... well over the top ...

Now shout bang!!!

I personally don't understand why we must fight Iraq. Of all the states in the Middle East - Iraq - is the least likely to support bin Laden's medieval Islamic terrorists. Saddam's approach to dealing with awkward priests is to put them up against a wall and shoot them. If they got hold of weapons of mass destruction they are as likely to use them to kill Saddam - as to attack the UK.

However as Tony Blair seems determined to have British involvement - then I want British troops to have the best equipment - and the best level of support they can get. And yet what seems to have happened is that military procurement - no - not someone who who manages prostitutes wearing uniforms - has fallen apart.

As it is a public sector service - I suspect the Tories - under Margaret Thatcher - started the rot - and brilliant New Labour - drove the steam roller over the service. I am appalled at the constant reports of bad quality equipment and really stupid buying strategies - the worst example being the buying of Apache helicopters - at £48 million each - years before the UK have trained pilots to fly the things.

According to Mr Tooze, a Gulf War veteran, You need to have a weapon that's going to go bang when you pull the trigger .

Even with my limited knowledge of armed warfare I would have thought this obvious. But we are still getting reports that the SA 80 standard issue rifle - has bits that melt in the heat - and it needs a maintenance procedure - the marines - are not supposed to be able to grasp - well mister manufacturer - mister minister - I dare you tell them that - face to face - and then let them show you - the new plastic thingy insertion procedure - the demonstration of which - should leave you standing - erm - a very long time.

Operational troops in Afghanistan are reported using captured Russian guns or borrowing weapons from the American troops - it really gives us a sense of national pride. Why is it that any hoodlum - or drug dealer - can buy a working gun - that does not require super maintenance - and yet the civil service can't?

The same report highlights the problem that the new British Challenger tank ground to a halt in exercises held in Oman - August - last year - because - whoever buys tanks - did not order any desert filters. So the tanks which worked well in the original Gulf War will grind to a halt in a very short time.

In the first Gulf War - boots did not melt - or fall apart - so the army - which now only has stocks of the new - improved - army boots in sizes 1 and size 7 - will be fighting in trainers, sandals and bare feet. Oh Doc Marten - where art thou's boots.

The Lynx helicopter - now gets clogged up with dust - in the desert - after an average of 27 hours operation. In a short time - in the Oman exercises - they were were completely out of service. So our troops will have to walk - or take taxis.

The British Apache helicopters - exactly right - for supporting infantry in the desert - lack trained pilots - thank God - as our present version - destroys its own tail rotor - when firing missiles - which while being very sporting - is probably not the most effective method of attack - unless you want to kill the enemy - by making them laugh too much.

Communications will be bad - the 30 year old system is creaking - and the British troops will not be able to resort to their Balkan strategy - of using mobile phones. Erm excuse me Saddam - can we put a communication mast on top of all your palaces? - erm - probably not. According to the National Audit Office even the fork lift trucks don't work in the heat. And I have the feeling - that unless Easyjet or Ryan Air - do a London Luton or Stanstead to Baghdad - our troops will never get to the combat zone.

So Mr Bush - if you want UK support - can you send us boots, rifles, tanks, trained pilots - and - could you do us a favour - can you send your special forces to take out our entire military purchase department. All you need is missiles which target strong tea, digestive biscuits and red tape.