowing - without informing the owners.

This follows the Ministry of Defence's strategy of recommending that troops take vaccinations against some of the nasties they may come up against - but then making the soldiers sign a document - saying - that if the vaccinations go wrong - the soldier has no right to sue the Ministry of Defence - which is effectively saying - if you get harmed in this war - don't call us - and we'll distance ourselves from you.

The final indignity - according to yesterday's Sun newspaper - is that two of the three British bases have no toilet paper. Surely - this has to be obvious - even to our civil service - that soldiers shit - and - I know the old school boy stories of the desert tribes - only eat with the right hand because - erm - and no - I don't even think about describing why - or how - this was a story of the Second World War and Lawrence - the world has moved on in 50+ years.

So Tony - with your £100,000 pension when you leave office - what are you going to do - about supporting our troops - you put them there - you should be supporting them.

well Bill

We've not talked for a long, long time Bill.

Erm - this Microsoft Outlook - erm - Bill - did it really take tens of millions of dollars - to make it such an awful package to use? I find it really hard to get incoming emails - to go where I want them - well to be truthful - I can get them to go where I want them to go - but - erm - your bloody rule system seems to want to shove extra copies all over the place - so not only am I getting spammed over 100 emails a day - but your system seems to be giving me multiple copies - so I spend more time deleting - what I've just deleted.

Anyway the system finally collapsed a couple of days ago - when your - well Outlook's - rule wizard couldn't do anything with a rule - and so the package stopped - and froze - and the only way I could get things working was by - closing down Outlook.

After doing this six or seven times - I then took off all the rules - which of course - let the site - which had been sending me viruses - start sending me viruses again - so the next thing I have is McAffee all over the place - telling me to delete attachments with viruses - which I do - and then McAffee tells me to delete the same attachment - which I can't do - cos - its already deleted - and then I panic - cos - I may not have deleted the virus - so I try and track down the attachment - and I find it - well I find its not there - which then makes me think - it is there - but cunningly hidden - so I close the system down down - and then get every bloody file on the bloody hard drive virus scanned - and then I load Outlook again - and it still goes wrong and then I load the fucking message with the fucking virus again.

So I solve the problem by downloading Eudora - then downloading all the messages - and then bloody Outlook starts working again - to its full bloody capacity - duplicating bloody spam messages and I look at the message rules setup and it is too bloody clever so in typical bloody Microsoft fashion it does not allow me to do what I bloody well want to do.

So I start using Eudora to control incoming messages and again I have problems - which Eudora's brilliant automated support service - gives me some really interesting answers to fucking questions I've not asked - so I pay them - for the bloody package and guess what their bloody support service still won't fucking well answer my query - and the human bloody response is - absolutely no bloody response. Real FUCKING great.

Still a mere couple of days fiddling around - learning bloody things about Eudora - no normal person would want to learn - I finally solved the bloody problem - which Eudora support should have had in their bloody online advice and bloody support - as my problem was very straightforward - and would be of interest to anyone - getting spammed. Anyway I now have a filter system - that's what Eudora calls their rules wizard, Bill - that can delete the bloody bastard virus ridden messages - straight off the server and now 90% of the spam - goes into a folder call spam.

the congestion charge - day 2

on iraq

A police spokesman said 'we estimate that the 750,000 people on the march estimate could be an underestimation'

And Jack Straw a week or so ago 'the weapon inspectors found 1100 shells cases were missing ' - its possible that Iraq didn't have them.

Another interesting idea is that Saddam is storing weapons of mass destruction in the Kurdish controlled area of Northern Iraq - ie keeping the missiles where the only active opposition is based - yes - like Saddam may be a bastard - but he sure ain't stupid.

ooops

sense in the Iraq saga?

I watched Blix and his colleague make their presentations. It was clear that the arms inspectors are making progress. A few things have been identified - which are of concern - the most serious being the missing 1,000 tonnes of chemicals - that can be used as weapons. Of great relief is the positive report that Iraq has definitely not got a nuclear capability.

It is clear that the French and German position on Iraq is correct - the weapons inspectors should be given a little more time to allow the Saddam regime to comply.

