... how do you handle mothers ...

I am helping my son Tom with a deposit on an apartment in Edinburgh. I asked my mother for some help. She always has problems with me and enjoys putting me into awkward positions. Back to age 14 and short trousers.

So we go through the usual ritual phone call.

Yes he does go out for a drink in a pub with friends. 10 minutes explaining this is a normal activity and it does not make him a drunkard and at 29 he is not likely to start hanging around with soccer hooligans and other trouble makers.

Yes Edinburgh does have a drug problem - damn Trainspotting, damn Daily Express sensational reporters. However is not compulsory to become a register heroin user to live in the city. At least 10 minutes going through why I think he is not into drugs.

He will lose the money - give it away to fraudsters. I explain the process of buying a house and that the money would be going through solicitors - can't trust them, and the big banks - you can't trust them any more. Listen for the 194th time how a bank made a mistake. Sympathise.

He will lose his job and lose the flat. Point out that the mortgage and rent would be about the same and that he has never been without a job since 14.

He will be mortally wounded - men shouldn't walk around by themselves, or he will die. Point out we can then sell the flat and in Edinburgh that's likely to be at a profit. Moans about estate agents making too much commission for doing nothing.

What happens if he gets called up to do military service because of the war - its in the bible - after the attack on Iraq. Point out that being over 28 he is unlikely to be called up.

I then have to go over my first divorce for the millionth time - I end up yet again defending my first wife who I'd rather just not think about. Arghhhh!!!. The breakup was over 25 years ago - can she not talk about it.

An hour into the phone call she finally decides that she might lend him the money. But

She then comes up with this idea that he should do something for the money. He has got to grow his hair. I point out that this is not a reasonable condition and that I could not put that proposal to him.

I then get harangued for being always being argumentative. I've probably been cut out of the will. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!