... odtaa rules ...
Today is definitely an Odtaa day - One damn Thing After Another.
First I am phoned up early in the morning. A distant relative has died. She was quite ill so it was not unexpected. Still it was a shock and I sort of ended up having to co-ordinate the funeral.
Second the container we store waste paper in to give to the recycling people was stolen.
People kept phoning me up so I kept getting distracted from my work.
I also applied for a job I don't want - but jobs I do want - won't interview me.
Then my mother called and we were having a nice time until I got the lecture about eating fish and chips - well not eating it. We had to discuss the queen and how badly she's being treated - agreed five or six times that Charles should stand down - agreed that Diana was badly treated - I managed to avoid making my comments about what I thought of the servants - agreed - well I bit my tongue - that 'the Express' was a better paper than 'the Mail' - which mad aunty reads - and mad aunty has not sold her house but we all knew that - nice lady has sold her apartment though - which means I will have to chat up old ladies to find someone else to keep an eye on mum.
Then tried to sort out work - daughter rings she may be coming over.
Then I need to video Neighbours - which is depressing - as Drew's dead - and Steph will never run off with him and upset Libby - who is admittedly quite upset at the moment.
The I hear that the Queen's speech is going to be tough on crime - laugh as I think the thief who stole container will end up in prison - see on TV they are going to give prisoners hardcore pornography - maybe bid for the contract - should they have the porn? - well it must be better than them having to talk to Jeffrey Archer - so I sort of agree with it.
Don't do more work - distraction - cat wants to sit on me - the first time in about 6 months.
As soon as she's settled - the phone rings - she gives me that look.
Watch the Bill - which is getting slightly better - but every 10 minutes the phone rings. Miss all explanations of the big punch up at the end - but it seems a good thing - but the new boss did release - guy with machete - plus the 1K of dope - but everyone smiled at the end - so is he a good un - or not?
Offer to drive my daughter to the Peel - music venue? - well Radio 2 listeners said the old stuff is best - but I getting into some of these new bands - I think some are OK - why just the poother day I was listening to a Queen CD - and I feel they may go somewhere - some day.
Only ...
... well ... my car - it anin't - it ain't there. Its been nicked or I'm going mad. (blobble, blobble blobble)
Walk round the block - of course its raining - and no - it is still not there - recount what I was doing - and yes I remember where I put it. Definitely not there. I am now top of Tony Blair's list of important people - a victim of crime.
Victim of Crime rings up police - oh for something like this I have to go in person to a police station - but - they closed our one down - or to put it another way - it was closed except between 10 and three - forcing criminals to work very short hours - but then although it was open - the guy at the desk said he was not allowed to take any messages and I had to ring Twickenham Police Station - but that was a long time ago - and our police station is definitely closed after dark.
So I ring up Twickenham - and they said they can't deal it over the phone - I have to come into either Richmond or Twickenham - and its raining - I would go in my car - but - its been stolen - so I asked if it was alright if I came in tomorrow - and they said fine - and then they said they check their computer - and no mine wasn't on the system - and - phew - it had not been towed away for disposal - as this area is a dumping ground for old cars - probably by car thieves - as my car - a Citroen diesel AX is hardly the first choice of boy racers - or second - or even fifth.
So my daughter doesn't get to see Paul, play a gig at the Peel.
She has a coffee and then decides to go back to college.
While we drink I suddenly notice there's a programme about shop lifters and violent criminals gangs - real ones - smile you're on CCTV - with a bad case of pixelisation - if you are a victim please act in dramtic or amusing manner - sign waver here - fame at last. This programme gets me paranoid - so do lots of things - and I offer to drive my daughter into London.
This means moving the car of a friend of my wife. This does not go well - the four sets of car keys I have found do not work - today I learnt something - that car keys marked 'Rover' do not open cars with a 'Vauxhall' logo. I find this out in the rain - and of course - I decided not to put on my coat - because it don't take much time to open a car - unless you are using a Rover key on a Vauxhall.
Head wet I search - and find another car key.
It works - I get in start car and then put it into reverse - however looking backwards and pressing the accelerator gently - I get the impression of the road getting further away - and of my wife's car getting nearer. Stop.
Look at gear stick - without glasses - and see there is another possible reverse - put car into fifth gear - one kangaroo jump and stall.
Get out - get wet - get glasses - trip over cat - leave house - get wet - get wet - get into car - check gear stick - attempt one was right - so I move the gear stick - it appears to be in gear - slowly apply the accelerator - brake violently - we - the car and me are going forward.
Try brute force. No. Try being gentle. No. Try amusing suggestion of the parentage of the gear stick, car, designer and Henry Ford - I know he hasn't to do with Vauxhall - but it seemed appropriate at the time. No.
