religious chart toppers

I was alarmed that I could only name about 7 of the 10 commandments. We started talking about this - when it was claimed by local vicars - that they don't want the local lap dancing club Heaven - get a licence. Apparently it is suggested that the club broke 6 of the 10 commandments. So avoiding all thoughts of semi naked/naked women and with high legalist thoughts I investigated the moral top ten.

Numbers 6, 8 and 9 are straightforward - you should not kill, steal or lie respectively - none of which really apply to the lap dancer club - the fantasy element is upfront - as they say - as are the charges - so clients know what they are getting - and how much.

Number 1 - says You shall have no other gods before Me - reading between the lines - this is a global - universal contract - but it is not exclusive - therefore pagans - worship of animals - trees - or even half naked lap dancers is OK - providing that God enterprises is acknowledged to be the number one business in town.

Commandment 2 - You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth - sort of stuffs it for the high churches and adapting this to the television age definitely stuffs it David Attenborough - the Discovery Channel and the BBC Nature Unit as well - however again it seems irrelevant to pole dancing.

Commandment 3 - You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain - OK - the club name is Heaven - but - the concept of heaven was taken from the ancient gods - and I can imagine someone setting up such a club - at the top of Mount Olympus - would have had much favour - I can just see the smile on the face of Bacchus. And they're not using the name God or any derivatives.

Commandment 7 - and yes everyone knows this one is about adultery - well to be truthful about not committing adultery - as in the sense - as a child do child things and as an adult - well - you don't do adultish things - do you?

What is OK sex and what is adultery? OK approved sex is - sex within marriage? - sex within a monogamous relationship? - or only sex to procreate? - that's to make babies to you at the back sir - and no I'm not going to explain how its done. A lot of current religious teaching seems to suggest that sex should not be enjoyed - but - as the philosophers' say - why did God give humans toys - if he didn't want us to play with them?

So what happens at lap dance clubs - women take their clothes off - and men are not allowed to touch - so its just titillation - wipe that silly grin off you face - Jenkins - I know the word sounds rude. And adultery as I know it - well - I read about it in a book - doesn't take place in the club.

So we're left with 'honour your father and mother' - erm - take dad with you - and he'll be alright - not coveting your neighbour's wife's ass - or something - well unless - she's working at the club - and the offence seems more hers for displaying said ass - then yours. Oh and there's not working on the Sabbath - well the club has to break one rule doesn't it.