... and then my mother phoned ...

Twenty minutes of doom and gloom - she watches too much of the news and reads the wrong paper. I get a whole list of people who have died in the storms, boats crashing and then detailed descriptions of how I will die if I leave the house, stand too near the window, stand under a tree, how my roof will get blown off.

This really cheered me up.

When I was fifteen I had strict instructions when I went out with my friend Ricky not to get stabbed ... or robbed ... or hit on the head with a bottle ... or go near thugs .. and to be careful as girls often use a nice guy like myself. I therefore crossed them right off of my list of things to do on a Saturday night, But what else was there on a Saturday night in Bolton, particualrly as we were going to a dance organised by the Church, for God's sake.

... when I was older and wiser I used to hang around dances trying to research to what uses girls made of guys like me - and the answer is - they usually ignored me.