When I was about to wrench the gear stick off - I found this ring thing - which I thought were only found in Ann Summer's Catalogues - which moved - and suddenly I could place the gear stick in a new position - a similar result to the Ann Summer's Catalogue - and the car moved backwards.
Remember to look backwards - stopped to check for traffic - and although not off the drive - the traffic stopped for me. I then had to maneuver a car I don't know - which felt the size of a battleship - like an aircraft carrier - with a dodgy gear shift - I backed gently into the road - did a perfect three point park - reverse over the kerb on the opposite pavement - move gently forward until falls back on the road - straighten. Traffic looked at me - then fearing a mad person - avoided my wave - and went on. Then a mere five minutes to try and work how I'd managed to switch the headlights on - lock car - cross road - get wet.
With four sets of keys it was relatively easy top open my wife's car. Talked to my daughter - got her stuff in - got her out of the rain - searched for the place you put the ignition key - turned - the anti--theft started working - lights flashed - horns hooted - turn off - curtains in nearby houses flutter - smile sheepishly - but there again - do sheep smile?
Turned the key again - Lights - Sound - Action - Panic.
Daughter says she feels safer going by late night train.
So I insist - lock car - unlock car - Turn - Lights - Sound -Action - Argghhhh!!!
Try again with door shut -- brm. brm. it works .
Off we go - window screen misted - rain on outside - try to work out control panel - charged up the phaser bank - discharged the laser shields and suddenly there was warmth - lots of it - directed at me - not the screen - so daughter sorted it for me. I found the demister and away we went.
I am terrified to drive my wife's car - but probably not as much as she is when I drive it. I nearly had a crash as they changed the layout of the road - well I mean - fancy putting a roundabout in a road - particualrly when I thought I had the right of way - then got lost near Euston and found myself doing the taxi driver knowledge. I found parts of London - very wet.
Found my daughters' halls of residence eventually.
I knew my way around King's Cross - Its just like a roundabout I said - confidently I got around the side road - and five minutes later found myself in - a place I know quite well - its called lost. Ignoring road signs to areas of London where they used to dump bodies in the eighties - I eventually found myself on the Embankment - which would have been nice - if it wasn't for other cars - and so when the radio said - this is Westminster - I was right outside Parliament - blocked by a big limo - parking right outside the House.
Crawled along - saw a sign for Putney - followed it and off I went - crossing Barnes Common twice - honest officer I was not lurking - kept seeing signs for Hammersmith - which was wrong and after a few diversions - got to Kew - and so to home.
First I am phoned up early in the morning. A distant relative has died. She was quite ill so it was not unexpected. Still it was a shock and I sort of ended up having to co-ordinate the funeral.
Second the container we store waste paper in to give to the recycling people was stolen.
People kept phoning me up so I kept getting distracted from my work.
I also applied for a job I don't want - but jobs I do want - won't interview me.
Then my mother called and we were having a nice time until I got the lecture about eating fish and chips - well not eating it. We had to discuss the queen and how badly she's being treated - agreed five or six times that Charles should stand down - agreed that Diana was badly treated - I managed to avoid making my comments about what I thought of the servants - agreed - well I bit my tongue - that 'the Express' was a better paper than 'the Mail' - which mad aunty reads - and mad aunty has not sold her house but we all knew that - nice lady has sold her apartment though - which means I will have to chat up old ladies to find someone else to keep an eye on mum.
Then tried to sort out work - daughter rings she may be coming over.
Then I need to video Neighbours - which is depressing - as Drew's dead - and Steph will never run off with him and upset Libby - who is admittedly quite upset at the moment.
The I hear that the Queen's speech is going to be tough on crime - laugh as I think the thief who stole container will end up in prison - see on TV they are going to give prisoners hardcore pornography - maybe bid for the contract - should they have the porn? - well it must be better than them having to talk to Jeffrey Archer - so I sort of agree with it.
Don't do more work - distraction - cat wants to sit on me - the first time in about 6 months.
As soon as she's settled - the phone rings - she gives me that look.
Watch the Bill - which is getting slightly better - but every 10 minutes the phone rings. Miss all explanations of the big punch up at the end - but it seems a good thing - but the new boss did release - guy with machete - plus the 1K of dope - but everyone smiled at the end - so is he a good un - or not?
Offer to drive my daughter to the Peel - music venue? - well Radio 2 listeners said the old stuff is best - but I getting into some of these new bands - I think some are OK - why just the poother day I was listening to a Queen CD - and I feel they may go somewhere - some day.
Only ...
... well ... my car - it anin't - it ain't there. Its been nicked or I'm going mad. (blobble, blobble blobble)
Walk round the block - of course its raining - and no - it is still not there - recount what I was doing - and yes I remember where I put it. Definitely not there. I am now top of Tony Blair's list of important people - a victim of crime.