I personally do not want to see Americans and British troops killed - when with a little more time - Iraq can be effectively neutralised.

the car saga

My stolen car saga. About three weeks ago my stolen car turned up dumped about half a mile from my house. It didn't seem damaged - not even the steering lock - except for some scratches on the windows.

So the car doesn't belong to me - but to the insurance company - so can I pay you back the money and get my friendly mechanic to have a look at the car - NO! - and by the way I did not leave my keys in the car - as I would not have been able to get in my house - and I would have sort of remembered sleeping in the garden.

So I can't pick it - they - First Direct - will pick it up within an hour - except - their computer system was down and they couldn't accept my call - then however was dealing with the claim forgot to tell the recovery company - and then their computer system was down - and all in all the one hour pick up took five days to achieve. Twice I had to explain - no - I did not leave my keys in the car - as my house keys were on the keyring - and I would not have been able to get into my house - and - NO! - I can't make things easier by getting the local garage towing the car to my drive - in front of my house.

Can I pay the cheque back and get the car - NO! - it has to be seen by their engineers. Numerous phone calls - no one knows what's happening. A week later the engineering company phones up - why have they - the insurance company sent the car to them - there's no problem with the car - its not damaged - and no I did not leave the fucking keys in the car - and I do not know how the thieves did it - as I am not a fucking car thief - and I don't know any real criminals - except Jim - and getting drunk and obnoxious is not exactly Mafia.

Yesterday I made at least 9 calls to Direct Line - I can only buy the car at auction - or - yes I can pay all the money back - and then its not a claim - or - I can pay Direct Line - a fee - but they need to talk to an engineer - to get the value - yes we will call you back - and did you leave the key in the car? No - No - No - well how come we haven't got the keys - you have I sent them all with every bit of paper I possessed that had the car registration on it - erm - oh yes that's right - we'll phone you.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all tanked up

So they're planing to put tanks in London.

Questions - will the tanks pay the £5 per day congestion charge?

Will the tanks get a ticket if they park illegally? Will Chinese TV be showing coverage of the parking warden single handedly going up to a tank to put a ticket on?

near death experience

The reason the Odtaa Files has not been developed recently - is because I had a number of tests - which suggest I have something seriously wrong with my liver. I was given a strong lecture on not drinking booze.

Eventually having to speak very slowly I pointed out that I don't drink that much - and I haven't drunk much for years - because booze make me ill - not in the drunken life and soul of the party - but I get the hangover and bad stomach - quicker than the fun bit.

Twice last year when I have drunk a lot - slightly more than a full bottle of wine - I am suddenly hit - slur my words and do not remember what has happened. This is clearly because my liver is not processing the alcohol properly and it is going straight into my blood stream. This sort of then explained other problems I was having - such as finding it harder to recall facts or retain in my head the names of programming procedures.

So far I have gone through 3 sets of blood tests - two sets give me readings like I have seriously been drinking for 10 or more years. The other concern was having a badly inflamed gall bladder - which was removed about two years ago. So much for the warning from one of the doctors in the surgery - don't keep complaining about pains in your stomach.

The process is now going to take at least another 3 weeks - one week to get a scan and two weeks for the results to written up. Then I will go through the next step which will take months. This means I will probably have to pay for the next set of tests myself - so much for the universal health service.

My symptoms are consistent with Cirrhosis - which is fatal - giving me around four years to live - to a variety of other causes - some nasty - most that mean I have to have a boring diet - lose weight - and avoid anything that looks like fun - unless you're in the ramblers association. Ironically the situation has made attempts to get myself fitter - less successful - as you sort of get into the attitude - why bother.

The annoying thing is just waiting - not knowing - and dealing with doctors - who only have their six minutes with you - and try and patronise you. I probably need to go to 'Assertion Classes - When Seeing the Doctor'

night and day

Night and Day - is the British 'Twin Peaks' - it is without doubt the most original and surreal drama on TV today. Technically a soap it combines a very strange storyline - which is very dramatic - including the disappearance and suspected murder of a young girl - erotic - in the old sense of the world - smouldering looks and glances that would do a Bollywood film proud - all mixed in with elements of humour, weirdness and fantasy which make great entertainment.