Victim of Crime rings up police - oh for something like this I have to go in person to a police station - but - they closed our one down - or to put it another way - it was closed except between 10 and three - forcing criminals to work very short hours - but then although it was open - the guy at the desk said he was not allowed to take any messages and I had to ring Twickenham Police Station - but that was a long time ago - and our police station is definitely closed after dark.
So I ring up Twickenham - and they said they can't deal it over the phone - I have to come into either Richmond or Twickenham - and its raining - I would go in my car - but - its been stolen - so I asked if it was alright if I came in tomorrow - and they said fine - and then they said they check their computer - and no mine wasn't on the system - and - phew - it had not been towed away for disposal - as this area is a dumping ground for old cars - probably by car thieves - as my car - a Citroen diesel AX is hardly the first choice of boy racers - or second - or even fifth.
So my daughter doesn't get to see Paul, play a gig at the Peel.
She has a coffee and then decides to go back to college.
While we drink I suddenly notice there's a programme about shop lifters and violent criminals gangs - real ones - smile you're on CCTV - with a bad case of pixelisation - if you are a victim please act in dramtic or amusing manner - sign waver here - fame at last. This programme gets me paranoid - so do lots of things - and I offer to drive my daughter into London.
This means moving the car of a friend of my wife. This does not go well - the four sets of car keys I have found do not work - today I learnt something - that car keys marked 'Rover' do not open cars with a 'Vauxhall' logo. I find this out in the rain - and of course - I decided not to put on my coat - because it don't take much time to open a car - unless you are using a Rover key on a Vauxhall.
Head wet I search - and find another car key.
It works - I get in start car and then put it into reverse - however looking backwards and pressing the accelerator gently - I get the impression of the road getting further away - and of my wife's car getting nearer. Stop.
Look at gear stick - without glasses - and see there is another possible reverse - put car into fifth gear - one kangaroo jump and stall.
Get out - get wet - get glasses - trip over cat - leave house - get wet - get wet - get into car - check gear stick - attempt one was right - so I move the gear stick - it appears to be in gear - slowly apply the accelerator - brake violently - we - the car and me are going forward.
Try brute force. No. Try being gentle. No. Try amusing suggestion of the parentage of the gear stick, car, designer and Henry Ford - I know he hasn't to do with Vauxhall - but it seemed appropriate at the time. No.
When I was about to wrench the gear stick off - I found this ring thing - which I thought were only found in Ann Summer's Catalogues - which moved - and suddenly I could place the gear stick in a new position - a similar result to the Ann Summer's Catalogue - and the car moved backwards.
Remember to look backwards - stopped to check for traffic - and although not off the drive - the traffic stopped for me. I then had to maneuver a car I don't know - which felt the size of a battleship - like an aircraft carrier - with a dodgy gear shift - I backed gently into the road - did a perfect three point park - reverse over the kerb on the opposite pavement - move gently forward until falls back on the road - straighten. Traffic looked at me - then fearing a mad person - avoided my wave - and went on. Then a mere five minutes to try and work how I'd managed to switch the headlights on - lock car - cross road - get wet.
With four sets of keys it was relatively easy top open my wife's car. Talked to my daughter - got her stuff in - got her out of the rain - searched for the place you put the ignition key - turned - the anti--theft started working - lights flashed - horns hooted - turn off - curtains in nearby houses flutter - smile sheepishly - but there again - do sheep smile?
Turned the key again - Lights - Sound - Action - Panic.
Daughter says she feels safer going by late night train.
So I insist - lock car - unlock car - Turn - Lights - Sound -Action - Argghhhh!!!
Try again with door shut -- brm. brm. it works .
Off we go - window screen misted - rain on outside - try to work out control panel - charged up the phaser bank - discharged the laser shields and suddenly there was warmth - lots of it - directed at me - not the screen - so daughter sorted it for me. I found the demister and away we went.
I am terrified to drive my wife's car - but probably not as much as she is when I drive it. I nearly had a crash as they changed the layout of the road - well I mean - fancy putting a roundabout in a road - particualrly when I thought I had the right of way - then got lost near Euston and found myself doing the taxi driver knowledge. I found parts of London - very wet.
Found my daughters' halls of residence eventually.
I knew my way around King's Cross - Its just like a roundabout I said - confidently I got around the side road - and five minutes later found myself in - a place I know quite well - its called lost. Ignoring road signs to areas of London where they used to dump bodies in the eighties - I eventually found myself on the Embankment - which would have been nice - if it wasn't for other cars - and so when the radio said - this is Westminster - I was right outside Parliament - blocked by a big limo - parking right outside the House.
Crawled along - saw a sign for Putney - followed it and off I went - crossing Barnes Common twice - honest officer I was not lurking - kept seeing signs for Hammersmith - which was wrong and after a few diversions - got to Kew - and so to home.
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