Watching the programme is like going into 'the Twilight Zone'. Strange things happen in the suburbs of Greenwich - so in last night's episode - we had the guy who thinks he may be gay developing an eating disorder - a stolen and returned baby - nice guy - who had been beaten up and left for dead - returning - and being possessed by evil - mad doctor finding out she's been replaced - so she gets a job behind the local bar - which affects her personality - the guy who thinks he's Ali G - and - er - yes - the virgin fairy - which zaps 15 year old girls - if they entertain thoughts of - how can I say this - erm - thinking of leaving the society.

And then there was the health warnings - when anyone smoked - a warning came - 'Smoking Damages Your Health'.

Then when the mad doctor was drinking back a Scotch - the warning said - 'Warning Drinking Can Take You Over the Abyss'

The final one came - 'Shagging Your Daughter's Ex-BoyFriend Can Seriously Damage Your Health' - but she was saved by finding the baby - in what looked like a crypt - with burning candles.

'Night and Day' is an experience - time does shift - the original story line of the disappearance and suspected murder of Jane - does not stop the character of Jane - being significant - in a sense she's always there - like a spirit - drifting in and out of people's thoughts. The strangeness works in a way that wouldn't work with any other team.

Please Mr Boss of ITV - bring the programme on a bit earlier in the evening - publicise it a bit - a lot more please Mr Advertiser - support this programme - make them make more episodes.

Mathew's Date for Friday

Hello Mathew Dearie,

Search no more luv - I'm all woman - and all yours.

Forget showing me a good time - and lets go back to your place for a full on snog.

---

To Date Mathew Wright on Firday Night
Wright Stuff
Channel Five. UK

religious chart toppers

I was alarmed that I could only name about 7 of the 10 commandments. We started talking about this - when it was claimed by local vicars - that they don't want the local lap dancing club Heaven - get a licence. Apparently it is suggested that the club broke 6 of the 10 commandments. So avoiding all thoughts of semi naked/naked women and with high legalist thoughts I investigated the moral top ten.

Numbers 6, 8 and 9 are straightforward - you should not kill, steal or lie respectively - none of which really apply to the lap dancer club - the fantasy element is upfront - as they say - as are the charges - so clients know what they are getting - and how much.

Number 1 - says You shall have no other gods before Me - reading between the lines - this is a global - universal contract - but it is not exclusive - therefore pagans - worship of animals - trees - or even half naked lap dancers is OK - providing that God enterprises is acknowledged to be the number one business in town.

Commandment 2 - You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth - sort of stuffs it for the high churches and adapting this to the television age definitely stuffs it David Attenborough - the Discovery Channel and the BBC Nature Unit as well - however again it seems irrelevant to pole dancing.

Commandment 3 - You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain - OK - the club name is Heaven - but - the concept of heaven was taken from the ancient gods - and I can imagine someone setting up such a club - at the top of Mount Olympus - would have had much favour - I can just see the smile on the face of Bacchus. And they're not using the name God or any derivatives.

Commandment 7 - and yes everyone knows this one is about adultery - well to be truthful about not committing adultery - as in the sense - as a child do child things and as an adult - well - you don't do adultish things - do you?

What is OK sex and what is adultery? OK approved sex is - sex within marriage? - sex within a monogamous relationship? - or only sex to procreate? - that's to make babies to you at the back sir - and no I'm not going to explain how its done. A lot of current religious teaching seems to suggest that sex should not be enjoyed - but - as the philosophers' say - why did God give humans toys - if he didn't want us to play with them?

So what happens at lap dance clubs - women take their clothes off - and men are not allowed to touch - so its just titillation - wipe that silly grin off you face - Jenkins - I know the word sounds rude. And adultery as I know it - well - I read about it in a book - doesn't take place in the club.

So we're left with 'honour your father and mother' - erm - take dad with you - and he'll be alright - not coveting your neighbour's wife's ass - or something - well unless - she's working at the club - and the offence seems more hers for displaying said ass - then yours. Oh and there's not working on the Sabbath - well the club has to break one rule doesn't it.